We Admitted - When I came into AA I thought that I had already done step one. After all I was here wasn't I? I found companionship and support to "put the plug in the jug" from the people in the rooms. I thought that it was just a matter of staying willing.
In time however, I lost this willingness. Once things got better and the tangible effect of the consequences wore off, I drank again.
I realized that this had been my cycle for all of my drinking life, I would become very willing at the end of a year of binges and would sober up for a while and then I would invariably start the cycle over again, sometimes unwittingly.
But something else happened for me in the rooms that went with me into my drinking life. I became acutely aware of the extreme contradiction of my behavior. I began to experience a dissonance that left me more deeply disturbed every time I drank.
Eventually I returned to AA to try again knowing that I needed to capitalize on my willingness before it faded. The message about the insane duality of the alcoholic (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) resonated with me. This got me to focus on step one. In reading in the book and listening to sharing about step one I learned about the disease concept and the grave nature of powerlessness. This was something that I had never known about before even though I had lived it forever.
I believe that the "taking" of step one is in the real admission, the acceptance of the truth of the nature of alcoholism, not in the experience of drinking and misery. I knew to some extent that I had a problem and that I needed to stop for years. I even called myself an alcoholic sometimes, but I did not truly understand what that meant and it's full implication until I came to AA.
I found a new willingness and motivation to stay and do the work. The mystery began to unravel from there and I began to receive the keys to build a foundation of recovery.
Thanks be to God and to AA for the truth that allows me to find freedom.
