I realized that this was one of my main objections to the whole 12 Step program in general; the idea that I needed to address my moral conduct. All I could think about was the conflict of pain, fear, and obsession that I had. I had problems like welts on my arms, triggers, fear of losing my job, house, and family, and a mind that couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to use. I thought it was these things that the recovery program needed to be about, not my moral conduct.
When I finally took the steps I found the answer in the hyphen in Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".
In the second part of the step it says that our "lives" and not our "drinking or using" had become unmanageable. I often heard that this referred to the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. But, to me that would mean that my using and drinking had become unmanageable not my "life". Then I noticed that the program from step 3 on addresses my conduct in my "life" not my drinking and using. This seems to validate that it truly does refer to my "life".
So then I wondered why there was a hyphen (-) there and not the word "and". If it refers to my "life" then shouldn't it say "and" our lives had become unmanageable? I thought that the hyphen seemed to connect my unmanageable life back to my powerlessness which would validate the notion that my "life" being unmanageable referred to my powerlessness over drinking and using.
It was later when I was studying (doing) the moral inventory that the answer was revealed for me.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
In broader terms it meant that emotional, moral, or spiritual disturbances in any part of my "life" cause a disconnection from the Power that removes the obsession to drink.
The hyphen (-) means that my powerlessness over drinking and using is directly connected to my unmanageable life. It means that solving the problem of the unmanageable life is the critical to solving the problem of addiction.
I think that conversely it may also compare my unmanageable "life" back to my addiction therefore the hyphen also means "and". That like my powerlessness over the substances, that I lack power to manage my disordered motives, feelings, values, decisions, and conduct (my life). Perhaps that's why step 2 states that we will be restored to "sanity" not just "sobriety" and Step 7 asks God to remove our defects of character.
Thanks be to God for managing my life and keeping me clean and sober today.
