There is a Solution - Come To Believe

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self- searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.

When I finally surrendered it wasn't in the midst of a classic bottom. On the outside I was as succesful as I had ever been in my life. I had a wife, my first kid, a house, 2 vehicles, 2 boats, etc... But I experienced a sense of hopelessness and futility. I came to believe that I would never be able to manage my chemical obsession.

I was humbled by the progression of my disease and the insanity.

As I got some clean time under my belt and the insanity stabiliized, the sense of hopelessness and futility that I "experienced" began to get hazy and to fade.

When I entered the fellowship I came to believe in another sense of hopelessness and futility, the description of the real addict/alcoholic. The powerlessness of a mental obsession, the revelation of the real lack of power, choice and control. The understanding that my obsession was my master, that I was not in control of my thinking but that the obsession was.

I found acceptance from the experience of others.

Even so I still needed to find more humility to keep recovery a high enough priority.

I had relapses.

I believe that I could have come to believe many times in the past if could have found the humility to accept the truth. I believe humility is the key to acceptance and acceptance the key to breaking the denial and delusion that is driven by pride and self-reliance.

This morning was very busy at work, I had to persevere with endurance even thought I was weak.

Today at lunch I had to make the meeting, I had to do it without fear that I would be late.

This afternoon I made a mistake, I had to turn away from regret.

This evening I had to make a difficult decision that did not make me popular, I had to remember that God knows my heart and He is The Only One that matters.

At the meeting today the topic was step 4 from the 12 and 12. The focus was on the the part where we see the "self" the basic instinct that is disordered.

Lately I've been thinking about the 4th step process. I feel that the most important thing that I learned was the process not so much all my wrongs and my parts and mistakes.

Learning the process was like learning to fish, with that I could feed myself the rest of my life.

I've got to find a good way to teach this. There must be a way to form an outline of the process in a few good points.

The inventory is the process by which we deconstruct our erratic emotions.

The first main goal is to root out the parts of self that we are hurt or threatened. Then we learn to rely on God instead of self.

The second process is to see that We were sick and to see that other people are sick too. Then we learn to forgive instead of resent.

The third process is to see that we did some things wrong. Then we learn to do better and amend.

Last night I was too sick to do my review. Yesterday I didn't make it to mass for the 2nd week in a row. But I did watch the mass on TV live and I made a spiritual communion.

Today I looked up and it was 3 o'clock. I thought that I would be going home soon and I thought about the trip home through south austin. I thought about stopping for a drink on the way home. I was surprised by the thought but then I was not. I remembered that I am an alcoholic and I don't have to reason for a thought like that to cross my mind. Fortuneately the thought had no power.

Tonight my wife went to an angel party. I realized that I can't handle the kids by myself, it's dangerous for them. The baby is screaching right now and I have to attend to her. We will have to quit doing things at night and both be home.

Dogmata

Dogma - is the established belief or doctrine held by a religion, ideology or any kind of organization, thought to be authoritative and not to be disputed, doubted or diverged from. It's current usage tends to carry a pejorative connotation — referring to concepts as being "established" only according to a particular point of view, and thus one of doubtful foundation. This pejorative connotation is even stronger with the term dogmatic, used to describe a person of rigid beliefs who is not open to rational argument.

I developed a set beliefs that were the guiding forces in my life. These beliefs were based on a particular set of ideals formed early in my youth.

I developed these beliefs so early in my life that I'm not sure I ever questioned them or I ceased to do so so long ago that I've forgotten. I held these beliefs without question, without even realizing it.

One of the deepest held beliefs I had was that I was an enlightened thinker and open-minded. The truth was that I was neither free nor open.

I thought that my beliefs were special because I was not constrained by old ideas and was able to question everything.

The truth was that I that I only doubted everything but I didn't really consider or investigate all sides openly. My ideas would have been credible if I would have perform a process of development that included investigation of opposing ideas. I Bought into ideas that went along with my desires and based on a shallow emotional response that I thought was substantial because I felt such strong covictions.

I didn't think up ideas and come to my own conclusions. I just heard things that sounded good from people who looked like they were having fun and really free. What I really did was buy a sales pitch.

I was always part of popular subcultures that I believed to be inherently individualistic and free from conformity and organization. I wore "non-conformist" clothes, I spoke "non-conformist" words, I listened to "non-conformist" music. But the truth was that I wore a uniform, spoke the jargon, and followed the crowd. In the seventies I was part of the "Rocker" subculture and followed their dogma, in the 80's I was part of the "New Wave" subculture and followed their dogma, in the 90's I was party of the "Popular" culture and followed their dogma.

I thought these ideas were new and progressive, a result of higher learning from higher science and higher technology. Today the ideas that were non-conformist have become mainstream. In looking at these ideas I don't see them as new any more but as ideas that have jut been cycling around throughout the ages.

It wasn't until my life was so utterly unmanageable and I lost my over-valued sense of self that I became willing to re-think my ideals.

I found that none of what I held before could be trusted. I found that I was so sold on my ideas that they dogged me all the way from being open to anything truly new to me.

I found that my old ideas met all the characteristics of "dogma". They were not to be disputed, doubted or diverged from. My beliefs were so rigid that I was not open to rational argument.

Here are some of my old ideas:
I will be happy if I do what feels good to me
I will be free and whole if I don't restrain myself
I can be a good person without having to be disciplined
If I need discipline, I can achieve it on human power
God is for weak minded people and I am not weak minded
Religion is for mind control and that is bad
Spiritual practices were necessary in the past but not necessary anymore
Spriritual ideas are based on superstition
Science/Reason and Spirituality/Religion are mutually exclusive

It wasn't until I became willing to question myself just as thoroughly as others that I was able to re-think and re-form a truly free set of ideals. These ideals had to be proven which meant they had to pass the test of time, prudence and effectiveness.

This meant that I also had to reconsider each idea that I previously thought to be conventional, established or dogmatic. Even the dogmas of organized religion.

The result was freedom from the bondage of self and a new set of ideals that are more credibly true, reasonable and open-minded.

Is Addiction a Disease

Alcoholism is a disease because it fits the definition of a disease. The body or mind is in a state of malfunction or disorder due to the introduction of a foreign substance. In my case I am either allergic or hyper-sensitive (it does a lot more for me than normal folks) to that substance or I have been over-exposed (years of excessive drinking) and toxified.

The disease concept really helps me because it explains why I can be so good and disciplined at so many other things but so lousy at stopping drinking.

The concept also helps me in that I am able to fully realize the grave nature of my state which is the motivating factor for me to do what I do not want to do.

Like a person who has cancer, my condition is chronic, progressive and fatal.

The good news is that the treatment is free and effective and I can recover.

Like the cancer patient, I am never cured but I get to go on and live a great life so long as I keep up my relapse prevention program.

My relapse prevention program:
1. Go to 12 Step Meetings
2. Get a Sponsor (or keep one)
3. Read the AA Big Book
4. Work the 12 Steps
5. Do Service Work

Bob S.

If I Only Manage Well

"Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"

Wrest - (obtain by seizing forcibly or violently, also metaphorically) "wrest the knife from his hands"; "wrest a meaning from the old text"; "wrest power from the old government"

It was easy for me to see where I had been selfish and inconsiderate to others where it came to feeding my addiction. But it was harder to see where my resentments were of my own making when I had them for good reasons.

To "wrest" means to seize forcefully or violently. It's like the word wrestle, it's a fight.

All my life I've been taught to to stand up for myself, fight for my rights, carve out my niche, struggle for my dreams, forge my destiny.

I came to believe that anytime I feel strongly enough about something that I feel is right then I should fight for it.

What I have learned is that I fight with others when I have placed too much value on my desires. I have become selfish and self-centered. Even if these desires are for good.

When I depend on people, plans and circumstances (this world) for my satisfaction and happiness I rarely achieve it for more than a moment. Inevitably and invariably I am disappointed. It's like trying to herd cats, I can never control all of them. I used to dream about the ideal system to run the world if I could achieve political power. Eventually I concluded that the only system that could ever truly work would be to use mind control devices. I'm sure someday someone will try it.

All of my life I have operated by the idea that my satisfaction and happiness depends on "managing well". It defies conventional thinking to place my dependence on a power greater than myself to manage things. It's a radical shift in thinking that doesn't come easily and I have had to learn and re-learn over and over.

But it is precisely that unconventional process that is the key to finding happiness and satisfaction in this life. I must place my dependence upon my relationship with God above all else. I must be willing to leave outcomes in his hands and let go of my plans, desires, needs and motives. Even if they are for a good cause.

This is the source true freedom and power.


Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?

Why God?

Why do I need God/spirituality/religion?

For pathological reasons, for my Well-ness, for my well-being. For my mental health, for my spiritual health, for my soul.

Like good health care, like good nutrition, like good environment:

• Restoration: My mental health gets restored when I am unmanageable; like medical treatment or medicine.
• Regeneration: My spirit is fed daily and sustained. I must replenish that which has degenerated, like daily nourishment, like regular meals, like good nutrition.
• Inspiration: spirit flowing in and through and out, like breathing good air or drinking plenty of liquids or good exercise and growth. Like the energy that comes from well-ness.

God is spiritual being that created me to be connected in spirit with him and others.
I am a spiritual being that has a mind, soul, and spirit that require sustanence. I survive, grow and reproduce from that sustanence.
There is a great spiritual connection that is the source of that sustenance, it is that connection to God and to others.