Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Step 12 Reflections 2009

Having had  a Spiritual Awakening - When I first considered the Twelve Steps I immediately scanned down to the twelfth step for the payoff. I expected to find that I would get control of my drinking, and gain material success and prosperity as a result of working these steps. I was sorely disappointed to find that I would have a “spiritual awakening”. I thought this was pie in the sky stuff and didn’t understand what that had to do with getting sober. I didn’t bother to take the steps.

I tried to stay sober by “putting the plug in the jug”, going to lots of meetings, changing playmates and playpens, and taking psychotherapy. This was “my” program. I never did work and I could not stay sober.

As a Result of these Steps
- When I hit a lower bottom I got more desperate to get sober and stay sober and I became willing go to any lengths. I was shown that the twelve steps were the program of recovery, no steps; no program, no program; no recovery (for me, for my type).

When I took the steps I was shown that my life was unmanageable and that this was why I could not stay sober. I learned that this was the result of a spiritual sickness. I read in the Big Book that when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

    When I took all twelve steps I received much more than I expected. I received power, peace, happiness, and a sense of direction. I received an understanding that these things were the real meaning, the real source of fulfillment in life.

    The Spiritual Awakening is ineffable, it can’t be explained, it can only be experienced, but it is a greater treasure than any material prosperity that I could imagine.

We Tried to carry this message - became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help.  The step doesn't ask me to  help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober.   What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him.  With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems.  I first have to teach him to put first things first.   That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

And Practice these Principles - Walk the walk not just talk the talk. Part of what sold me was the idea of constructive action.  This is what was different than religion as I had previously conceived it.  It was a process of constructive action and belief.  Still once I had gone through the work and some time went by I fell into faith without works and relapsed.  When I reconstructed what went wrong I found that it was a matter of truly internalizing this consept, faith without works is dead.

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. Alcoholics Anonymous, p.19


In All of our Affairs -    For me the “all of my affairs” part of step 12 is about putting these principles (such as love, tolerance, and forgiveness) into practice in my daily life .

    There have been times when I studied, believed in, and could tell you all about these principles but I didn’t actually put much effort into practicing them. The result was a stressful, antagonistic, unmanageable life – and sometimes relapse. I found that it’s not enough for me to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.

    Also, it is easy for me to talk about these things in meetings and practice them with my AA friends but the hard part is to practice these ideas outside of the rooms where others may not reciprocate. If I do not practice them in ALL of my affairs then I am only doing half measures and the result is nil. I can not compartmentalize my spiritual life or I become my own god.

    This program is no different than some forms of secular morality except for the higher power part (and it’s primary purpose). But I have never been able to fully realize these convictions based on the scope of my own reasoning ability. There were always some situations, people, causes, or institutions that I could not tolerate or forgive based on the values of my limited vision (my justice). It was only when I chose to live by the directives of a Higher Power that I was able to realize the fullness of fellowship with others and the power to overcome my obsession.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

When I was in treatment for addiction there were three individuals in there that intrigued me, a counselor, a cop, and a preacher.  At the time I was struggling to find faith and the spiritual life.  I questioned the validity of recovery if here were three men who were experts in psychology, morality, and spirituality that ended up in treatment. 

I asked the counselor why he couldn't stay sober if hew was an expert in recovery programs.  He told me that he believed in recovery and the spiritual life but he did not have a spiritual life of his own.  He could teach everyone else how to get sober but he could not stay sober himself.

I asked the cop why he was in trouble if he was a law keeper.  He said that he always believed in God and his law.  That's why he was a cop, to make sure everyone else followed the law.  But, he did not have his own spiritual life and as a consequence he himself could not follow the law.

I asked the preacher why he could not stay sober if he had faith.  He said that believed wholeheartedly in God and the spiritual life.   He could teach everyone else about theology and the spiritual life and administer this for them. But, he had lost his own spiritual life and he could not live rightly himself.

These guys taught me a simple lesson, "faith without works is dead".

This explained to me why so many people of faith were hypocrites, not because faith doesn't work but, because people don't do the work to get or keep their faith.  It all made sense to me then and I had a feeling deep within that I could now find faith.

I had to learn this lesson for myself later down the road when I found recovery and had some time and lost it.  I looked back at my program and saw that I had been thorough.  I had several relapses and saw that each time the conditions prior to relapse were different except for one common thread.  I had quit doing the spiritual work consistently and my faith had died.

Today I try and keep the spiritual life first above all things.

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
For just as a body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.
James 2:26

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Step 11 Reflection 2009


Prayer and meditation is essential to the cultivation of recovery and wellness.  It is daily process of behavioral planning, programming, and the spiritual life.  This is a life skill that is indispensable and rewarding.  It is a practice that can result in a high functioning life.

Building the practice - In the beginning I often did not feel anything out it, understand it, get anything, or do it very well.  But, I was beginning and building the practice and got a sense of constructive effort and felt a sense of growth by looking at the cumulative effort. 

Building a better self - When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living.  Prayer and meditation is the process of amending the character.   It is the process of building effective thinking, emotional control, and good behaviors.  This deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a high functioning life that is greater than good.


Building a connection to God - When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness.  I build a spiritual life and place this in the correct priority as the most important action in the process of wellness cultivation.  This comes through improved conscious contact with God.  This is the process of divine filiation.  It is what we are designed for.

Building strength of faith - I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith.  I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious. I thought of how this is a way one would actualize the Placebo Effect.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you." 


Philippians 4:6-9



Friday, November 20, 2009

A Sense of Direction

The emphasis of my 12 Step work must be upon God and His will.  I must be careful that I do not lean too heavily on my own efforts or on the 12 Step fellowship.  Here is a visual to describe this.

I had often heard the 5 things to do to stay sober (particularly when exiting a treatment center).  They are usually some variation of these.
  1. Go to Meetings 
  2. Get a Sponsor 
  3. Read the Big Book
  4. Pray and Meditate (or Work The Steps)
  5. Do Service Work (or Help Others)

The pyramid illustrates how much power I get from them.  The largest part of the pyramid is the base, in service and the steps.  The smallest parts of the pyramid are meetings and sponsor. 










The power I get through doing the work is most effective if I am doing it in the spirit of service to God and others.  This is where most of my efforts should be.  At the beginning I was upside down in that most of my time was spent in meetings and with my sponsor and the Big Book.  Later I often got this upside down in continuing to place my dependence mostly upon making meetings and asking my sponsor to solve my problems.  To keep my experience alive and healthy (vital), I must be of maximum service to God and my fellows so I  must get the pyramid right side up.

A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
There is a Solution, page 28

The "Vital" Spiritual Experience


It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. Into Action, page 88


The spiritual experience must be kept “vital” in the sense of alive in order to stay connected and to grow. Steps 10, 11, 12 keep me connected to God’s power.

A. We usually think of the steps like they are listed on the wall 1-12 in linear fashion. We think of them as a process we finished when we worked them with a sponsor. We studied them, we did the writing, we had the Spiritual Experience.

B. However, when we do step 12 it takes us back to step 1 working with another alcoholic.

C. Continuing to do step 12 makes the steps circular.

D. Doing 10 11 and 12 are like a small circle in the big circle. Each of the growth steps reconnects us with all of our steps. We have an experience with the steps again. We keep the experience alive. We continue to work them.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

A Hundred Forms of Self

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".


This morning I finally felt well enough to go to a meeting after a week with the flu. I knew I needed to go because it had not been to a meeting in a week but, I found myself struggling against the idea.  that I had a hundred other things that seemed to be more important. I thought about how all these things were critical to life maintenance and I was way behind on them because I had been sick.  but then I remembered that meetings were of primary importance, but why? The thought crossed my mind that drinking or using was the farthest thing from my mind so I am not in any danger right?.

At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration.  I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later.  I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.

I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted.   I wondered why this was.   I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?

The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem.  They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power.  I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days.  I had spent too much time with me!

This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps.  I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude.   I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences.  Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem.   I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.

Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete.  When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea.  The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".  I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed.  It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions.  I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance.  But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.


My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective.   This is what was causing my impairment of vision.   I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive.  So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them. 

I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem.  Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness.  Nevertheless the solution always lies with me.   I must take the action required to be rid of self.  And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Faith Means Courage


Recently I've been in several Twelve Step meetings that have been about surrender, fear, and fear of surrender. Coincidentally, I've been working with someone on a moral inventory and reviewing fear.

Typically the question comes up: "How do I learn to surrender when all my life I have been taught that I have to fight at all costs to survive (or succeed)?".

This was exactly how I felt when I was trying to learn to live by these new principles. I grew up with a lot of ideas about fierce self-reliance like "You have to fight for your right", "Never surrender", "never give up", "never say die", "never say never again", "keep your mouth shut", and "Never apologize it's a sign of weakness". I was taught this is what it means to be a man.

I thought about the reading in the AA Big Book on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage.

"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I thought about how it also states that we "never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator". I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked by the idea of courage to talk about faith rather than courage to live by faith. It seems to me that the context before and after is all about living by faith. Perhaps he meant to say something like:

"We never fear the way of depending upon our creator. We must set aside our old idea that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never let doubt deter us from depending upon God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I don't mean to suggest that the Big Book needs to be re-written. I'm just trying to distill out what the book says to me about faith as the way of strength.

It has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside self reliance and depend upon God. In fact it sometimes seems like a real fight. What happened to me is that initially I had to surrender the fight to have things my way. But then, I had to learn to fight my will and the ways of the world to do God's will. It really didn't feel like a surrender for long before it started to feel like a new fight.

But now I am no longer fighting alone for a futile cause. Now I am fighting the good fight with a Leader and a team as my strength. When I completely give myself to Him, pray for him to remove my fear, follow his word, work with others, join in communion with the church, the saints and the angels, I am galvanized and achieve that which I have never been able to accomplish on my own.

Thanks be to God!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."
-Matthew 19:26

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Friday, July 31, 2009

Rigorous Honesty

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.


I thought about how I originally gave this a cursory reading thinking that it referred to pathological types with other more severe psychological disorders than alcoholism or addiction. I thought that those unfortunates were those who were lifelong criminals, or psychopaths, or social degenerates.

I also read this with a pre-conception of the term dishonest as referring to willful or or consentual lying. I also thought of dishonesty strictly in relation to interpersonal conduct.

But then one day I read it differently. This happened when I was coming back from relapse and was especially desperate, baffled, and despondent. I realized that it said that they were incapable of being honest with themselves. This started me thinking that this was referring to internal dishonesty. I realized that this could refer to the dynamic of denial and delusion. I realized that my conception may be preventing me from understanding this reading. I realized that in this context it could refer to me.

I thought that perhaps there might be an answer for me here. I realized that the description of those that failed could apply to all of us except for the part about thoroughly following the path. That I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself sounded like it referred to the idea that "of myself" I was not able to defeat my denial. That would apply to all addict/alcoholics except for those that thoroughly followed our path and gave themselves completely to this simple program.

I considered that perhaps I had not given myself completely to the program and/or thoroughly followed their path. But I thought to myself that I had given myself completely to my program and that I had thoroughly followed the path of everyone else in the fellowship, in some cases more thoroughly than some people who stayed sober.

Then it dawned on me that where it said "our" it referred to the people who wrote the book not the people in the current fellowship (except for those that followed the book). Then it dawned on me that I had been unwilling to thoroughly follow the precise instructions (the path) as outlined in the book. I had also been unwilling to give myself completely to this simple program, preferring to rely more on the fellowship rather than the program.

I also saw that the paragraph ended by saying that they are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of LIVING which demanded rigorous honesty. Could this refer to the same type of denial about my other hang ups in life? Just being back from relapse and seeing some truth about myself I had to say yes! By not admitting the truth about my disordered instincts, emotions, desires, values, and judgments I had not completely given myself to this simple program.

I decided to follow their path thoroughly for 24 hours. I would commit to a rigorously honest self appraisal, I would make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, I would get a sponsor today, I would write some inventory that night, I would pray and meditate in the morning, I would try to carry this message in a meeting today, and I would practice these principals in all my affairs not just talk about them.

Therein was the key to my sobriety and it is still so today.

Thanks be to God.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Hyphen


Tonight I went to a meeting and the topic was "Patience". I remembered that when I first came to 12 Step fellowships for my addiction I didn't have much patience for topics like patience. I remembered that my thoughts were so overwhelmed by my addiction that I just couldn't see what these types of topics had to do with it.

I realized that this was one of my main objections to the whole 12 Step program in general; the idea that I needed to address my moral conduct. All I could think about was the conflict of pain, fear, and obsession that I had. I had problems like welts on my arms, triggers, fear of losing my job, house, and family, and a mind that couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to use. I thought it was these things that the recovery program needed to be about, not my moral conduct.

When I finally took the steps I found the answer in the hyphen in Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".

In the second part of the step it says that our "lives" and not our "drinking or using" had become unmanageable. I often heard that this referred to the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. But, to me that would mean that my using and drinking had become unmanageable not my "life". Then I noticed that the program from step 3 on addresses my conduct in my "life" not my drinking and using. This seems to validate that it truly does refer to my "life".

So then I wondered why there was a hyphen (-) there and not the word "and". If it refers to my "life" then shouldn't it say "and" our lives had become unmanageable? I thought that the hyphen seemed to connect my unmanageable life back to my powerlessness which would validate the notion that my "life" being unmanageable referred to my powerlessness over drinking and using.

It was later when I was studying (doing) the moral inventory that the answer was revealed for me.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
In broader terms it meant that emotional, moral, or spiritual disturbances in any part of my "life" cause a disconnection from the Power that removes the obsession to drink.

The hyphen (-) means that my powerlessness over drinking and using is directly connected to my unmanageable life. It means that solving the problem of the unmanageable life is the critical to solving the problem of addiction.

I think that conversely it may also compare my unmanageable "life" back to my addiction therefore the hyphen also means "and". That like my powerlessness over the substances, that I lack power to manage my disordered motives, feelings, values, decisions, and conduct (my life). Perhaps that's why step 2 states that we will be restored to "sanity" not just "sobriety" and Step 7 asks God to remove our defects of character.

Thanks be to God for managing my life and keeping me clean and sober today.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Insanity

"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."


This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I finally became willing to work the 12 Steps I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this type of insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Spiritual Fitness


Last night at our meeting the topic was the paragraph about step 7 and the beginning of step 8 finishing with the following sentence.

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

I thought of the common thread of spiritual fitness which is referred to in the 10th step.

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.


I thought about the parallel with physical fitness. Like physical fitness, spiritual fitness is something that must be developed and maintained to be of maximum effectiveness.

I recently experienced an example of this when I had to help with m son's little league. I thought myself to be physically fit because I am not overweight and I don't have any acute physical ailments. But when it came to actually doing a lot of running, and catching, and throwing in the warm summer, I was quickly sucking wind, inflexible, uncoordinated, and too weak to endure.

While I believed and understood all about fitness, and looked good. I wasn't actually in condition to do even minor exertion. In order to truly be in fit physical condition I need to run, work out, and follow a nutritional program.

The same applies to my spiritual condition. In m first attempts at sobriety I did varying degrees of half measures. Sometimes I did the work and got into fit spiritual condition but then didn't keep it up. I believed in spiritual concepts and principles but I had no power to apply them. When I hit trials and low spots I relapsed.

In order to access the power that restores me to sanity I must do my spiritual strength building in prayer and meditation. In order to access the power that gives me joy in life I must do my spiritual endurance and flexibility training in service and sacrifice.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Empty On The Inside

This evening I got to go to the Book Study meeting. We read the personal story "Empty on the Inside". I related to the author where she spoke of being a neglectful parent. I experience that same sense of vacancy when I didn't have enough love to give to my child. I remember feeling like I was sucking the life out of him rather than nurturing him with the love that he needed in such a critical and vulnerable time in his development. I remember being hung over and feeling empty, remorseful, and hopeless. and then holding him tight and getting the only sense of meaning present in my life.


I also related to the author when she spoke of feeling like everyone else had been handed the instructions in life except her. I felt like this even though I did have a good set of life skills. I was good at my jobs, good at academics, good at getting along with people, good at arts, good at sports, good at health and hygiene, a good citizen, etc., etc. But I still felt like everyone else had the instructions to life and I missed it. I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't keep intimate relationships, I couldn't find meaning in life, I couldn't live up to my potential, I couldn't stop getting high. It was like the life skills wheel I saw at the middle school, there was an empty hole in the middle where God should be.

The Big Book taught me the model of correction of my inner self and how to connect to God at the center. Thus my life skills have become better formed and truly useful. I now have meaning and purpose and love in my life and I can be useful to other people. I am blessed with children that I do not neglect and I no longer feel empty on the inside.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I AM A MIRACLE

The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

AT 7:00 this morning I opened my garage door and looked out at the street in front of my house and it looked like a war zone. There were piles of fireworks remnants and cannon shells all over the place from the party last night. I thought to myself that there were probably many people who would wake up today and feel like that street looked.

I thought about what a miracle it is that I don't have to feel like a war zone in my head today. I thought about what a miracle it is that I didn't have to drink last night or any night for the past year and a few before that.

I thought about the first New Year's party that I drank. I had a flashback to it the other night. I was sitting with the baby and the kids were watching Charlie Brown New Year. I suddenly remembered that I had identified with him leading up to that New Year's party in 1974. I too was anticipating the worry that I would make a fool out of myself, that I wouldn't be able to talk to the girls, that I wouldn't be able to dance, and that I would be perceived as boring and uncool. I went to the party with a Charlie Brown conception of myself and it was just like that until IT happened. My friend snuck me my first full glass of alcohol, it was champagne.

Something inconceivable happened to me when I drank that glass. Suddenly the world shifted. Suddenly the party no longer felt like the Charlie Brown New Year, it felt like Saturday Night Fever and I felt like Tony Manero! Suddenly I was bold and bullet proof and could talk to the ladies and dance like i was on Soul Train. Suddenly I felt like everybody respected me and I was on fire!

That night didn't end well. We were only allowed a few drinks but I started craving more liquor and started sneaking it. I drank too much and got caught, I got so loaded that I tried to hit on my friend's mom. I burned my hair and I was crawling on the floor crying. When they drove me home I fell out of the car in front of my parents house, and puked my guts. My parents got into a huge argument with the parent who had the party.

The next day my head and body felt like a war zone. Nothing even close to that bad had ever happened to me in my life. I remembered all of the bad stuff that had happened and none of the good stuff. I swore I would never drink again.

A few days or weeks later my friend reminisced with me about the good parts of the party. Suddenly the memory of how good drinking felt to me came rushing back. I actually remembered what the euphoric feeling felt like not just the confidence that it gave me. I could remember what was so bad about it that I swore it off. My friend and I went out and got loaded again. Thus began a pattern that would dog me for the next 25 years.

Normal people don't react like that to alcohol. Alcohol doesn't change the world for most people. Most people don't crave more so much that they can't stop. Normal people don't have the sort of problems with control that I had.

Most people don't have the sorts of problems with the consequences of drinking that I had. Most people eventually stop and don't start again when these things happen. I never couldn't remember what was so bad that I had to swear it off. I always drank again.

I had many unhappy New Years after that. The holiday came to be a time that I would dread. I remember not making it to midnight a lot of years. I remember disappearing on a binge a lot on New Years. I remember a lot of crying and pain and heartache. It always felt like a war zone.

It's a miracle that people who drank like me can get sober.
It's a miracle that people whose lives got screwed up so bad can get such good lives back.
It's a miracle that people whose minds suffered such damage can find joy again.

I tried for years to get sober through will power and self control. I achieved improvement and success in many areas of my life but could never get control over my drinking. It took a miracle for that to happen.

Thanks be to God for that miracle!

Mission

This is a blog about one man's experiences in 12 step recovery and the spiritual life. ~