It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 88)


I once had the misfortune of experiencing the consequences of resting on my "laurels." It was the first time I worked the twelve steps. I was impelled into a recovery community where I had a spiritual experience and a psychic change. I got a sponsor, took my inventory, confessed my secrets, made amends, prayed daily and carried the message. In short, I worked the twelve steps thoroughly.

For a time I continued the daily practices. But, once I began to reap the fruits of recovery, a restored marriage, career, family, hobbies, and all sorts of other personal affairs. My spiritual activities began to drop off. The result was that one day I woke up alone in a hotel amid a relapse. I banged my fist on my head and wondered "how did this happen?"

It took me a few tries again to work the program have it stick. Each time I wondered "where did I fail?" "Did I not really mean it last time?" "Was that not really a 'vital spiritual experience'?" "Am I just never going to get it?"

I noticed (acrimoniously sometimes) that others did not have nearly as much understanding, belief, or devotion to the twelve step process as I felt that I did. Some did not practice the steps as thoroughly nor know as much about them as I did. In fact, I felt like I was one of "the winners" subgroup. But, why was it that some of them stayed sober and I didn't.

I also noticed that some people did some things more thoroughly, for longer, than I did. Some people continued to write inventory daily. Some devoted more focused time in meditation. Some went to more meetings than I was willing to go to (especially further along into their recovery). But none of what they did was not in the book, they just followed it more precisely, for longer, than I did.

Long story short, I eventually found the willingness to keep sobriety a priority past the six month mark and beyond. I made it past the hump and it stuck. The answer for me was to keep up my spiritual program of action, even after I experienced a recovered life and busier affairs.

I like to draw a parallel to physical fitness. I know how to eat right, work out, and keep fit. I believe in physical fitness, and I could preach it well. But, I don't actually practice a fitness program. Fortunately for me I have a high metabolism and am thin so I appear fit. I know some folks who are heavier that me but work out every day. If they had to run 3 miles to save their life, they could. But I might not make it.

Thus it is with spiritual fitness. Other people might not have to work at it. They might just have to commit to moral good and be able to pull it off. I on the other hand have experienced spiritual malady and recurrence after recovery. I must practice a spiritual program of action to keep spiritually fit.

The bonus is that I get a life that is better than good.

Why do I need to pray for willingness? I thought it was odd that people talked so much about willingness and even more so that some would pray for it. To me it seemed a simple act that was already undertaken. But once I followed the seemingly irrelevant act of praying the "willingness prayer" for 7 days in row. I only complied because I was absolutely desperate. The crazy thing was that it worked. After 3 days or so, I had a complete change of attitude. My problem lost it's relevance and I gained a sense of motivation to engage in recovery.

But still the concept was an enigma for me. Later it came up again when I was trying to take step 2 of the 12 steps. It wasn't so much that I couldn't intellectualize that belief in a Higher Power could restore me to sanity, but more that i couldn't become willing to believe that It/(He?) would. So before moving to step 3, I gave up my exertion to find it and just prayed to Him for willingness. Long story short, it worked! I woke up and had a period of spiritual ecstasy (delirum?) in which all my objections shifted to connections.

Later again, when I completed my inventory, I found character defects that I knew were problematic but I didn't want to let go. I got honest with my sponsor in step 5 and told him so. He guided me to the part of step 6 that suggests that if we are not entirely ready to let them go then we should pray for willingness. I realized then that willingness was not a simple act. Or at least, not just a simple act.Willingness was an attitude as well.  I had only ever thought of the act superficially. The attitude encompassed a few dimensions that are important to the process of recovery such as favorable disposition, inclination, by choice, without reluctance, and by the will.

Tonight at a meeting we read about willingness related to step 3 from the Twelve and Twelve. That willingness is the key to the door to commitment. I thought of the idea of the balance sheet. The balance of willingness to unwillingness.

Today someone spoke to me about the need for commitment strategies. Hmm, perhaps a good strategy would be to examine the motivational balance sheet.

A Bold Proposition

"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. "  Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 101

The first time I read this statement it stopped me dead in my tracks.  I thought that I had read it wrong and had to reread it.  Perhaps I was having trouble understanding the wording, surely it meant the opposite.  What I had read so far had little specific advice for practices to avoid drinking.  There was no step that said "Avoid slippery people and slippery places." I had predicted it would come in this chapter ("Working with Others"), or possibly in "To Wives." 

Then it struck me what a bold statement this was!  Especially so in light of the circumstances at the time the text was drafted.  At that time there were 100 members, none of which had more than 3-5 years of sobriety.  They were trying to get this fledgling organization off the ground and build credibility.  The safe thing to do would have been to either make a cautious minimal statement about safe places and people, or to avoid the subject altogether.  But instead they chose to stick to their conviction that recovery was primarily dependent upon a psychic change.

I remember thinking that the founders either took a reckless gamble, had a naive belief, or experienced a truly convincing miracle.  At this point it resonated so deeply with me that I became convinced myself.  At the time I was struggling with step 2 and this was a critical building block of my belief.  I knew to my core that they were right, no matter where I went I would find an Eskimo with some booze and an eight ball.  The only shield that would work would be a psychic one.  

This proved itself out for me in the days, months and years following the step work and spiritual awakening.  I moved back into my home and realized it was the most slippery place of all, especially my bathroom on a Friday night.  I remembered the family and business events that I went to where drinking took place.  Drinking friends and drug dealers attended and invariably tempted and propositioned me, but I had spiritual tools and resilience to protect me from a slip.

For me the best practices for slippery situations have been preventative ones.  True that taking a friend, using the phone, having an exit strategy are all essentials, but they are useless if I am not spiritually fit.  The best actions are daily prayer, meditation, continued inventory, regular fellowship, and working with others.  In short steps 10, 11, and 12, the spiritual fitness tools.

The text does give some advice and qualifications for going to places where there is drinking, I thought it best to list them:

• "if we have a legitimate reason for being there."
• "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?"
• "be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good."
• "if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!"

The only other measure that I use as an addict is that I do not need to be anywhere that illegal activities are occurring, period.  The moment that anything illegal occurs I no longer have a legitimate reason to be there. 
 These principals help me to make the decisions without having to rely on my feelings.  I must remember that I can't trust my feelings in these matters.  

Such Unfortunates

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates....  There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.  Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 64.

It was a hot, oppressive Texas evening as I sat in my chair at the 12 step meeting where I started this term in sobriety.  The windows seemed to loom over me and scoff at the validity of my willingness.  I couldn't blame anyone if they chose not to sit with me, but instead to "stick with the winners."  I almost wanted to give up and check out, but I stayed for my son whom I so desperately wanted to be there for.

As the meeting got under way my mind bounced back and forth like a pinball from question to question, why couldn't I get it?  What happened to me?  How could I have failed again?  I had finally been willing to take the 12 steps.  I had had a spiritual experience.  I had recovered.  I had been one of the winners, yet I relapsed.

This was not so bad, as many first timers have a slip, but I then went through a year of repeated attempts, and repeated failures, six in all.  Perhaps I was one of those "unfortunates" who was destined to go through the revolving door until the bitter end.

Then the standard reading started "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path... There are such unfortunates."  I thought "Wait a second, this reading is about psychopaths or sociopaths, men without conscience, who were constitutionally incapable of being honest."  Could I be a sociopath?  Then the reader got to the part stating "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders..." Suddenly I realized, possibly for the first time, that this was a point of distinction from those "unfortunates."  They could not be describing the psychopath because that certainly qualified as a grave mental disorder.

I wondered then who they were describing.  What type of disordered person was incapable of being honest? Was this just a construct of self-righteous, religious morality as the emphasis on honesty always seemed to infer to me?  Then I re-read the passage and realized that it said that they were "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."  It dawned on me that this sounded a lot like denial.  But, if this were the case then wouldn't that be all alcoholics and addicts?  If so, what distinguishes them from those who do recover?

The answer was right there in the reading, "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program,"  But I had done this, I had given myself.  I looked around the room and thought about how I had become more knowledgeable about the steps and been more thorough than 50% of the room.  Yet why had they stayed sober and not me?  Just as I thought about this, the reader was reading steps 10, 11, and 12.  I thought about how I had resisted being thorough about writing an evening review, about how I didn't have time to pray or meditate until I got in the car to go to work, about going to meetings for what I could get, not to try and carry the message, about not following my sponsor's advice to do a regular H&I because I did not think I was as bad an addict as him.

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."  "That's it" I thought, I have been measuring my thoroughness by what I think the other people in the rooms do, not by the path of the founders.  Being thorough probably means following the specific directions as written.

Thus my willingness was passed on to me from those that had also been constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  I had a new experience with the first step of step one, "We admitted."

That was six years ago as I write this.   I have received the willingness to go to any lengths ever since then.  Tonight when this was presented as the topic of the same group,  I was thinking back through my life to try to carry this message. I remembered this experience and realized it was the anniversary. I was amazed at how God carried the message to me, just as I was trying to carry the message to them, and my faith was renewed once again.

Thanks be to God.

The Actor

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous."    ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 61

     I originally thought that simply doing God's will and taking a personal inventory were not the real path to sobriety for me because I was a person of good morality, good will, and good conduct, except for my drinking and using.

   I was just an actor then.  My morality was a superficial act put on so that I could get along and get what I wanted.  I had some realization of conformity but I didn't truly know the nature of the workings of the psyche and I was limited by my self-centered perspective.  

     When I took the inventory I found that there is a deeper level at which my morality and conduct operated in which my discontent (that led to my drinking) was formed.  I didn't realize that people could be so good on the outside but be so bad on the inside.  But I realized that I did know this all along!?  Yet I lived in this delusion!  I learned how I truly needed the power of commitment to God and the perspective of others to break the distorted perception of my self-centeredness.

     Today I have to ask myself, "Am I still the actor who wants to run the whole show?"  Am I truly willing to let God run the show, or am I trying to wrest satisfaction and happiness from this world by managing well?  I can still fall into the trap of becoming the actor in sobriety.

  Am I living in spiritual make-believe where I tell myself that I am spiritually virtuous and self-sacrificing but life doesn't treat me well?  Am I trying to manage too many things or accomplish too much in the time I have under the justification that they are morally righteous?  Am I discontent over my unrealized ambitions?
Am I setting expectations for the moral and spiritual conduct of others?  Do I have a simmering discontent over the circumstances in my life?  Do I live in a delusion?


     God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Who are We?

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution.   Alcoholics Anonymous Pg. 17

From the time I first began attending 12 step meetings I noticed what seemed to be two sets of voices.  There were those who talked explicitly about their past and their problems, but vaguely about the solution.  Then there were those who spoke in general terms about the past, but precisely about their nature and how to recover.  I saw the merits of both, but those who talked too much about the program of action seemed rigid and shrill to me, even though they made sense and seemed more forthright.

Being that I was rationally undisciplined, and identified more with drugalogues and issues, I gravitated toward the easier way.  The bunch that did not say things that pressured me with any difficult ideas were much more attractive to me.  This path was broader and less demanding.   But, I could not find the stable and lasting sobriety that I needed.

The identification, friendship, and support that I receive from the fellowship is great catalyst for beginning recovery, it is indispensable, but it has a shelf life. I will eventually run dry unless I take action to get connected to a Higher Power.  I am grateful for those who stood by the principles of the program and were not dissuaded by the desire to please everyone.  I was able to remember their perspective when I needed to consider what I should do different.

I had to come back to the 12 step fellowships several times before realizing lasting sobriety.  I found the willingness to commit myself to the spiritual solution and to practice it.  When I orient myself to the part the sober network that guides me to do the work, I establish and maintain an unlimited connection to that Power which is God.

This being said, I have found that if all I talk about is the work, then I don't make that connection to the addict who is still suffering.  It is very easy for me to get on a spiritual mountain top and think that identification is not important.  I have to make a conscious and deliberate effort to balance my attitude to include both elements of the cement that binds us.

Today I am bound to my fellows by what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.

Step 4

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 64

I often took stock of things when I would try and get sober.  I would look at my finances, my physical fitness, my housekeeping, the upkeep of my vehicles, etc.  But I could never bring myself to take a thorough look at my ideas and beliefs. The thought of taking moral inventory was highly objectionable to me.  After taking step 2 I began realizing that my I had undue revulsion for this and I began to question it. I realized that my distorted sense of morality was defending itself from inquiry.  This is where my addiction lived.  It was afraid to have the light of truth shine in and reveal it for what it was. I was afraid.  

The fourth step is the key to unlock the door of denial and to allow me to move out of self-centeredness.

5 Steps to Conflict Resolution

1. Self Control and Self Searching - I can't be objective or rational if I can't control my emotions. Step away and calm down.  Search out the source of my misdirected instinct.
2. Own my motives and actions - Ask myself: What have I done to contribute to this situation? Are any of my needs or actions based on misdirected instinct instead of rational thinking?  Think of what I can control, my feelings and actions.  Let go of what I can't control, the other person's feelings or actions.
3. Be Contrite (or Willing) - Surrender my willfulness and ask God for forgiveness, strength, and healing.  Base my sense of resolution on our well being not on the circumstances or outcome. Change my attitude to embrace recovery over revenge.  Consider that the resentment and broken relationship may be more harmful than the circumstances of the wrong (or perceived wrong).  If I struggle with this, at least consider that contrition is the best policy be willing to let God change me.
4. Empathize - Forgive the other person, put myself in their shoes.  Allow the other person to own their own feelings, or be wrong. Trust that they will change on their own time frame. Be willing to admit and fully accept the wrongs that I commit.
5. Restitution - Make amends.  Admit my own faults and apologize to them verbally as soon as possible. Make restitution as soon as possible if needed. Remember action speaks louder than words!

The Lord's Prayer for Addicts

This morning this prayer came to mind.  I don't mean to suggest a different Lord's prayer and I never use different wording when I say the Lord's prayer but thinking about the meaning of each statement led me to think about this.

Our Father who art in Heaven,

Awesome be thy name,

Thy sanity come,

Thy will be done,

In reality, as it is in spirit,

Give us this day our daily strength,

and, forgive us our shortcomings,

as we forgive those who offend us,

Lead us, not into temptation,

but deliver us from our addiction,

For Thine is the power, peace, happiness,

and sense of direction,

Amen

Step 1 Reflections 2010

We Admitted - When I came into AA I thought that I had already done step one.  After all I was here wasn't I?   I found companionship and support to "put the plug in the jug" from the people in the rooms.  I thought that it was just a matter of staying willing.

In time however, I lost this willingness.   Once things got better and the tangible effect of the consequences wore off, I drank again. 

I realized that this had been my cycle for all of my drinking life, I would become very willing at the end of a year of binges and would sober up for a while and then I would invariably start the cycle over again, sometimes unwittingly.

But something else happened for me in the rooms that went with me into my drinking life.  I became acutely aware of the extreme contradiction of my behavior.  I began to experience a dissonance that left me more deeply disturbed every time I drank. 

Eventually I returned to AA to try again knowing that I needed to capitalize on my willingness before it faded.   The message about the insane duality of the alcoholic (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) resonated with me.   This got me to focus on step one.   In reading in the book and  listening to sharing about step one I learned about the disease concept and the grave nature of powerlessness.   This was something that I had never known about before even though I had lived it forever.  

I believe that the "taking" of step one is in the real admission, the acceptance of the truth of the nature of alcoholism, not in the experience of drinking and misery.  I knew to some extent that I had a problem and that I needed to stop for years.  I even called myself an alcoholic sometimes, but I did not truly understand what that meant and it's full implication until I came to AA.

I found a new willingness and motivation to stay and do the work.  The mystery began to unravel from there and I began to receive the keys to build a foundation of recovery.

Thanks be to God and to AA for the truth that allows me to find freedom.

Step 12 Reflections 2009

Having had  a Spiritual Awakening - When I first considered the Twelve Steps I immediately scanned down to the twelfth step for the payoff. I expected to find that I would get control of my drinking, and gain material success and prosperity as a result of working these steps. I was sorely disappointed to find that I would have a “spiritual awakening”. I thought this was pie in the sky stuff and didn’t understand what that had to do with getting sober. I didn’t bother to take the steps.

I tried to stay sober by “putting the plug in the jug”, going to lots of meetings, changing playmates and playpens, and taking psychotherapy. This was “my” program. I never did work and I could not stay sober.

As a Result of these Steps - When I hit a lower bottom I got more desperate to get sober and stay sober and I became willing go to any lengths. I was shown that the twelve steps were the program of recovery, no steps; no program, no program; no recovery (for me, for my type).

When I took the steps I was shown that my life was unmanageable and that this was why I could not stay sober. I learned that this was the result of a spiritual sickness. I read in the Big Book that when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

    When I took all twelve steps I received much more than I expected. I received power, peace, happiness, and a sense of direction. I received an understanding that these things were the real meaning, the real source of fulfillment in life.

    The Spiritual Awakening is ineffable, it can’t be explained, it can only be experienced, but it is a greater treasure than any material prosperity that I could imagine.

We Tried to carry this message - became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help.  The step doesn't ask me to  help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober.   What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him.  With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems.  I first have to teach him to put first things first.   That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

And Practice these Principles - Walk the walk not just talk the talk. Part of what sold me was the idea of constructive action.  This is what was different than religion as I had previously conceived it.  It was a process of constructive action and belief.  Still once I had gone through the work and some time went by I fell into faith without works and relapsed.  When I reconstructed what went wrong I found that it was a matter of truly internalizing this consept, faith without works is dead.

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. Alcoholics Anonymous, p.19


In All of our Affairs -    For me the “all of my affairs” part of step 12 is about putting these principles (such as love, tolerance, and forgiveness) into practice in my daily life .

    There have been times when I studied, believed in, and could tell you all about these principles but I didn’t actually put much effort into practicing them. The result was a stressful, antagonistic, unmanageable life – and sometimes relapse. I found that it’s not enough for me to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.

    Also, it is easy for me to talk about these things in meetings and practice them with my AA friends but the hard part is to practice these ideas outside of the rooms where others may not reciprocate. If I do not practice them in ALL of my affairs then I am only doing half measures and the result is nil. I can not compartmentalize my spiritual life or I become my own god.

    This program is no different than some forms of secular morality except for the higher power part (and it’s primary purpose). But I have never been able to fully realize these convictions based on the scope of my own reasoning ability. There were always some situations, people, causes, or institutions that I could not tolerate or forgive based on the values of my limited vision (my justice). It was only when I chose to live by the directives of a Higher Power that I was able to realize the fullness of fellowship with others and the power to overcome my obsession.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

When I was in treatment for addiction there were three individuals in there that intrigued me, a counselor, a cop, and a preacher.  At the time I was struggling to find faith and the spiritual life.  I questioned the validity of recovery if here were three men who were experts in psychology, morality, and spirituality that ended up in treatment. 

I asked the counselor why he couldn't stay sober if hew was an expert in recovery programs.  He told me that he believed in recovery and the spiritual life but he did not have a spiritual life of his own.  He could teach everyone else how to get sober but he could not stay sober himself.

I asked the cop why he was in trouble if he was a law keeper.  He said that he always believed in God and his law.  That's why he was a cop, to make sure everyone else followed the law.  But, he did not have his own spiritual life and as a consequence he himself could not follow the law.

I asked the preacher why he could not stay sober if he had faith.  He said that believed wholeheartedly in God and the spiritual life.   He could teach everyone else about theology and the spiritual life and administer this for them. But, he had lost his own spiritual life and he could not live rightly himself.

These guys taught me a simple lesson, "faith without works is dead".

This explained to me why so many people of faith were hypocrites, not because faith doesn't work but, because people don't do the work to get or keep their faith.  It all made sense to me then and I had a feeling deep within that I could now find faith.

I had to learn this lesson for myself later down the road when I found recovery and had some time and lost it.  I looked back at my program and saw that I had been thorough.  I had several relapses and saw that each time the conditions prior to relapse were different except for one common thread.  I had quit doing the spiritual work consistently and my faith had died.

Today I try and keep the spiritual life first above all things.

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
For just as a body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.
James 2:26

Step 11 Reflection 2009

Prayer and meditation is essential to the cultivation of recovery and wellness.  It is daily process of behavioral planning, programming, and the spiritual life.  This is a life skill that is indispensable and rewarding.  It is a practice that can result in a high functioning life.

Building the practice - In the beginning I often did not feel anything out it, understand it, get anything, or do it very well.  But, I was beginning and building the practice and got a sense of constructive effort and felt a sense of growth by looking at the cumulative effort. 

Building a better self - When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living.  Prayer and meditation is the process of amending the character.   It is the process of building effective thinking, emotional control, and good behaviors.  This deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a high functioning life that is greater than good.


Building a connection to God - When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness.  I build a spiritual life and place this in the correct priority as the most important action in the process of wellness cultivation.  This comes through improved conscious contact with God.  This is the process of divine filiation.  It is what we are designed for.

Building strength of faith - I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith.  I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious. I thought of how this is a way one would actualize the Placebo Effect.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you." 

Philippians 4:6-9

A Sense of Direction

The emphasis of my 12 Step work must be upon God and His will.  I must be careful that I do not lean too heavily on my own efforts or on the 12 Step fellowship.  Here is a visual to describe this.

I had often heard the 5 things to do to stay sober (particularly when exiting a treatment center).  They are usually some variation of these.

1. Go to Meetings 
2. Get a Sponsor 
3. Read the Big Book
4. Pray and Meditate (or Work The Steps)
5. Do Service Work (or Help Others)
   

The pyramid illustrates how much power I get from them.  The largest part of the pyramid is the base, in service and the steps.  The smallest parts of the pyramid are meetings and sponsor. 

The power I get through doing the work is most effective if I am doing it in the spirit of service to God and others.  This is where most of my efforts should be.  At the beginning I was upside down in that most of my time was spent in meetings and with my sponsor and the Big Book.  Later I often got this upside down in continuing to place my dependence mostly upon making meetings and asking my sponsor to solve my problems.  To keep my experience alive and healthy (vital), I must be of maximum service to God and my fellows so I  must get the pyramid right side up.

A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
There is a Solution, page 28

The "Vital" Spiritual Experience

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. Into Action, page 88

The spiritual experience must be kept “vital” in the sense of alive in order to stay connected and to grow. Steps 10, 11, 12 keep me connected to God’s power.

A. We usually think of the steps like they are listed on the wall 1-12 in linear fashion. We think of them as a process we finished when we worked them with a sponsor. We studied them, we did the writing, we had the Spiritual Experience.

B. However, when we do step 12 it takes us back to step 1 working with another alcoholic.

C. Continuing to do step 12 makes the steps circular.

D. Doing 10 11 and 12 are like a small circle in the big circle. Each of the growth steps reconnects us with all of our steps. We have an experience with the steps again. We keep the experience alive. We continue to work them.

A Hundred Forms of Self

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".

This morning I finally felt well enough to go to a meeting after a week with the flu. I knew I needed to go because it had not been to a meeting in a week but, I found myself struggling against the idea.  that I had a hundred other things that seemed to be more important. I thought about how all these things were critical to life maintenance and I was way behind on them because I had been sick.  but then I remembered that meetings were of primary importance, but why? The thought crossed my mind that drinking or using was the farthest thing from my mind so I am not in any danger right?.

At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration.  I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later.  I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.

I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted.   I wondered why this was.   I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?

The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem.  They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power.  I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days.  I had spent too much time with me!

This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps.  I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude.   I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences.  Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem.   I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.

Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete.  When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea.  The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".  I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed.  It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions.  I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance.  But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.


My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective.   This is what was causing my impairment of vision.   I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive.  So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them. 

I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem.  Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness.  Nevertheless the solution always lies with me.   I must take the action required to be rid of self.  And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.

Faith Means Courage

Recently I've been in several Twelve Step meetings that have been about surrender, fear, and fear of surrender. Coincidentally, I've been working with someone on a moral inventory and reviewing fear.

Typically the question comes up: "How do I learn to surrender when all my life I have been taught that I have to fight at all costs to survive (or succeed)?".

This was exactly how I felt when I was trying to learn to live by these new principles. I grew up with a lot of ideas about fierce self-reliance like "You have to fight for your right", "Never surrender", "never give up", "never say die", "never say never again", "keep your mouth shut", and "Never apologize it's a sign of weakness". I was taught this is what it means to be a man.

I thought about the reading in the AA Big Book on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage.

"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I thought about how it also states that we "never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator". I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked by the idea of courage to talk about faith rather than courage to live by faith. It seems to me that the context before and after is all about living by faith. Perhaps he meant to say something like:

"We never fear the way of depending upon our creator. We must set aside our old idea that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never let doubt deter us from depending upon God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I don't mean to suggest that the Big Book needs to be re-written. I'm just trying to distill out what the book says to me about faith as the way of strength.

It has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside self reliance and depend upon God. In fact it sometimes seems like a real fight. What happened to me is that initially I had to surrender the fight to have things my way. But then, I had to learn to fight my will and the ways of the world to do God's will. It really didn't feel like a surrender for long before it started to feel like a new fight.

But now I am no longer fighting alone for a futile cause. Now I am fighting the good fight with a Leader and a team as my strength. When I completely give myself to Him, pray for him to remove my fear, follow his word, work with others, join in communion with the church, the saints and the angels, I am galvanized and achieve that which I have never been able to accomplish on my own.

Thanks be to God!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."
-Matthew 19:26

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Rigorous Honesty

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

I thought about how I originally gave this a cursory reading thinking that it referred to pathological types with other more severe psychological disorders than alcoholism or addiction. I thought that those unfortunates were those who were lifelong criminals, or psychopaths, or social degenerates.

I also read this with a pre-conception of the term dishonest as referring to willful or or consentual lying. I also thought of dishonesty strictly in relation to interpersonal conduct.

But then one day I read it differently. This happened when I was coming back from relapse and was especially desperate, baffled, and despondent. I realized that it said that they were incapable of being honest with themselves. This started me thinking that this was referring to internal dishonesty. I realized that this could refer to the dynamic of denial and delusion. I realized that my conception may be preventing me from understanding this reading. I realized that in this context it could refer to me.

I thought that perhaps there might be an answer for me here. I realized that the description of those that failed could apply to all of us except for the part about thoroughly following the path. That I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself sounded like it referred to the idea that "of myself" I was not able to defeat my denial. That would apply to all addict/alcoholics except for those that thoroughly followed our path and gave themselves completely to this simple program.

I considered that perhaps I had not given myself completely to the program and/or thoroughly followed their path. But I thought to myself that I had given myself completely to my program and that I had thoroughly followed the path of everyone else in the fellowship, in some cases more thoroughly than some people who stayed sober.

Then it dawned on me that where it said "our" it referred to the people who wrote the book not the people in the current fellowship (except for those that followed the book). Then it dawned on me that I had been unwilling to thoroughly follow the precise instructions (the path) as outlined in the book. I had also been unwilling to give myself completely to this simple program, preferring to rely more on the fellowship rather than the program.

I also saw that the paragraph ended by saying that they are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of LIVING which demanded rigorous honesty. Could this refer to the same type of denial about my other hang ups in life? Just being back from relapse and seeing some truth about myself I had to say yes! By not admitting the truth about my disordered instincts, emotions, desires, values, and judgments I had not completely given myself to this simple program.

I decided to follow their path thoroughly for 24 hours. I would commit to a rigorously honest self appraisal, I would make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, I would get a sponsor today, I would write some inventory that night, I would pray and meditate in the morning, I would try to carry this message in a meeting today, and I would practice these principals in all my affairs not just talk about them.

Therein was the key to my sobriety and it is still so today.

Thanks be to God.

The Hyphen

Tonight I went to a meeting and the topic was "Patience". I remembered that when I first came to 12 Step fellowships for my addiction I didn't have much patience for topics like patience. I remembered that my thoughts were so overwhelmed by my addiction that I just couldn't see what these types of topics had to do with it.

I realized that this was one of my main objections to the whole 12 Step program in general; the idea that I needed to address my moral conduct. All I could think about was the conflict of pain, fear, and obsession that I had. I had problems like welts on my arms, triggers, fear of losing my job, house, and family, and a mind that couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to use. I thought it was these things that the recovery program needed to be about, not my moral conduct.

When I finally took the steps I found the answer in the hyphen in Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".

In the second part of the step it says that our "lives" and not our "drinking or using" had become unmanageable. I often heard that this referred to the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. But, to me that would mean that my using and drinking had become unmanageable not my "life". Then I noticed that the program from step 3 on addresses my conduct in my "life" not my drinking and using. This seems to validate that it truly does refer to my "life".

So then I wondered why there was a hyphen (-) there and not the word "and". If it refers to my "life" then shouldn't it say "and" our lives had become unmanageable? I thought that the hyphen seemed to connect my unmanageable life back to my powerlessness which would validate the notion that my "life" being unmanageable referred to my powerlessness over drinking and using.

It was later when I was studying (doing) the moral inventory that the answer was revealed for me.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
In broader terms it meant that emotional, moral, or spiritual disturbances in any part of my "life" cause a disconnection from the Power that removes the obsession to drink.

The hyphen (-) means that my powerlessness over drinking and using is directly connected to my unmanageable life. It means that solving the problem of the unmanageable life is the critical to solving the problem of addiction.

I think that conversely it may also compare my unmanageable "life" back to my addiction therefore the hyphen also means "and". That like my powerlessness over the substances, that I lack power to manage my disordered motives, feelings, values, decisions, and conduct (my life). Perhaps that's why step 2 states that we will be restored to "sanity" not just "sobriety" and Step 7 asks God to remove our defects of character.

Thanks be to God for managing my life and keeping me clean and sober today.

Insanity

"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."

This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I finally became willing to work the 12 Steps I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this type of insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.