Monday, December 8, 2008

I Was Good at Quitting


Today at the noon meeting we read from Bill's story. I related to his experience in the years of his alcoholism. Like him I had many signs of my addiction but I could not admit I was an alcoholic. I had many wake up calls and bottoms when I would resolve to control my addiction. I found myself quitting drinking many times.

There were many events that prompted me to get sober: anger from my loved ones, extreme binges, lost relationships, lost interests, sordid behavior, lost reputation, lost health, physical damage, lost self worth, financial problems, lost jobs, lost possessions, and lost freedom.

Each of these worked for a time or two but would all fail when the thought of the feeling of the next drunk or high would obscure the memory of the pain.

There were many ways in which I managed to get clean: changing substances, changing addresses, changing jobs, changing friends, changing lovers, changing lifestyle, changing politics, changing music, and changing habits.

Each one of these would work for a while but I always had a problem with the idea that I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking like a normal person again.

There were many control mechanisms that I began to resort to when all else failed: moving back home, letting someone manage my finances, getting probation, going to jail, and finally rehabs and AA.

Each of these worked for a time but eventually I drank and got high on probation, I drank and got high in jail, and I drank and got high after rehab.

When I drank and got high in AA I finally had a last gasp wake up call.

I knew that I could no longer rely on any form of material or external method to control my addiction. I knew that I would need the most extreme method of control. I would need a complete psychological re-formation. I would need to have a revolutionary psychic change.

I did something radically different, I surrendered to the idea of a spiritual solution.

I worked the steps without ceasing,
I allowed the process to change my thinking,
I completely gave myself to this simple program.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

We Admitted - Another Look

We - me, you(alcoholic's/addict's), and God

Admitted - At the beginning of step one, your (alcoholic's/addict's) stories and God's grace helped me surrender my denial and accept the truth that I identified with you, I became willing to at least consider that I might be one too - Surrender, Acceptance, and Willingness (SAW). At the end of step one, your description of the disease helped me to become Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing (HOW) to admit the truth about myself and consider the solution.

I SAW-HOW from you and with God's grace, I received the key to admittance, humility.

Characteristics Of The Disease

Symptoms


Physical Allergy- Hypersensitivity to alcohol, phenomenon of craving: Once I start I can’t stop; can’t control predictably. I react differently than normal people. I develop an intense, overpowering craving that normal people don’t get. This is due to a physiological difference in me.“Power of the Effect”, Using/drinking changes how I feel, gives me a sense of ease and comfort, courage, excitement.

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all… Chronic

Mental Obsession
- These substances give me a super-natural experience so powerful that I develop a mental obsession.

The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one... Progressive

Mental Blank Spot: My perception of reality is altered before I take the first drink (or hit) so that we can’t see the consequences or can’t bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop from doing what I know will hurt me; loss of power, choice, control.

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us...
Fatal

Conditions


Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."

Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

Fatal - bringing death.

"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."


Spectrum of Alcoholics

Stages - Social drinker/Experimenter, Moderate drinker/Partier, Heavy Drinker/Hell Raiser, Alcoholic/Addict

Types - Dysfunctional Alcoholic, Functional Alcoholic, Long Term Alcoholic, Short Term Alcoholic, Acute Alcoholic, Chronic Alcoholic, Potential Alcoholic, Periodic Alcoholic

Physiopathologies - Genetic Alcoholic, Exposure Alcoholic, Straight Acoholic, Dual Addicted.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Apple


Today I thought of a conception of the thought life as an apple. The outside skin is just the appearance and doesn't necessarily reflect the inner condition. The flesh is the place where decisions, judgements, and ambitions happen, they are based on the core. The core is the set of values, ideals, and desires. The seeds are the core motives, instincts, and feelings. The stem comes from the source and sustenance of the apple, it has a direct connection to the core.

When the fruit is separated from the tree it retains it's ripeness for a short time but eventually withers and rots.

When I choose to be self reliant I choose to separate the apple from the tree.

Thank God that he allowed me to reconnect it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Vision of the Being

Today I tried to visualize a model of the innermost self. I recently realized that I have always had a scope of understanding limited to the intellect and instinct. These parts of a human are the biological and programmatic. In short they are the scope of the human animal.

I had never considered another component that forms the person. I never considered the spiritual being. This is the ontological aspect that puts the "being" into the human being.

The model that came to mind is mind, body, spirit. But in this modality the "body" is not the structure of physical organs that keep the brain alive, but rather this is the physiological aspect of the thought life.

Mind - Intellect, reason, computational thinking.
Body - Instincts, emotions, desires.
Spirit - Consciousness, connection to others, connection to Source.

Selfishness and Self Centeredness

I came to see selfishness and self-centeredness in a more thorough light. I previously had a cursory conception of these as greed and vanity. But the process helped me broaden my understanding to include conceptions of limiting scope and excessive desire.

Self Centeredness - I am so confident in my abilities that I rely completely or too heavily on my self. The scope of my reasoning is limited to my personal vision which I think is broader and deeper than it is.

Self-ISH-ness - I have come to value my desires and instincts too heavily to the extent that it has affected my decision making and conduct.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Life Principles

I have been meditating on a few simple principles that I have learned to live by. I trying to discern them simply so that they are always accessible and communicable.

Put First Things First - Prioritize what is truly important. The inner life is always more important than the external. Change the man and the world will follow.

Live and Let Live - Allow people to be imperfect because they will be anyway. Handle expectations loosely, love the sinner hate the sin.

Be Proactive - Develop life skills based on proven principles not by selfish impulses. Develop a principle-based decision making process not a re-active process. Control of the self is the foremost life skill from which all others eminate.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Twelfth Step Well Done?

I read about a twelfth step well done from the Twelve and Twelve today and I asked myself how I measure whether I have performed the step well.

Did I try? - Did i think to practice the principles in my affairs? Or, do I just act impulsively? Or, do I just talk about practicing principles in meetings and just imagine that I do. Did I try to carry the message? Or, do I just aimlessly share?

Did I execute? - Did I actually apply the principles (inventory, God-reliance, amends) in my affairs? Or, do I just intend to and hope that I did? Did the message I carried focus on the principles? Or, did I share my story, troubles, advice, religion, or opinion?

Did I get results? - Did I stay sober? Or, did I base my success on whether the other guy did or did not get sober? Was I restored to sanity? Or did I put my expectations on a turn of fortune or someone else changing?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Clean Time

I was a chronic relapser.

When I was coming back I struggled with the shame of losing my time and having to be a newcomer.

I had to re-focus on completely giving myself to the program in the relative time period. I decided to look at how I was working the program not how much time I had.

This is how I made it through and past the first 6 months. At 9 months I still didn't feel like I had any time. At 18 months I still felt like I was a chronic relapser, I still focused on whether I had done steps 10, 11, and 12 in the past 24 hours.

One day sometime later I realized that this feeling of being new and not having some social prestige for a length of clean time was a spiritual gift and was vital to my willingness. I realized that this was part of a vital spiritual experience.

I realized that in the past I measured my sobriety by how much time I had, how I felt, or how much people in the fellowship liked me.

Now I feel that the only measure of my sobriety that is reliable is whether I have worked the program completely in the past 24 hours. Have I taken inventory? Have I prayed and meditated? Have I carried the message? Have I practiced the principles in all my affairs?

I don't ever want to lose this emphasis on the spiritual life over clean time.

Sobriety Birthday 2008

I celebrated my 5 year sobriety birthday on September 18th.

That morning I woke up from a long drawn out nightmare that my life was a mess. In the nightmare I had just come back from a long relapse, I was apart from my family, I didn't have a job, I was disowned by my parents, I was living in a halfway house and I didn't have money to eat. I remembered walking out of a restaurant where my wife had met me but it felt terrible because we weren't together we were just tending to some business. I felt ashamed, despondent, lonely, and afraid.

I woke up and realized that it had just been a nightmare. I realized I was back to my real life. I was in bed with my wife, I had three more kids, it was time to go to my job, and I am sober. I breathed a big sigh of relief and gratitude.

As I started my prayers I remembered 5 years ago when something similar happened.

That day I woke up and had been dreaming about my life. In the dream I was going through a routine day, I played and cared for my son. I went to my job, I came home to my wife, I went to meeting, and laughed with my friends. Then I woke up to a dreadful reality. I was in a hotel room and I suddenly felt horrible. I was coming off of a binge and I had used all the dope that I was supposed to sell. I was alone, hungry, sick exhausted, and despondent. I had lost my sobriety and everything good in my life. I was baffled and couldn't believe this had happened again. I desparately wanted my wife and my son and my old life back.

That morning, 5 years earlier, I woke up from a dream into a nightmare.
On my birthday I woke up from a nightmare into a dream.

On my birthday I got to go to my job and be productive.
On my birthday I got to go to a meeting and read and shared about step 10.
On my birthday I got to come home to a loving wife and kids who are happy to see me.
On my birthday I got to pitch in my son's baseball game.
On my birthday I got to have dinner with my parents and they said they were proud of me.

Today I got to live a dream.
Thanks be to God for keeping me clean and sober today and for the last 5 years.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Step 8 2008

This year I have realized 5 aspects of spiritual housecleaning in making amends:

To clean up the messes of an unmangeable life - This is to make material restitution and remove the burdens and obstacles to a manageable life.

To clear up the "karma" - This is to make things right on the spriritual plane.

To connect with people - This is the initial process of rebuilding relationships which is an integral part of leading a contentful life.

To communicate my condition to others - It is important that the people close to me (where prudent) understand my condition and new life.

To cultivate my humility - It is very easy to think my humility but to do the steps is to act it.

Making amends is to build my humility and build my spiritual fitness.
This vitalizes (makes alive) and, is vital to, my spiritual experience.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A Vision Revealed

I once was in a meeting where the last page of "A Vision for You" was read. I was struggling with unmanageability and my sobriety felt tenuous. I was at the point in my clean time when I would always relapse. I didn't have the desire to drink or use but I knew by this time that my relapses were sudden and without warning. I knew I needed to do something different in my program or relapse was inevitable. I had met with my sponsor and I had sought God's will. My sponsor told me that I needed to do written inventory nightly and that I needed to clean house.

As I sat in the meeting I felt distant and self-absorbed. I sat there completely baffled by what God's will for me was. I resolved to hear what God needed me to hear and to consider the needs of others. Then someone read...

"God will constantly disclose more to you and to us".
I thought that's it! He's about to disclose his will for me...
"Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick".
I thought, yeah I have been praying a little but not meditating at all. I have never prayed for what God wants me to do for the man who is still sick.
The answers will come, if your own house is in order.
Yes I thought, I have not been taking personal inventory effectively, my house is not in order. I have been considering that written inventory every night may be the only way that I can do this.
But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got.
I thought, what is "something" that you haven't got?
See to it that your relationship with Him is right,
I thought, yes that relationship is that "something" I haven't got. That relationship is the power that restores me to sanity. In order to have a relationship you must spend time with someone, so I don't have it. Also, my relationship with him must be "right" and it can't be if I hold on to those defects of charaacter and I can't be rid of them if I don't ask for him to remove them in daily inventory.
..and great events will come to pass for you and countless others.
I thought about the great events that had come to pass for me already. The obsession had been removed, I didn't have to "white knuckle" sobriety, I wasn't constantly dogged by a monkey on my back, this was a GREAT event for me. My life had been made manageable, my family was restored, I had a job, I had a house, but mostly I didn't have the emptiness that I usually had when I had to stay abstinent, I could feel joy again in the day to day normal activities in life, these were GREAT events for me.
This is the Great Fact for us.
This must be the GREAT fact for me. This must be the top priority in my life. I must put First Things First. The spiritual life is not a theory, I must live it.

May God bless you and keep you-until then.

Numbers 6
24 The LORD bless you and keep you!
25 The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!
26 The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Step 6 2008

This year I have looked at steps 6 and 7 as the the two parts of the process of removing character defects. This is where I "discard" my shortcomings.

Step 6 is the step where I become fully willing do my part.
Step 7 is the step where I fully allow God to do his part.

Neither step alone is sufficient to remove my character defects. I think that my tendency is to lean on one or the other too much but both of them are necessary to fully complete the process.

In step 6 I had to remember the connection between my defects of character and my disease. I had to realize that I must overcome the irritability, restlessness, and discontent, that I experience when separated from my substance of dependency. I must realize that if I am to live sober I must find a manageable life or I will go back to using and drinking.

I had to learn that I could not realize the full extent and signifigance of my defect character defects without first doing the inventory and seeing how my ideas were poorly formed. The inventory guided me to see the full extent of there destructiveness and to find a new and deeper perspective of them. In most cases I had a rearrangement of motives and became entirely willing just through the deconstruction process of the inventory.

In other cases I have a hard time becoming willing to change some of my shortcomings. This is typically because I have liked them and/or lived them for so long. I may come to realize their destructiveness but I can't get motivated to change. I may fully realize that they are selfish but my desire for them is so deep that I have a mental blank spot and can't overcome them. These things are the the habits of a lifetime and are deeply entrenched in my subconscious.

In these cases I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order to overcome their ingrained nature in me. I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order for the realization of their destructiveness to grow to the extent necessary to motivate me. I have had to repeatedly pray for willingness in order to find the necessary perseverance overcome my desire for them. Many times I couldn't remember why I needed to persevere in this step. But i just kept doing it based on my step 3 commitment.

The results of this step were a rearrangement of the driving forces that once ruled me and were the source of my discontent. I couldn't focus on character growth before practicing destruction of self-centeredness. I couldn't focus on living up to virtues like a normal person. I had focus on overcoming my defects of character to allow for virtue to build in their place.

The results have been peace of mind, sobriety, and inspiration.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Today I was able to live in the moment all day. I didn't realize until just now that I was free from the unmanageability that I was burdened with last night.

I took a customer call today at noon and didn't get to make it to the noon meeting.

I got to talk to a guy today who relapsed recently and get him going on the steps again.

I stopped at the intergroup office for books and got to meet a nice lady workig there and have a good talk with a fellow AA.

I thought a lot again today about practical answers to atheist dogma, particularly to the idea that there is no concrete evidence to prove the existence of God. I thought of how after I made an honest open-minded look at the issue and realized that many of my conceptions were no longer obstacle that it ultimately came down to an intuitive decision.

I felt an innate cetainty that God exists, that I needed God, and that God's power would vitalize me. But I also felt that this was more than an inherent feeling but rather an intuitive conclusion based on experiential evidence. I thought of an analogy of the idea of honesty. If you ask 50 people if they believe that honesty is the right way to live then most of them will answer yes. Then ask them what the evidence for that is.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Step 5 2008

Step 5 for me is about three things:

Honesty (Rigorous Honesty)
Humility (Ego Deflation)
Freedom (from Shame, Guilt, Remorse)

Honesty - I had begin learning to be honest about my thinking and my conduct. I had to learn a new concept of honesty, of honesty as clarity about reality. I had to learn about "rigorus honesty" about working through the discomfort and admitting the truth. I had to learn that just admitting my faults to God was not enough because of my own rationalization. I had to learn to open up to others. I had open up to another to break my internal dishonesty and break the cycle of rationalization. I had to learn that disclosing myself to another is the only way I can be sure to see the truth about myself.

Humility - Ego Deflation; seeing the truth about myself is a way for me to begin letting God's will be done not mine. I must be able to see the truth that my will is at best limited by the human scope of my perception and at worst, outright mentally defective. I must become able to accept that God's will is greater than mine. I must get my will out of the way to access God's Power.

Freedom - from Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Isolation. Part of doing step 5 is hearing that others have done similar things as me. Hearing that others are defective also helps break my isolation and the burden of my shame, guilt, and remorse. Getting these things out in the open relieves me of the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders. This relief takes away a major trap of my addiction.

'IT'S OKAY TO BE ME'
Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. . . . they have turned to easier methods. . . . But they had not learned enough humility. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 72-73

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Insanity

When I first came to 12 Step recovery I thought that the use of the word insanity was a exaggeration. I certainly didn't believe I was insane. My idea of insanity was hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices, multiple personalities and detachment from reality.

I got here because my circumstances drove me here. I just needed to get out of the trouble I was in at my job and with the law. My life didn't look all that bad on the outside and my using was restricted to binges.

When I started hearing the stories that people told in the rooms of CA, the light of truth began to shine on the reality of my mental state. I began to remember all the things that happened during my blackouts and binges. I began to remember just how bad things were when I was in a "down cycle" of my addiction in the years past. I began to see through the wall of my denial and delusion.

I thought about how I could see the "shadow police" in the black uniforms outside of my windows and I could hear them signalling each other by whistling when I was tweaking. Those were hallucinations.

I began to realize that when I did bad things to the people I loved and did things to risk my life, their life, and our welfare that this was not sane. I saw that my ability to make decisions and choices was controlled by the power of the obsession. I related to the "Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde" story in the Big Book and realized that I was like a person with a split personality or worse a "posessed person".

When I worked the steps I saw the depth of delusion under which I was living. I began to see how much my "world view" was based on my self-centeredness rather than on objective reality. I began to see that the ideas that I lived by were not good for me or for others even though I liked them.

When I attempted to change through prayer and meditation and to take continuous inventory I began to experience "the committee" in my head. This was a lot like "hearing voices".

When I relapsed repeatedly I realized I may be one of those with "grave emotional and mental disorders". But contrary to my previous notion, this did not mean I was different. It just meant that I had the insanity of addiction. It just meant that I had fully realized it.

I grasped the reality of the disease and no longer doubted that the term "insanity" was appropriate.

It was this realization that gave me the needed willingness to "completely give myself" to the program and the spiritual life. I was finally able to surrender the defects of character that blocked me from God's grace. I was able to have the things removed that caused me irritability, restlessness and discontent. I was finally able to stay sober. I was finally able to grow in understanding and effectiveness and inspiration.

Today I treat my sin-nature as a form of insanity and strive to be mindful that it is God that restores me to sanity.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Step 2 2008

I find myself finishing my yearly step 2 meditation in the midst of the Lenten season. This month I have reflected on giving up my unhealthy dependencies that I may experience a renewed conversion. Last Sunday my spiritual literature was about the concept of God as The Living Water. I need fresh, cleam, pure water for restoration and regeneration. God is the "Living Water" which restores and regenerates my soul. Most of all with the Living Water comes inspiration, hope, love, meaning, and wholeness.

This Lent I gave up flavored drinks except for a glass of morning orange juice. Every time I have desired a flavored drink I have looked at the glass of water and thought of regenerating my dependence upon God. Then I take a refreshing drink of water. By renewing my faith in God I renew my restoration to sanity and increase the opportunity for inspiration.

I have used the image of a bottle of the Living Water as my spiritual focus point in the midst of selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.

I also reflected a lot on the idea that reason is complimentary to faith.

This month I noticed that the "Daily Reflections" text did not delve into step 2 nearly as deeply as I thought or thought possible. I felt like I did not meditate as deeply as I would have liked to from the perspective of 12 step recovery.

The idea came to me to create a list of daily readings that focus specifically on the step. Perhaps I will do this with step 3.

Monday, February 25, 2008

What Happened?

"What happened to me"? How many times I found myself asking this question. Then I would focus on what happened looking for the key to solve the problem. Bu there was never a solution to be found, only causes for misery.

Later I found the key to solve the problem but I did not like it. This was the idea of a chronic, fatal, progressive disease that meant abstinence would be required.

Later I found that solving the spiritual malady was important but that the trauma of the past was not a requirement to have a spiritual malady. That some people who have childhood trauma and deprivation avoid a lifelong spiritual malady and some who have perfect childhood formation acquire a spiritual malady.

The only common factor is a separation from Source.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The Nature of The Disease

I just finished my January Step 1 Meditation and I had a renewed experience with the concept of the nature of the disease, that it is Chronic, Progressive, and Fatal.

The deaths of a couple of members of our fellowship confirmed this for me. I dedicate this post to Dave and Jennifer.

"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it"

Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."

Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

Fatal - bringing death.

"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."



"Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking , there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol."

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Putting First Things First

Today we started the story "Gutter Bravado". I noticed that in this story there was no childhood dysfunction. There was no childhood abuse or tragedy. There was no deprivation or poverty. The story teller had a spiritual upbringing. Yet he still became an alcoholic.

I observed in this and other stories that people with both good and the bad backgrounds can develop a spiritual malady or the disease of alcoholism. All that is necessary is the physical factor and human nature. In Gutter Bravado the story teller has a well formed upbringing. There is no abuse, no trauma, no poverty, no disease, no tragedy, nothing except a rebellious nature.

I found that I have to always put powerlessness first. I always have to see the lack of power, choice and control. It doesn't matter how I got that way or what started the ball rolling. I must always address powerlessness first.

It's not that past dysfunction is not important. It is about addressing the present condition first. I might need to find resolution to the past eventually but it's not what is required to get sober. In fact I can't find resolution from the bondage of the past until I find freedom from my present bondage of self.

It's about putting first things first.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Responsibility

My biggest experience with responsibility in recovery is to take responsibility for my own recovery.

In my first attempts at working the program I took no responsibility for it. I would wait for my sponsor to call me before I would call him. I would get angry that my sponsor was a hypocrite because he didn't call me. I would put other life maintenance ahead of doing my step work, then I would do the work on my sponsor's time. I would wait until somebody called me and showed they "cared" before I would get back to meetings. I would go to meetings and wait for someone to inspire me before I would try to share and I would leave dissatisfied if the meeting was "sick". I would blame my wife for not making sure I had quiet time for prayer and meditation. Worst of all I would wait for someone to ask me if I wanted to go to carry the message at H&I and I rarely got to do this. Then I would complain that no one asked me to sponsor them.

I couldn't stay sober.

When I came back this last time I was so desperate that I was willing to change everything starting with my initiative to work the program.

I didn't wait for the "right" sponsor or the popular sponsor. I grabbed a guy with 30 days who I heard come out of the Big Book and I asked him if he could sponsor me. I prioritized my step work ahead of everything else, my wife and job and my hobbies to make sure I was ready when it was time to meet with my sponsor. I would call him ahead of time and make sure that he could meet and that he remembered.

I had to do this because I was a chronic addict.

Today it is my responsibility to make time for prayer, meditation and evening review. I am responsible to stay accountable to my sponsor. I am responsible for teaching my sponsees to work a program and rely upon their higher power not on me. I am responsible for doing my part in meetings to share from my experience with this program so that there are no bad meetings. I am responsible for seeking out H&I meetings and reaching out to those who are trying to get sober.

My parents taught me responsibility when I was a kid but I lost that character trait in the years of my disease. The program has given this back to me in my life. Today I am presented with a great deal of responsibility in a job that I love. Today I get to be responsible for the care and formation of 4 beautiful little children. Today I get to be responsible for being a good husband to a loving wife. Today I get to be responsible for a home and a few vehicles and some finances.

Most of the time today my motivation to work this program is because it inspires me. Sometimes I have to do it because I am a chronic addict.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Spiritual Experience

The Spiritual Experience for me was like having my programming rewritten to become attuned to the directives of the Universe.

Sobriety was the reason I became willing but what I received was the key to the greatest life I could imagine.

The steps were like quantum shifts that combined to form the greater experience. The quanta sometimes came suddenly, the greater experience came over a longer period of time.

In the first step i had an awakening to the truth. I experienced total acceptance of my condition. The walls of denial and delusion were smashed.

In step 2 I experienced a reversal of paradigms in which reason became the construction of faith not the antithesis to it. It suddenly made more sense to believe than not to.

In step 3 I experienced power for the first time, power that removed the obsession to use.

Steps 4 through 9 got me reconnected to the stream of life and power began to flow through me.

Steps 10, 11 and 12 are where i experience growth and regeneration of the experience.

The experience happened in waves but is also something I must to keep active. It is "vital" in both the sense of "critical" and the sense of "alive".

My experience continues to be re-vitalized. Sometimes there's banging and heat and sparks fly, and clouds explode. It doesn't feel good while I'm being re-forged. But when I get through it is something new and entirely more effective.

Today I feel like God has given me everything I need, power, peace of mind and a sense of purpose. With that have come a wife, beautiful kids, great friends, and a good livelihood. The circumstances in my life are often difficult but my relationships and my acceptance are wonderful.

Oh yeah, and I don't have to shoot dope today.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What Caused the Spiritual Malady?

Lately I've been looking at the degree to which we focus on the early dysfunction of our lives as the events that shaped our disease.

The early parts of our stories often contain of lot of dysfunction that may serve to point out the spiritual malady was there before drinking ever happened. Perhaps this is a good reason to discuss this.

However, just as with reasons to drink, we don't need bad circumstances to have a spiritual malady, just something between us and God. This can be something bad or too much of something good, or just an absence of a spiritual life.

We all want to look at the circumstances and glorify them as the cause. perhaps this is because it is a distraction from looking at the absence of God in our lives. If we look at the absence of God more as the problem then this would make the connection to God More important.

Perhaps I should develop my story around this idea. I should show how there was this time when all was right in the world, all was complete, all was love. Then my faith in the divine changed and my will became more important than God.

When I was a little child I had complete faith in God, my parents and in Love. I didn't have the doubts about the existence or Power of God. I was obedient to my parents and they were the control limits for my will. Love for others was open, easily given and untainted by lust and narcissism.

I always attributed the loss of this to growing out of the naivete of childhood. But naivete of itself was not the reason for this blissful state. The real reason was the loss of faith, control, and connection to others.

The 12 Step process helps me get back to the state of connection to God that I had as a child.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Focusing on the First Cause

Lately I've been reading the stories in the Big Book and I've pondered the reasons we have a tendency to dwell on the first causes of our disease.

Perhaps we want focus too much on the cause because it is where our minds instinctively want to go as a strategy to solve the problem.

But we can't go back and change the past so we must focus on the solution for the problem as it is today.

Focusing on the beginning is just a distraction from the reality of today. We don't treat our disease by changing the circumstances of the past, we treat the state of our spiritual malady as it is today.

Why so much Drama of The Past?

Lately I've been reading the stories in the Big Book and I've pondered the reasons we have a tendency to dwell so much on the dysfunction of our lives in the early parts of our story.

Here are some reasons which we may do consciously or unconsciously:

Because we need to prove that we are real alcoholics
Beause we like drunk-a-logues
Because we think we will scare people into not drinking
Because we only have the disease to share not any recovery
To show how deep our denial ran
To show the circumstances that caused our drinking
To show we had a spiritual malady before we drank

I believe the numbers 5 & 7 are good reasons and may provide the guidelines to compose my story.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Why step 6?
Normies can just start with a list of character defects and strive to do better.
We have an exdcessive problem with perspective unmanageability so we can't see them at first.
We also suffer from powerlessness over them.
We need to get to the core problem.
Then we see them.
But we can't just act better.
We have to focus on access=ing power

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Miracle: "We Admitted"

I AM A MIRACLE , January 1
The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

This truly is a fact in my life today, and a real miracle. I always believed in God, but could never put that belief meaningfully into my life. Today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I now trust and rely on God, as I understand Him; I am sober today because of that! Learning to trust and rely on God was something I could never have done alone. I now believe in miracles because I am one!

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The Daily Reflections Website listed this reflection related to Step 2. I wondered why this would be in January and not be on Step 1. I thought it must refer to the fact that Step 1 IS "The Miracle". It got me thinking that it must be a transition from Step 12 since the last focus was on "all our affairs". Perhaps this was to bring us back to our Primary Purpose.

Another perspective might be that a 12th Step well performed always reconnects me with Step 1.

Tonight at a meeting I shared about this.

On my way home I thought more about the reflection and about "The Miracle". I remembered an insight a few weeks back that I'm not sure I wrote about.

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All my life I never witnessed a tangible Miracle. This was one of the reasons that I didn't have real faith. I believed that there was a God. But I thought this was just for the afterlife. I saw some synchronicities and even had some dreams and possible intuitions. But I never saw water turn into wine, until I came to AA.

I heard alcoholics and addicts give a description of their hopeless state of mind and body. They spoke of the nature of the disease, the physical factor and the mental obsession. They spoke of how they drank (or used) different than normal people early on in the progression and then how far gone they were at the end.

When I saw that they had recovered, I thought it truly WAS a Miracle. It was the first "real" miracle I had ever seen.

It was this witness that produced the 1st Step Miracle for me. The light of truth came on in me. I saw that I was medically incurable but the Power of God would restore me to sanity.

The miracle was that I could now see the truth about myself, The walls of denial and delusion were broken. I found willingness to consider that I needed to get this Power in my heart.

The same experience still occurs when I go to meetings and the light stays on.

They admitted, I admitted, "We admitted..."

This miracle is also the cornerstone of my faith.

My faith is the greatest joy in my life today. I am driven with desire to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I spend most of my thought life pondering matters of spirituality, religion, mysticism, philosophy and the nature of things. The architecure of my world view is built on the belief in the True and Living God. My world is secure, meaningful and Purpose driven.

Mission

This is a blog about one man's experiences in 12 step recovery and the spiritual life. ~