The "Vital" Spiritual Experience

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. Into Action, page 88

The spiritual experience must be kept “vital” in the sense of alive in order to stay connected and to grow. Steps 10, 11, 12 keep me connected to God’s power.

A. We usually think of the steps like they are listed on the wall 1-12 in linear fashion. We think of them as a process we finished when we worked them with a sponsor. We studied them, we did the writing, we had the Spiritual Experience.

B. However, when we do step 12 it takes us back to step 1 working with another alcoholic.

C. Continuing to do step 12 makes the steps circular.

D. Doing 10 11 and 12 are like a small circle in the big circle. Each of the growth steps reconnects us with all of our steps. We have an experience with the steps again. We keep the experience alive. We continue to work them.

A Hundred Forms of Self

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".

This morning I finally felt well enough to go to a meeting after a week with the flu. I knew I needed to go because it had not been to a meeting in a week but, I found myself struggling against the idea.  that I had a hundred other things that seemed to be more important. I thought about how all these things were critical to life maintenance and I was way behind on them because I had been sick.  but then I remembered that meetings were of primary importance, but why? The thought crossed my mind that drinking or using was the farthest thing from my mind so I am not in any danger right?.

At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration.  I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later.  I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.

I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted.   I wondered why this was.   I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?

The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem.  They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power.  I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days.  I had spent too much time with me!

This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps.  I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude.   I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences.  Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem.   I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.

Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete.  When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea.  The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".  I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed.  It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions.  I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance.  But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.


My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective.   This is what was causing my impairment of vision.   I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive.  So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them. 

I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem.  Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness.  Nevertheless the solution always lies with me.   I must take the action required to be rid of self.  And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.

Faith Means Courage

Recently I've been in several Twelve Step meetings that have been about surrender, fear, and fear of surrender. Coincidentally, I've been working with someone on a moral inventory and reviewing fear.

Typically the question comes up: "How do I learn to surrender when all my life I have been taught that I have to fight at all costs to survive (or succeed)?".

This was exactly how I felt when I was trying to learn to live by these new principles. I grew up with a lot of ideas about fierce self-reliance like "You have to fight for your right", "Never surrender", "never give up", "never say die", "never say never again", "keep your mouth shut", and "Never apologize it's a sign of weakness". I was taught this is what it means to be a man.

I thought about the reading in the AA Big Book on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage.

"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I thought about how it also states that we "never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator". I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked by the idea of courage to talk about faith rather than courage to live by faith. It seems to me that the context before and after is all about living by faith. Perhaps he meant to say something like:

"We never fear the way of depending upon our creator. We must set aside our old idea that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never let doubt deter us from depending upon God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I don't mean to suggest that the Big Book needs to be re-written. I'm just trying to distill out what the book says to me about faith as the way of strength.

It has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside self reliance and depend upon God. In fact it sometimes seems like a real fight. What happened to me is that initially I had to surrender the fight to have things my way. But then, I had to learn to fight my will and the ways of the world to do God's will. It really didn't feel like a surrender for long before it started to feel like a new fight.

But now I am no longer fighting alone for a futile cause. Now I am fighting the good fight with a Leader and a team as my strength. When I completely give myself to Him, pray for him to remove my fear, follow his word, work with others, join in communion with the church, the saints and the angels, I am galvanized and achieve that which I have never been able to accomplish on my own.

Thanks be to God!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."
-Matthew 19:26

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Rigorous Honesty

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

I thought about how I originally gave this a cursory reading thinking that it referred to pathological types with other more severe psychological disorders than alcoholism or addiction. I thought that those unfortunates were those who were lifelong criminals, or psychopaths, or social degenerates.

I also read this with a pre-conception of the term dishonest as referring to willful or or consentual lying. I also thought of dishonesty strictly in relation to interpersonal conduct.

But then one day I read it differently. This happened when I was coming back from relapse and was especially desperate, baffled, and despondent. I realized that it said that they were incapable of being honest with themselves. This started me thinking that this was referring to internal dishonesty. I realized that this could refer to the dynamic of denial and delusion. I realized that my conception may be preventing me from understanding this reading. I realized that in this context it could refer to me.

I thought that perhaps there might be an answer for me here. I realized that the description of those that failed could apply to all of us except for the part about thoroughly following the path. That I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself sounded like it referred to the idea that "of myself" I was not able to defeat my denial. That would apply to all addict/alcoholics except for those that thoroughly followed our path and gave themselves completely to this simple program.

I considered that perhaps I had not given myself completely to the program and/or thoroughly followed their path. But I thought to myself that I had given myself completely to my program and that I had thoroughly followed the path of everyone else in the fellowship, in some cases more thoroughly than some people who stayed sober.

Then it dawned on me that where it said "our" it referred to the people who wrote the book not the people in the current fellowship (except for those that followed the book). Then it dawned on me that I had been unwilling to thoroughly follow the precise instructions (the path) as outlined in the book. I had also been unwilling to give myself completely to this simple program, preferring to rely more on the fellowship rather than the program.

I also saw that the paragraph ended by saying that they are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of LIVING which demanded rigorous honesty. Could this refer to the same type of denial about my other hang ups in life? Just being back from relapse and seeing some truth about myself I had to say yes! By not admitting the truth about my disordered instincts, emotions, desires, values, and judgments I had not completely given myself to this simple program.

I decided to follow their path thoroughly for 24 hours. I would commit to a rigorously honest self appraisal, I would make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, I would get a sponsor today, I would write some inventory that night, I would pray and meditate in the morning, I would try to carry this message in a meeting today, and I would practice these principals in all my affairs not just talk about them.

Therein was the key to my sobriety and it is still so today.

Thanks be to God.

The Hyphen

Tonight I went to a meeting and the topic was "Patience". I remembered that when I first came to 12 Step fellowships for my addiction I didn't have much patience for topics like patience. I remembered that my thoughts were so overwhelmed by my addiction that I just couldn't see what these types of topics had to do with it.

I realized that this was one of my main objections to the whole 12 Step program in general; the idea that I needed to address my moral conduct. All I could think about was the conflict of pain, fear, and obsession that I had. I had problems like welts on my arms, triggers, fear of losing my job, house, and family, and a mind that couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to use. I thought it was these things that the recovery program needed to be about, not my moral conduct.

When I finally took the steps I found the answer in the hyphen in Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".

In the second part of the step it says that our "lives" and not our "drinking or using" had become unmanageable. I often heard that this referred to the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. But, to me that would mean that my using and drinking had become unmanageable not my "life". Then I noticed that the program from step 3 on addresses my conduct in my "life" not my drinking and using. This seems to validate that it truly does refer to my "life".

So then I wondered why there was a hyphen (-) there and not the word "and". If it refers to my "life" then shouldn't it say "and" our lives had become unmanageable? I thought that the hyphen seemed to connect my unmanageable life back to my powerlessness which would validate the notion that my "life" being unmanageable referred to my powerlessness over drinking and using.

It was later when I was studying (doing) the moral inventory that the answer was revealed for me.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
In broader terms it meant that emotional, moral, or spiritual disturbances in any part of my "life" cause a disconnection from the Power that removes the obsession to drink.

The hyphen (-) means that my powerlessness over drinking and using is directly connected to my unmanageable life. It means that solving the problem of the unmanageable life is the critical to solving the problem of addiction.

I think that conversely it may also compare my unmanageable "life" back to my addiction therefore the hyphen also means "and". That like my powerlessness over the substances, that I lack power to manage my disordered motives, feelings, values, decisions, and conduct (my life). Perhaps that's why step 2 states that we will be restored to "sanity" not just "sobriety" and Step 7 asks God to remove our defects of character.

Thanks be to God for managing my life and keeping me clean and sober today.

Insanity

"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."

This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I finally became willing to work the 12 Steps I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this type of insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Spiritual Fitness

Last night at our meeting the topic was the paragraph about step 7 and the beginning of step 8 finishing with the following sentence.

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

I thought of the common thread of spiritual fitness which is referred to in the 10th step.

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

I thought about the parallel with physical fitness. Like physical fitness, spiritual fitness is something that must be developed and maintained to be of maximum effectiveness.

I recently experienced an example of this when I had to help with m son's little league. I thought myself to be physically fit because I am not overweight and I don't have any acute physical ailments. But when it came to actually doing a lot of running, and catching, and throwing in the warm summer, I was quickly sucking wind, inflexible, uncoordinated, and too weak to endure.

While I believed and understood all about fitness, and looked good. I wasn't actually in condition to do even minor exertion. In order to truly be in fit physical condition I need to run, work out, and follow a nutritional program.

The same applies to my spiritual condition. In m first attempts at sobriety I did varying degrees of half measures. Sometimes I did the work and got into fit spiritual condition but then didn't keep it up. I believed in spiritual concepts and principles but I had no power to apply them. When I hit trials and low spots I relapsed.

In order to access the power that restores me to sanity I must do my spiritual strength building in prayer and meditation. In order to access the power that gives me joy in life I must do my spiritual endurance and flexibility training in service and sacrifice.