Sunday, July 13, 2008

A Vision Revealed

I once was in a meeting where the last page of "A Vision for You" was read. I was struggling with unmanageability and my sobriety felt tenuous. I was at the point in my clean time when I would always relapse. I didn't have the desire to drink or use but I knew by this time that my relapses were sudden and without warning. I knew I needed to do something different in my program or relapse was inevitable. I had met with my sponsor and I had sought God's will. My sponsor told me that I needed to do written inventory nightly and that I needed to clean house.

As I sat in the meeting I felt distant and self-absorbed. I sat there completely baffled by what God's will for me was. I resolved to hear what God needed me to hear and to consider the needs of others. Then someone read...

"God will constantly disclose more to you and to us".
I thought that's it! He's about to disclose his will for me...
"Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick".
I thought, yeah I have been praying a little but not meditating at all. I have never prayed for what God wants me to do for the man who is still sick.
The answers will come, if your own house is in order.
Yes I thought, I have not been taking personal inventory effectively, my house is not in order. I have been considering that written inventory every night may be the only way that I can do this.
But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got.
I thought, what is "something" that you haven't got?
See to it that your relationship with Him is right,
I thought, yes that relationship is that "something" I haven't got. That relationship is the power that restores me to sanity. In order to have a relationship you must spend time with someone, so I don't have it. Also, my relationship with him must be "right" and it can't be if I hold on to those defects of charaacter and I can't be rid of them if I don't ask for him to remove them in daily inventory.
..and great events will come to pass for you and countless others.
I thought about the great events that had come to pass for me already. The obsession had been removed, I didn't have to "white knuckle" sobriety, I wasn't constantly dogged by a monkey on my back, this was a GREAT event for me. My life had been made manageable, my family was restored, I had a job, I had a house, but mostly I didn't have the emptiness that I usually had when I had to stay abstinent, I could feel joy again in the day to day normal activities in life, these were GREAT events for me.
This is the Great Fact for us.
This must be the GREAT fact for me. This must be the top priority in my life. I must put First Things First. The spiritual life is not a theory, I must live it.

May God bless you and keep you-until then.

Numbers 6
24 The LORD bless you and keep you!
25 The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!
26 The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Step 6 2008

This year I have looked at steps 6 and 7 as the the two parts of the process of removing character defects. This is where I "discard" my shortcomings.

Step 6 is the step where I become fully willing do my part.
Step 7 is the step where I fully allow God to do his part.

Neither step alone is sufficient to remove my character defects. I think that my tendency is to lean on one or the other too much but both of them are necessary to fully complete the process.

In step 6 I had to remember the connection between my defects of character and my disease. I had to realize that I must overcome the irritability, restlessness, and discontent, that I experience when separated from my substance of dependency. I must realize that if I am to live sober I must find a manageable life or I will go back to using and drinking.

I had to learn that I could not realize the full extent and signifigance of my defect character defects without first doing the inventory and seeing how my ideas were poorly formed. The inventory guided me to see the full extent of there destructiveness and to find a new and deeper perspective of them. In most cases I had a rearrangement of motives and became entirely willing just through the deconstruction process of the inventory.

In other cases I have a hard time becoming willing to change some of my shortcomings. This is typically because I have liked them and/or lived them for so long. I may come to realize their destructiveness but I can't get motivated to change. I may fully realize that they are selfish but my desire for them is so deep that I have a mental blank spot and can't overcome them. These things are the the habits of a lifetime and are deeply entrenched in my subconscious.

In these cases I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order to overcome their ingrained nature in me. I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order for the realization of their destructiveness to grow to the extent necessary to motivate me. I have had to repeatedly pray for willingness in order to find the necessary perseverance overcome my desire for them. Many times I couldn't remember why I needed to persevere in this step. But i just kept doing it based on my step 3 commitment.

The results of this step were a rearrangement of the driving forces that once ruled me and were the source of my discontent. I couldn't focus on character growth before practicing destruction of self-centeredness. I couldn't focus on living up to virtues like a normal person. I had focus on overcoming my defects of character to allow for virtue to build in their place.

The results have been peace of mind, sobriety, and inspiration.

Mission

This is a blog about one man's experiences in 12 step recovery and the spiritual life. ~