Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Actor

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous."    ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 61


     I originally thought that simply doing God's will and taking a personal inventory were not the real path to sobriety for me because I was a person of good morality, good will, and good conduct, except for my drinking and using.

   I was just an actor then.  My morality was a superficial act put on so that I could get along and get what I wanted.  I had some realization of conformity but I didn't truly know the nature of the workings of the psyche and I was limited by my self-centered perspective.  

     When I took the inventory I found that there is a deeper level at which my morality and conduct operated in which my discontent (that led to my drinking) was formed.  I didn't realize that people could be so good on the outside but be so bad on the inside.  But I realized that I did know this all along!?  Yet I lived in this delusion!  I learned how I truly needed the power of commitment to God and the perspective of others to break the distorted perception of my self-centeredness.

     Today I have to ask myself, "Am I still the actor who wants to run the whole show?"  Am I truly willing to let God run the show, or am I trying to wrest satisfaction and happiness from this world by managing well?  I can still fall into the trap of becoming the actor in sobriety.

  Am I living in spiritual make-believe where I tell myself that I am spiritually virtuous and self-sacrificing but life doesn't treat me well?  Am I trying to manage too many things or accomplish too much in the time I have under the justification that they are morally righteous?  Am I discontent over my unrealized ambitions?
Am I setting expectations for the moral and spiritual conduct of others?  Do I have a simmering discontent over the circumstances in my life?  Do I live in a delusion?


     God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Mission

This is a blog about one man's experiences in 12 step recovery and the spiritual life. ~