Who are We?

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution.   Alcoholics Anonymous Pg. 17

From the time I first began attending 12 step meetings I noticed what seemed to be two sets of voices.  There were those who talked explicitly about their past and their problems, but vaguely about the solution.  Then there were those who spoke in general terms about the past, but precisely about their nature and how to recover.  I saw the merits of both, but those who talked too much about the program of action seemed rigid and shrill to me, even though they made sense and seemed more forthright.

Being that I was rationally undisciplined, and identified more with drugalogues and issues, I gravitated toward the easier way.  The bunch that did not say things that pressured me with any difficult ideas were much more attractive to me.  This path was broader and less demanding.   But, I could not find the stable and lasting sobriety that I needed.

The identification, friendship, and support that I receive from the fellowship is great catalyst for beginning recovery, it is indispensable, but it has a shelf life. I will eventually run dry unless I take action to get connected to a Higher Power.  I am grateful for those who stood by the principles of the program and were not dissuaded by the desire to please everyone.  I was able to remember their perspective when I needed to consider what I should do different.

I had to come back to the 12 step fellowships several times before realizing lasting sobriety.  I found the willingness to commit myself to the spiritual solution and to practice it.  When I orient myself to the part the sober network that guides me to do the work, I establish and maintain an unlimited connection to that Power which is God.

This being said, I have found that if all I talk about is the work, then I don't make that connection to the addict who is still suffering.  It is very easy for me to get on a spiritual mountain top and think that identification is not important.  I have to make a conscious and deliberate effort to balance my attitude to include both elements of the cement that binds us.

Today I am bound to my fellows by what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.

Step 4

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 64

I often took stock of things when I would try and get sober.  I would look at my finances, my physical fitness, my housekeeping, the upkeep of my vehicles, etc.  But I could never bring myself to take a thorough look at my ideas and beliefs. The thought of taking moral inventory was highly objectionable to me.  After taking step 2 I began realizing that my I had undue revulsion for this and I began to question it. I realized that my distorted sense of morality was defending itself from inquiry.  This is where my addiction lived.  It was afraid to have the light of truth shine in and reveal it for what it was. I was afraid.  

The fourth step is the key to unlock the door of denial and to allow me to move out of self-centeredness.

5 Steps to Conflict Resolution

1. Self Control and Self Searching - I can't be objective or rational if I can't control my emotions. Step away and calm down.  Search out the source of my misdirected instinct.
2. Own my motives and actions - Ask myself: What have I done to contribute to this situation? Are any of my needs or actions based on misdirected instinct instead of rational thinking?  Think of what I can control, my feelings and actions.  Let go of what I can't control, the other person's feelings or actions.
3. Be Contrite (or Willing) - Surrender my willfulness and ask God for forgiveness, strength, and healing.  Base my sense of resolution on our well being not on the circumstances or outcome. Change my attitude to embrace recovery over revenge.  Consider that the resentment and broken relationship may be more harmful than the circumstances of the wrong (or perceived wrong).  If I struggle with this, at least consider that contrition is the best policy be willing to let God change me.
4. Empathize - Forgive the other person, put myself in their shoes.  Allow the other person to own their own feelings, or be wrong. Trust that they will change on their own time frame. Be willing to admit and fully accept the wrongs that I commit.
5. Restitution - Make amends.  Admit my own faults and apologize to them verbally as soon as possible. Make restitution as soon as possible if needed. Remember action speaks louder than words!

The Lord's Prayer for Addicts

This morning this prayer came to mind.  I don't mean to suggest a different Lord's prayer and I never use different wording when I say the Lord's prayer but thinking about the meaning of each statement led me to think about this.

Our Father who art in Heaven,

Awesome be thy name,

Thy sanity come,

Thy will be done,

In reality, as it is in spirit,

Give us this day our daily strength,

and, forgive us our shortcomings,

as we forgive those who offend us,

Lead us, not into temptation,

but deliver us from our addiction,

For Thine is the power, peace, happiness,

and sense of direction,

Amen

Step 1 Reflections 2010

We Admitted - When I came into AA I thought that I had already done step one.  After all I was here wasn't I?   I found companionship and support to "put the plug in the jug" from the people in the rooms.  I thought that it was just a matter of staying willing.

In time however, I lost this willingness.   Once things got better and the tangible effect of the consequences wore off, I drank again. 

I realized that this had been my cycle for all of my drinking life, I would become very willing at the end of a year of binges and would sober up for a while and then I would invariably start the cycle over again, sometimes unwittingly.

But something else happened for me in the rooms that went with me into my drinking life.  I became acutely aware of the extreme contradiction of my behavior.  I began to experience a dissonance that left me more deeply disturbed every time I drank. 

Eventually I returned to AA to try again knowing that I needed to capitalize on my willingness before it faded.   The message about the insane duality of the alcoholic (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) resonated with me.   This got me to focus on step one.   In reading in the book and  listening to sharing about step one I learned about the disease concept and the grave nature of powerlessness.   This was something that I had never known about before even though I had lived it forever.  

I believe that the "taking" of step one is in the real admission, the acceptance of the truth of the nature of alcoholism, not in the experience of drinking and misery.  I knew to some extent that I had a problem and that I needed to stop for years.  I even called myself an alcoholic sometimes, but I did not truly understand what that meant and it's full implication until I came to AA.

I found a new willingness and motivation to stay and do the work.  The mystery began to unravel from there and I began to receive the keys to build a foundation of recovery.

Thanks be to God and to AA for the truth that allows me to find freedom.

Step 12 Reflections 2009

Having had  a Spiritual Awakening - When I first considered the Twelve Steps I immediately scanned down to the twelfth step for the payoff. I expected to find that I would get control of my drinking, and gain material success and prosperity as a result of working these steps. I was sorely disappointed to find that I would have a “spiritual awakening”. I thought this was pie in the sky stuff and didn’t understand what that had to do with getting sober. I didn’t bother to take the steps.

I tried to stay sober by “putting the plug in the jug”, going to lots of meetings, changing playmates and playpens, and taking psychotherapy. This was “my” program. I never did work and I could not stay sober.

As a Result of these Steps - When I hit a lower bottom I got more desperate to get sober and stay sober and I became willing go to any lengths. I was shown that the twelve steps were the program of recovery, no steps; no program, no program; no recovery (for me, for my type).

When I took the steps I was shown that my life was unmanageable and that this was why I could not stay sober. I learned that this was the result of a spiritual sickness. I read in the Big Book that when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

    When I took all twelve steps I received much more than I expected. I received power, peace, happiness, and a sense of direction. I received an understanding that these things were the real meaning, the real source of fulfillment in life.

    The Spiritual Awakening is ineffable, it can’t be explained, it can only be experienced, but it is a greater treasure than any material prosperity that I could imagine.

We Tried to carry this message - became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help.  The step doesn't ask me to  help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober.   What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him.  With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems.  I first have to teach him to put first things first.   That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

And Practice these Principles - Walk the walk not just talk the talk. Part of what sold me was the idea of constructive action.  This is what was different than religion as I had previously conceived it.  It was a process of constructive action and belief.  Still once I had gone through the work and some time went by I fell into faith without works and relapsed.  When I reconstructed what went wrong I found that it was a matter of truly internalizing this consept, faith without works is dead.

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. Alcoholics Anonymous, p.19


In All of our Affairs -    For me the “all of my affairs” part of step 12 is about putting these principles (such as love, tolerance, and forgiveness) into practice in my daily life .

    There have been times when I studied, believed in, and could tell you all about these principles but I didn’t actually put much effort into practicing them. The result was a stressful, antagonistic, unmanageable life – and sometimes relapse. I found that it’s not enough for me to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.

    Also, it is easy for me to talk about these things in meetings and practice them with my AA friends but the hard part is to practice these ideas outside of the rooms where others may not reciprocate. If I do not practice them in ALL of my affairs then I am only doing half measures and the result is nil. I can not compartmentalize my spiritual life or I become my own god.

    This program is no different than some forms of secular morality except for the higher power part (and it’s primary purpose). But I have never been able to fully realize these convictions based on the scope of my own reasoning ability. There were always some situations, people, causes, or institutions that I could not tolerate or forgive based on the values of my limited vision (my justice). It was only when I chose to live by the directives of a Higher Power that I was able to realize the fullness of fellowship with others and the power to overcome my obsession.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

When I was in treatment for addiction there were three individuals in there that intrigued me, a counselor, a cop, and a preacher.  At the time I was struggling to find faith and the spiritual life.  I questioned the validity of recovery if here were three men who were experts in psychology, morality, and spirituality that ended up in treatment. 

I asked the counselor why he couldn't stay sober if hew was an expert in recovery programs.  He told me that he believed in recovery and the spiritual life but he did not have a spiritual life of his own.  He could teach everyone else how to get sober but he could not stay sober himself.

I asked the cop why he was in trouble if he was a law keeper.  He said that he always believed in God and his law.  That's why he was a cop, to make sure everyone else followed the law.  But, he did not have his own spiritual life and as a consequence he himself could not follow the law.

I asked the preacher why he could not stay sober if he had faith.  He said that believed wholeheartedly in God and the spiritual life.   He could teach everyone else about theology and the spiritual life and administer this for them. But, he had lost his own spiritual life and he could not live rightly himself.

These guys taught me a simple lesson, "faith without works is dead".

This explained to me why so many people of faith were hypocrites, not because faith doesn't work but, because people don't do the work to get or keep their faith.  It all made sense to me then and I had a feeling deep within that I could now find faith.

I had to learn this lesson for myself later down the road when I found recovery and had some time and lost it.  I looked back at my program and saw that I had been thorough.  I had several relapses and saw that each time the conditions prior to relapse were different except for one common thread.  I had quit doing the spiritual work consistently and my faith had died.

Today I try and keep the spiritual life first above all things.

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
For just as a body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.
James 2:26