Step 1 Reflections 2010

We Admitted - When I came into AA I thought that I had already done step one.  After all I was here wasn't I?   I found companionship and support to "put the plug in the jug" from the people in the rooms.  I thought that it was just a matter of staying willing.

In time however, I lost this willingness.   Once things got better and the tangible effect of the consequences wore off, I drank again. 

I realized that this had been my cycle for all of my drinking life, I would become very willing at the end of a year of binges and would sober up for a while and then I would invariably start the cycle over again, sometimes unwittingly.

But something else happened for me in the rooms that went with me into my drinking life.  I became acutely aware of the extreme contradiction of my behavior.  I began to experience a dissonance that left me more deeply disturbed every time I drank. 

Eventually I returned to AA to try again knowing that I needed to capitalize on my willingness before it faded.   The message about the insane duality of the alcoholic (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) resonated with me.   This got me to focus on step one.   In reading in the book and  listening to sharing about step one I learned about the disease concept and the grave nature of powerlessness.   This was something that I had never known about before even though I had lived it forever.  

I believe that the "taking" of step one is in the real admission, the acceptance of the truth of the nature of alcoholism, not in the experience of drinking and misery.  I knew to some extent that I had a problem and that I needed to stop for years.  I even called myself an alcoholic sometimes, but I did not truly understand what that meant and it's full implication until I came to AA.

I found a new willingness and motivation to stay and do the work.  The mystery began to unravel from there and I began to receive the keys to build a foundation of recovery.

Thanks be to God and to AA for the truth that allows me to find freedom.

Step 12 Reflections 2009

Having had  a Spiritual Awakening - When I first considered the Twelve Steps I immediately scanned down to the twelfth step for the payoff. I expected to find that I would get control of my drinking, and gain material success and prosperity as a result of working these steps. I was sorely disappointed to find that I would have a “spiritual awakening”. I thought this was pie in the sky stuff and didn’t understand what that had to do with getting sober. I didn’t bother to take the steps.

I tried to stay sober by “putting the plug in the jug”, going to lots of meetings, changing playmates and playpens, and taking psychotherapy. This was “my” program. I never did work and I could not stay sober.

As a Result of these Steps - When I hit a lower bottom I got more desperate to get sober and stay sober and I became willing go to any lengths. I was shown that the twelve steps were the program of recovery, no steps; no program, no program; no recovery (for me, for my type).

When I took the steps I was shown that my life was unmanageable and that this was why I could not stay sober. I learned that this was the result of a spiritual sickness. I read in the Big Book that when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

    When I took all twelve steps I received much more than I expected. I received power, peace, happiness, and a sense of direction. I received an understanding that these things were the real meaning, the real source of fulfillment in life.

    The Spiritual Awakening is ineffable, it can’t be explained, it can only be experienced, but it is a greater treasure than any material prosperity that I could imagine.

We Tried to carry this message - became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help.  The step doesn't ask me to  help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober.   What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him.  With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems.  I first have to teach him to put first things first.   That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

And Practice these Principles - Walk the walk not just talk the talk. Part of what sold me was the idea of constructive action.  This is what was different than religion as I had previously conceived it.  It was a process of constructive action and belief.  Still once I had gone through the work and some time went by I fell into faith without works and relapsed.  When I reconstructed what went wrong I found that it was a matter of truly internalizing this consept, faith without works is dead.

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. Alcoholics Anonymous, p.19


In All of our Affairs -    For me the “all of my affairs” part of step 12 is about putting these principles (such as love, tolerance, and forgiveness) into practice in my daily life .

    There have been times when I studied, believed in, and could tell you all about these principles but I didn’t actually put much effort into practicing them. The result was a stressful, antagonistic, unmanageable life – and sometimes relapse. I found that it’s not enough for me to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.

    Also, it is easy for me to talk about these things in meetings and practice them with my AA friends but the hard part is to practice these ideas outside of the rooms where others may not reciprocate. If I do not practice them in ALL of my affairs then I am only doing half measures and the result is nil. I can not compartmentalize my spiritual life or I become my own god.

    This program is no different than some forms of secular morality except for the higher power part (and it’s primary purpose). But I have never been able to fully realize these convictions based on the scope of my own reasoning ability. There were always some situations, people, causes, or institutions that I could not tolerate or forgive based on the values of my limited vision (my justice). It was only when I chose to live by the directives of a Higher Power that I was able to realize the fullness of fellowship with others and the power to overcome my obsession.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

When I was in treatment for addiction there were three individuals in there that intrigued me, a counselor, a cop, and a preacher.  At the time I was struggling to find faith and the spiritual life.  I questioned the validity of recovery if here were three men who were experts in psychology, morality, and spirituality that ended up in treatment. 

I asked the counselor why he couldn't stay sober if hew was an expert in recovery programs.  He told me that he believed in recovery and the spiritual life but he did not have a spiritual life of his own.  He could teach everyone else how to get sober but he could not stay sober himself.

I asked the cop why he was in trouble if he was a law keeper.  He said that he always believed in God and his law.  That's why he was a cop, to make sure everyone else followed the law.  But, he did not have his own spiritual life and as a consequence he himself could not follow the law.

I asked the preacher why he could not stay sober if he had faith.  He said that believed wholeheartedly in God and the spiritual life.   He could teach everyone else about theology and the spiritual life and administer this for them. But, he had lost his own spiritual life and he could not live rightly himself.

These guys taught me a simple lesson, "faith without works is dead".

This explained to me why so many people of faith were hypocrites, not because faith doesn't work but, because people don't do the work to get or keep their faith.  It all made sense to me then and I had a feeling deep within that I could now find faith.

I had to learn this lesson for myself later down the road when I found recovery and had some time and lost it.  I looked back at my program and saw that I had been thorough.  I had several relapses and saw that each time the conditions prior to relapse were different except for one common thread.  I had quit doing the spiritual work consistently and my faith had died.

Today I try and keep the spiritual life first above all things.

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
For just as a body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.
James 2:26

Step 11 Reflection 2009

Prayer and meditation is essential to the cultivation of recovery and wellness.  It is daily process of behavioral planning, programming, and the spiritual life.  This is a life skill that is indispensable and rewarding.  It is a practice that can result in a high functioning life.

Building the practice - In the beginning I often did not feel anything out it, understand it, get anything, or do it very well.  But, I was beginning and building the practice and got a sense of constructive effort and felt a sense of growth by looking at the cumulative effort. 

Building a better self - When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living.  Prayer and meditation is the process of amending the character.   It is the process of building effective thinking, emotional control, and good behaviors.  This deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a high functioning life that is greater than good.


Building a connection to God - When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness.  I build a spiritual life and place this in the correct priority as the most important action in the process of wellness cultivation.  This comes through improved conscious contact with God.  This is the process of divine filiation.  It is what we are designed for.

Building strength of faith - I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith.  I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious. I thought of how this is a way one would actualize the Placebo Effect.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you." 

Philippians 4:6-9

A Sense of Direction

The emphasis of my 12 Step work must be upon God and His will.  I must be careful that I do not lean too heavily on my own efforts or on the 12 Step fellowship.  Here is a visual to describe this.

I had often heard the 5 things to do to stay sober (particularly when exiting a treatment center).  They are usually some variation of these.

1. Go to Meetings 
2. Get a Sponsor 
3. Read the Big Book
4. Pray and Meditate (or Work The Steps)
5. Do Service Work (or Help Others)
   

The pyramid illustrates how much power I get from them.  The largest part of the pyramid is the base, in service and the steps.  The smallest parts of the pyramid are meetings and sponsor. 

The power I get through doing the work is most effective if I am doing it in the spirit of service to God and others.  This is where most of my efforts should be.  At the beginning I was upside down in that most of my time was spent in meetings and with my sponsor and the Big Book.  Later I often got this upside down in continuing to place my dependence mostly upon making meetings and asking my sponsor to solve my problems.  To keep my experience alive and healthy (vital), I must be of maximum service to God and my fellows so I  must get the pyramid right side up.

A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
There is a Solution, page 28

The "Vital" Spiritual Experience

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. Into Action, page 88

The spiritual experience must be kept “vital” in the sense of alive in order to stay connected and to grow. Steps 10, 11, 12 keep me connected to God’s power.

A. We usually think of the steps like they are listed on the wall 1-12 in linear fashion. We think of them as a process we finished when we worked them with a sponsor. We studied them, we did the writing, we had the Spiritual Experience.

B. However, when we do step 12 it takes us back to step 1 working with another alcoholic.

C. Continuing to do step 12 makes the steps circular.

D. Doing 10 11 and 12 are like a small circle in the big circle. Each of the growth steps reconnects us with all of our steps. We have an experience with the steps again. We keep the experience alive. We continue to work them.

A Hundred Forms of Self

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".

This morning I finally felt well enough to go to a meeting after a week with the flu. I knew I needed to go because it had not been to a meeting in a week but, I found myself struggling against the idea.  that I had a hundred other things that seemed to be more important. I thought about how all these things were critical to life maintenance and I was way behind on them because I had been sick.  but then I remembered that meetings were of primary importance, but why? The thought crossed my mind that drinking or using was the farthest thing from my mind so I am not in any danger right?.

At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration.  I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later.  I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.

I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted.   I wondered why this was.   I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?

The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem.  They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power.  I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days.  I had spent too much time with me!

This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps.  I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude.   I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences.  Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem.   I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.

Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete.  When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea.  The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".  I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed.  It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions.  I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance.  But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.


My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective.   This is what was causing my impairment of vision.   I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive.  So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them. 

I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem.  Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness.  Nevertheless the solution always lies with me.   I must take the action required to be rid of self.  And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.