Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Bold Proposition

"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. "  Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 101

The first time I read this statement it stopped me dead in my tracks.  I thought that I had read it wrong and had to reread it.  Perhaps I was having trouble understanding the wording, surely it meant the opposite.  What I had read so far had little specific advice for practices to avoid drinking.  There was no step that said "Avoid slippery people and slippery places." I had predicted it would come in this chapter ("Working with Others"), or possibly in "To Wives." 


Then it struck me what a bold statement this was!  Especially so in light of the circumstances at the time the text was drafted.  At that time there were 100 members, none of which had more than 3-5 years of sobriety.  They were trying to get this fledgling organization off the ground and build credibility.  The safe thing to do would have been to either make a cautious minimal statement about safe places and people, or to avoid the subject altogether.  But instead they chose to stick to their conviction that recovery was primarily dependent upon a psychic change.


I remember thinking that the founders either took a reckless gamble, had a naive belief, or experienced a truly convincing miracle.  At this point it resonated so deeply with me that I became convinced myself.  At the time I was struggling with step 2 and this was a critical building block of my belief.  I knew to my core that they were right, no matter where I went I would find an Eskimo with some booze and an eight ball.  The only shield that would work would be a psychic one.  


This proved itself out for me in the days, months and years following the step work and spiritual awakening.  I moved back into my home and realized it was the most slippery place of all, especially my bathroom on a Friday night.  I remembered the family and business events that I went to where drinking took place.  Drinking friends and drug dealers attended and invariably tempted and propositioned me, but I had spiritual tools and resilience to protect me from a slip.


For me the best practices for slippery situations have been preventative ones.  True that taking a friend, using the phone, having an exit strategy are all essentials, but they are useless if I am not spiritually fit.  The best actions are daily prayer, meditation, continued inventory, regular fellowship, and working with others.  In short steps 10, 11, and 12, the spiritual fitness tools.


The text does give some advice and qualifications for going to places where there is drinking, I thought it best to list them:


  • "if we have a legitimate reason for being there."
  • "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?"
  • "be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good."
  • "if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!"

The only other measure that I use as an addict is that I do not need to be anywhere that illegal activities are occurring, period.  The moment that anything illegal occurs I no longer have a legitimate reason to be there. 
 These principals help me to make the decisions without having to rely on my feelings.  I must remember that I can't trust my feelings in these matters.  

Monday, August 9, 2010

Such Unfortunates

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates....  There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.  Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 64.

It was a hot, oppressive Texas evening as I sat in my chair at the 12 step meeting where I started this term in sobriety.  The windows seemed to loom over me and scoff at the validity of my willingness.  I couldn't blame anyone if they chose not to sit with me, but instead to "stick with the winners."  I almost wanted to give up and check out, but I stayed for my son whom I so desperately wanted to be there for.

As the meeting got under way my mind bounced back and forth like a pinball from question to question, why couldn't I get it?  What happened to me?  How could I have failed again?  I had finally been willing to take the 12 steps.  I had had a spiritual experience.  I had recovered.  I had been one of the winners, yet I relapsed.

This was not so bad, as many first timers have a slip, but I then went through a year of repeated attempts, and repeated failures, six in all.  Perhaps I was one of those "unfortunates" who was destined to go through the revolving door until the bitter end.

Then the standard reading started "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path... There are such unfortunates."  I thought "Wait a second, this reading is about psychopaths or sociopaths, men without conscience, who were constitutionally incapable of being honest."  Could I be a sociopath?  Then the reader got to the part stating "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders..." Suddenly I realized, possibly for the first time, that this was a point of distinction from those "unfortunates."  They could not be describing the psychopath because that certainly qualified as a grave mental disorder.

I wondered then who they were describing.  What type of disordered person was incapable of being honest? Was this just a construct of self-righteous, religious morality as the emphasis on honesty always seemed to infer to me?  Then I re-read the passage and realized that it said that they were "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."  It dawned on me that this sounded a lot like denial.  But, if this were the case then wouldn't that be all alcoholics and addicts?  If so, what distinguishes them from those who do recover?

The answer was right there in the reading, "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program,"  But I had done this, I had given myself.  I looked around the room and thought about how I had become more knowledgeable about the steps and been more thorough than 50% of the room.  Yet why had they stayed sober and not me?  Just as I thought about this, the reader was reading steps 10, 11, and 12.  I thought about how I had resisted being thorough about writing an evening review, about how I didn't have time to pray or meditate until I got in the car to go to work, about going to meetings for what I could get, not to try and carry the message, about not following my sponsor's advice to do a regular H&I because I did not think I was as bad an addict as him.

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."  "That's it" I thought, I have been measuring my thoroughness by what I think the other people in the rooms do, not by the path of the founders.  Being thorough probably means following the specific directions as written.

Thus my willingness was passed on to me from those that had also been constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  I had a new experience with the first step of step one, "We admitted."

That was six years ago as I write this.   I have received the willingness to go to any lengths ever since then.  Tonight when this was presented as the topic of the same group,  I was thinking back through my life to try to carry this message. I remembered this experience and realized it was the anniversary. I was amazed at how God carried the message to me, just as I was trying to carry the message to them, and my faith was renewed once again.

Thanks be to God.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Actor

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous."    ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 61


     I originally thought that simply doing God's will and taking a personal inventory were not the real path to sobriety for me because I was a person of good morality, good will, and good conduct, except for my drinking and using.

   I was just an actor then.  My morality was a superficial act put on so that I could get along and get what I wanted.  I had some realization of conformity but I didn't truly know the nature of the workings of the psyche and I was limited by my self-centered perspective.  

     When I took the inventory I found that there is a deeper level at which my morality and conduct operated in which my discontent (that led to my drinking) was formed.  I didn't realize that people could be so good on the outside but be so bad on the inside.  But I realized that I did know this all along!?  Yet I lived in this delusion!  I learned how I truly needed the power of commitment to God and the perspective of others to break the distorted perception of my self-centeredness.

     Today I have to ask myself, "Am I still the actor who wants to run the whole show?"  Am I truly willing to let God run the show, or am I trying to wrest satisfaction and happiness from this world by managing well?  I can still fall into the trap of becoming the actor in sobriety.

  Am I living in spiritual make-believe where I tell myself that I am spiritually virtuous and self-sacrificing but life doesn't treat me well?  Am I trying to manage too many things or accomplish too much in the time I have under the justification that they are morally righteous?  Am I discontent over my unrealized ambitions?
Am I setting expectations for the moral and spiritual conduct of others?  Do I have a simmering discontent over the circumstances in my life?  Do I live in a delusion?


     God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Who are We?

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution.   Alcoholics Anonymous Pg. 17

From the time I first began attending 12 step meetings I noticed what seemed to be two sets of voices.  There were those who talked explicitly about their past and their problems, but vaguely about the solution.  Then there were those who spoke in general terms about the past, but precisely about their nature and how to recover.  I saw the merits of both, but those who talked too much about the program of action seemed rigid and shrill to me, even though they made sense and seemed more forthright.

Being that I was rationally undisciplined, and identified more with drugalogues and issues, I gravitated toward the easier way.  The bunch that did not say things that pressured me with any difficult ideas were much more attractive to me.  This path was broader and less demanding.   But, I could not find the stable and lasting sobriety that I needed.

The identification, friendship, and support that I receive from the fellowship is great catalyst for beginning recovery, it is indispensable, but it has a shelf life. I will eventually run dry unless I take action to get connected to a Higher Power.  I am grateful for those who stood by the principles of the program and were not dissuaded by the desire to please everyone.  I was able to remember their perspective when I needed to consider what I should do different.

I had to come back to the 12 step fellowships several times before realizing lasting sobriety.  I found the willingness to commit myself to the spiritual solution and to practice it.  When I orient myself to the part the sober network that guides me to do the work, I establish and maintain an unlimited connection to that Power which is God.

This being said, I have found that if all I talk about is the work, then I don't make that connection to the addict who is still suffering.  It is very easy for me to get on a spiritual mountain top and think that identification is not important.  I have to make a conscious and deliberate effort to balance my attitude to include both elements of the cement that binds us.

Today I am bound to my fellows by what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Step 4

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 64

I often took stock of things when I would try and get sober.  I would look at my finances, my physical fitness, my housekeeping, the upkeep of my vehicles, etc.  But I could never bring myself to take a thorough look at my ideas and beliefs. The thought of taking moral inventory was highly objectionable to me.  After taking step 2 I began realizing that my I had undue revulsion for this and I began to question it. I realized that my distorted sense of morality was defending itself from inquiry.  This is where my addiction lived.  It was afraid to have the light of truth shine in and reveal it for what it was. I was afraid.  

The fourth step is the key to unlock the door of denial and to allow me to move out of self-centeredness.



Monday, April 12, 2010

5 Steps to Conflict Resolution

1. Self Control and Self Searching - I can't be objective or rational if I can't control my emotions. Step away and calm down.  Search out the source of my misdirected instinct.
2. Own my motives and actions - Ask myself: What have I done to contribute to this situation? Are any of my needs or actions based on misdirected instinct instead of rational thinking?  Think of what I can control, my feelings and actions.  Let go of what I can't control, the other person's feelings or actions.
3. Be Contrite (or Willing) - Surrender my willfulness and ask God for forgiveness, strength, and healing.  Base my sense of resolution on our well being not on the circumstances or outcome. Change my attitude to embrace recovery over revenge.  Consider that the resentment and broken relationship may be more harmful than the circumstances of the wrong (or perceived wrong).  If I struggle with this, at least consider that contrition is the best policy be willing to let God change me.
4. Empathize - Forgive the other person, put myself in their shoes.  Allow the other person to own their own feelings, or be wrong. Trust that they will change on their own time frame. Be willing to admit and fully accept the wrongs that I commit.
5. Restitution - Make amends.  Admit my own faults and apologize to them verbally as soon as possible. Make restitution as soon as possible if needed. Remember action speaks louder than words!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Lord's Prayer for Addicts

This morning this prayer came to mind.  I don't mean to suggest a different Lord's prayer and I never use different wording when I say the Lord's prayer but thinking about the meaning of each statement led me to think about this.

Our Father who art in Heaven,
Awesome be thy name,
Thy sanity come,
Thy will be done,
In reality, as it is in spirit,
Give us this day our daily strength,
and, forgive us our shortcomings,
as we forgive those who offend us,
Lead us, not into temptation,
but deliver us from our addiction,
For Thine is the power, peace, happiness,
and sense of direction,
Amen

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Step 1 Reflections 2010

We Admitted - When I came into AA I thought that I had already done step one.  After all I was here wasn't I?   I found companionship and support to "put the plug in the jug" from the people in the rooms.  I thought that it was just a matter of staying willing.

In time however, I lost this willingness.   Once things got better and the tangible effect of the consequences wore off, I drank again. 

I realized that this had been my cycle for all of my drinking life, I would become very willing at the end of a year of binges and would sober up for a while and then I would invariably start the cycle over again, sometimes unwittingly.

But something else happened for me in the rooms that went with me into my drinking life.  I became acutely aware of the extreme contradiction of my behavior.  I began to experience a dissonance that left me more deeply disturbed every time I drank. 

Eventually I returned to AA to try again knowing that I needed to capitalize on my willingness before it faded.   The message about the insane duality of the alcoholic (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) resonated with me.   This got me to focus on step one.   In reading in the book and  listening to sharing about step one I learned about the disease concept and the grave nature of powerlessness.   This was something that I had never known about before even though I had lived it forever.  

I believe that the "taking" of step one is in the real admission, the acceptance of the truth of the nature of alcoholism, not in the experience of drinking and misery.  I knew to some extent that I had a problem and that I needed to stop for years.  I even called myself an alcoholic sometimes, but I did not truly understand what that meant and it's full implication until I came to AA.

I found a new willingness and motivation to stay and do the work.  The mystery began to unravel from there and I began to receive the keys to build a foundation of recovery.

Thanks be to God and to AA for the truth that allows me to find freedom.

Mission

This is a blog about one man's experiences in 12 step recovery and the spiritual life. ~