Saturday, May 30, 2009

Insanity

"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."


This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I finally became willing to work the 12 Steps I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this type of insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Spiritual Fitness


Last night at our meeting the topic was the paragraph about step 7 and the beginning of step 8 finishing with the following sentence.

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

I thought of the common thread of spiritual fitness which is referred to in the 10th step.

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.


I thought about the parallel with physical fitness. Like physical fitness, spiritual fitness is something that must be developed and maintained to be of maximum effectiveness.

I recently experienced an example of this when I had to help with m son's little league. I thought myself to be physically fit because I am not overweight and I don't have any acute physical ailments. But when it came to actually doing a lot of running, and catching, and throwing in the warm summer, I was quickly sucking wind, inflexible, uncoordinated, and too weak to endure.

While I believed and understood all about fitness, and looked good. I wasn't actually in condition to do even minor exertion. In order to truly be in fit physical condition I need to run, work out, and follow a nutritional program.

The same applies to my spiritual condition. In m first attempts at sobriety I did varying degrees of half measures. Sometimes I did the work and got into fit spiritual condition but then didn't keep it up. I believed in spiritual concepts and principles but I had no power to apply them. When I hit trials and low spots I relapsed.

In order to access the power that restores me to sanity I must do my spiritual strength building in prayer and meditation. In order to access the power that gives me joy in life I must do my spiritual endurance and flexibility training in service and sacrifice.

Mission

This is a blog about one man's experiences in 12 step recovery and the spiritual life. ~