At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration. I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later. I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.
I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted. I wondered why this was. I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?
The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem. They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power. I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days. I had spent too much time with me!
This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps. I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude. I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences. Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem. I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.
Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete. When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea. The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity". I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed. It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions. I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance. But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.
My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective. This is what was causing my impairment of vision. I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive. So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them.
I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem. Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness. Nevertheless the solution always lies with me. I must take the action required to be rid of self. And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.
