The Hyphen

Tonight I went to a meeting and the topic was "Patience". I remembered that when I first came to 12 Step fellowships for my addiction I didn't have much patience for topics like patience. I remembered that my thoughts were so overwhelmed by my addiction that I just couldn't see what these types of topics had to do with it.

I realized that this was one of my main objections to the whole 12 Step program in general; the idea that I needed to address my moral conduct. All I could think about was the conflict of pain, fear, and obsession that I had. I had problems like welts on my arms, triggers, fear of losing my job, house, and family, and a mind that couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to use. I thought it was these things that the recovery program needed to be about, not my moral conduct.

When I finally took the steps I found the answer in the hyphen in Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".

In the second part of the step it says that our "lives" and not our "drinking or using" had become unmanageable. I often heard that this referred to the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. But, to me that would mean that my using and drinking had become unmanageable not my "life". Then I noticed that the program from step 3 on addresses my conduct in my "life" not my drinking and using. This seems to validate that it truly does refer to my "life".

So then I wondered why there was a hyphen (-) there and not the word "and". If it refers to my "life" then shouldn't it say "and" our lives had become unmanageable? I thought that the hyphen seemed to connect my unmanageable life back to my powerlessness which would validate the notion that my "life" being unmanageable referred to my powerlessness over drinking and using.

It was later when I was studying (doing) the moral inventory that the answer was revealed for me.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
In broader terms it meant that emotional, moral, or spiritual disturbances in any part of my "life" cause a disconnection from the Power that removes the obsession to drink.

The hyphen (-) means that my powerlessness over drinking and using is directly connected to my unmanageable life. It means that solving the problem of the unmanageable life is the critical to solving the problem of addiction.

I think that conversely it may also compare my unmanageable "life" back to my addiction therefore the hyphen also means "and". That like my powerlessness over the substances, that I lack power to manage my disordered motives, feelings, values, decisions, and conduct (my life). Perhaps that's why step 2 states that we will be restored to "sanity" not just "sobriety" and Step 7 asks God to remove our defects of character.

Thanks be to God for managing my life and keeping me clean and sober today.

Insanity

"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."

This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I finally became willing to work the 12 Steps I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this type of insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Spiritual Fitness

Last night at our meeting the topic was the paragraph about step 7 and the beginning of step 8 finishing with the following sentence.

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

I thought of the common thread of spiritual fitness which is referred to in the 10th step.

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

I thought about the parallel with physical fitness. Like physical fitness, spiritual fitness is something that must be developed and maintained to be of maximum effectiveness.

I recently experienced an example of this when I had to help with m son's little league. I thought myself to be physically fit because I am not overweight and I don't have any acute physical ailments. But when it came to actually doing a lot of running, and catching, and throwing in the warm summer, I was quickly sucking wind, inflexible, uncoordinated, and too weak to endure.

While I believed and understood all about fitness, and looked good. I wasn't actually in condition to do even minor exertion. In order to truly be in fit physical condition I need to run, work out, and follow a nutritional program.

The same applies to my spiritual condition. In m first attempts at sobriety I did varying degrees of half measures. Sometimes I did the work and got into fit spiritual condition but then didn't keep it up. I believed in spiritual concepts and principles but I had no power to apply them. When I hit trials and low spots I relapsed.

In order to access the power that restores me to sanity I must do my spiritual strength building in prayer and meditation. In order to access the power that gives me joy in life I must do my spiritual endurance and flexibility training in service and sacrifice.

Empty On The Inside

This evening I got to go to the Book Study meeting. We read the personal story "Empty on the Inside". I related to the author where she spoke of being a neglectful parent. I experience that same sense of vacancy when I didn't have enough love to give to my child. I remember feeling like I was sucking the life out of him rather than nurturing him with the love that he needed in such a critical and vulnerable time in his development. I remember being hung over and feeling empty, remorseful, and hopeless. and then holding him tight and getting the only sense of meaning present in my life.

I also related to the author when she spoke of feeling like everyone else had been handed the instructions in life except her. I felt like this even though I did have a good set of life skills. I was good at my jobs, good at academics, good at getting along with people, good at arts, good at sports, good at health and hygiene, a good citizen, etc., etc. But I still felt like everyone else had the instructions to life and I missed it. I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't keep intimate relationships, I couldn't find meaning in life, I couldn't live up to my potential, I couldn't stop getting high. It was like the life skills wheel I saw at the middle school, there was an empty hole in the middle where God should be.

The Big Book taught me the model of correction of my inner self and how to connect to God at the center. Thus my life skills have become better formed and truly useful. I now have meaning and purpose and love in my life and I can be useful to other people. I am blessed with children that I do not neglect and I no longer feel empty on the inside.

I AM A MIRACLE

The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

AT 7:00 this morning I opened my garage door and looked out at the street in front of my house and it looked like a war zone. There were piles of fireworks remnants and cannon shells all over the place from the party last night. I thought to myself that there were probably many people who would wake up today and feel like that street looked.

I thought about what a miracle it is that I don't have to feel like a war zone in my head today. I thought about what a miracle it is that I didn't have to drink last night or any night for the past year and a few before that.

I thought about the first New Year's party that I drank. I had a flashback to it the other night. I was sitting with the baby and the kids were watching Charlie Brown New Year. I suddenly remembered that I had identified with him leading up to that New Year's party in 1974. I too was anticipating the worry that I would make a fool out of myself, that I wouldn't be able to talk to the girls, that I wouldn't be able to dance, and that I would be perceived as boring and uncool. I went to the party with a Charlie Brown conception of myself and it was just like that until IT happened. My friend snuck me my first full glass of alcohol, it was champagne.

Something inconceivable happened to me when I drank that glass. Suddenly the world shifted. Suddenly the party no longer felt like the Charlie Brown New Year, it felt like Saturday Night Fever and I felt like Tony Manero! Suddenly I was bold and bullet proof and could talk to the ladies and dance like i was on Soul Train. Suddenly I felt like everybody respected me and I was on fire!

That night didn't end well. We were only allowed a few drinks but I started craving more liquor and started sneaking it. I drank too much and got caught, I got so loaded that I tried to hit on my friend's mom. I burned my hair and I was crawling on the floor crying. When they drove me home I fell out of the car in front of my parents house, and puked my guts. My parents got into a huge argument with the parent who had the party.

The next day my head and body felt like a war zone. Nothing even close to that bad had ever happened to me in my life. I remembered all of the bad stuff that had happened and none of the good stuff. I swore I would never drink again.

A few days or weeks later my friend reminisced with me about the good parts of the party. Suddenly the memory of how good drinking felt to me came rushing back. I actually remembered what the euphoric feeling felt like not just the confidence that it gave me. I could remember what was so bad about it that I swore it off. My friend and I went out and got loaded again. Thus began a pattern that would dog me for the next 25 years.

Normal people don't react like that to alcohol. Alcohol doesn't change the world for most people. Most people don't crave more so much that they can't stop. Normal people don't have the sort of problems with control that I had.

Most people don't have the sorts of problems with the consequences of drinking that I had. Most people eventually stop and don't start again when these things happen. I never couldn't remember what was so bad that I had to swear it off. I always drank again.

I had many unhappy New Years after that. The holiday came to be a time that I would dread. I remember not making it to midnight a lot of years. I remember disappearing on a binge a lot on New Years. I remember a lot of crying and pain and heartache. It always felt like a war zone.

It's a miracle that people who drank like me can get sober.
It's a miracle that people whose lives got screwed up so bad can get such good lives back.
It's a miracle that people whose minds suffered such damage can find joy again.

I tried for years to get sober through will power and self control. I achieved improvement and success in many areas of my life but could never get control over my drinking. It took a miracle for that to happen.

Thanks be to God for that miracle!

I Was Good at Quitting

Today at the noon meeting we read from Bill's story. I related to his experience in the years of his alcoholism. Like him I had many signs of my addiction but I could not admit I was an alcoholic. I had many wake up calls and bottoms when I would resolve to control my addiction. I found myself quitting drinking many times.

There were many events that prompted me to get sober: anger from my loved ones, extreme binges, lost relationships, lost interests, sordid behavior, lost reputation, lost health, physical damage, lost self worth, financial problems, lost jobs, lost possessions, and lost freedom.

Each of these worked for a time or two but would all fail when the thought of the feeling of the next drunk or high would obscure the memory of the pain.

There were many ways in which I managed to get clean: changing substances, changing addresses, changing jobs, changing friends, changing lovers, changing lifestyle, changing politics, changing music, and changing habits.

Each one of these would work for a while but I always had a problem with the idea that I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking like a normal person again.

There were many control mechanisms that I began to resort to when all else failed: moving back home, letting someone manage my finances, getting probation, going to jail, and finally rehabs and AA.

Each of these worked for a time but eventually I drank and got high on probation, I drank and got high in jail, and I drank and got high after rehab.

When I drank and got high in AA I finally had a last gasp wake up call.

I knew that I could no longer rely on any form of material or external method to control my addiction. I knew that I would need the most extreme method of control. I would need a complete psychological re-formation. I would need to have a revolutionary psychic change.

I did something radically different, I surrendered to the idea of a spiritual solution.

I worked the steps without ceasing,
I allowed the process to change my thinking,
I completely gave myself to this simple program.

We Admitted - Another Look

We - me, you(alcoholic's/addict's), and God

Admitted - At the beginning of step one, your (alcoholic's/addict's) stories and God's grace helped me surrender my denial and accept the truth that I identified with you, I became willing to at least consider that I might be one too - Surrender, Acceptance, and Willingness (SAW). At the end of step one, your description of the disease helped me to become Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing (HOW) to admit the truth about myself and consider the solution.

I SAW-HOW from you and with God's grace, I received the key to admittance, humility.