Rigorous Honesty

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

I thought about how I originally gave this a cursory reading thinking that it referred to pathological types with other more severe psychological disorders than alcoholism or addiction. I thought that those unfortunates were those who were lifelong criminals, or psychopaths, or social degenerates.

I also read this with a pre-conception of the term dishonest as referring to willful or or consentual lying. I also thought of dishonesty strictly in relation to interpersonal conduct.

But then one day I read it differently. This happened when I was coming back from relapse and was especially desperate, baffled, and despondent. I realized that it said that they were incapable of being honest with themselves. This started me thinking that this was referring to internal dishonesty. I realized that this could refer to the dynamic of denial and delusion. I realized that my conception may be preventing me from understanding this reading. I realized that in this context it could refer to me.

I thought that perhaps there might be an answer for me here. I realized that the description of those that failed could apply to all of us except for the part about thoroughly following the path. That I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself sounded like it referred to the idea that "of myself" I was not able to defeat my denial. That would apply to all addict/alcoholics except for those that thoroughly followed our path and gave themselves completely to this simple program.

I considered that perhaps I had not given myself completely to the program and/or thoroughly followed their path. But I thought to myself that I had given myself completely to my program and that I had thoroughly followed the path of everyone else in the fellowship, in some cases more thoroughly than some people who stayed sober.

Then it dawned on me that where it said "our" it referred to the people who wrote the book not the people in the current fellowship (except for those that followed the book). Then it dawned on me that I had been unwilling to thoroughly follow the precise instructions (the path) as outlined in the book. I had also been unwilling to give myself completely to this simple program, preferring to rely more on the fellowship rather than the program.

I also saw that the paragraph ended by saying that they are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of LIVING which demanded rigorous honesty. Could this refer to the same type of denial about my other hang ups in life? Just being back from relapse and seeing some truth about myself I had to say yes! By not admitting the truth about my disordered instincts, emotions, desires, values, and judgments I had not completely given myself to this simple program.

I decided to follow their path thoroughly for 24 hours. I would commit to a rigorously honest self appraisal, I would make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, I would get a sponsor today, I would write some inventory that night, I would pray and meditate in the morning, I would try to carry this message in a meeting today, and I would practice these principals in all my affairs not just talk about them.

Therein was the key to my sobriety and it is still so today.

Thanks be to God.