The Good The Bad and The Ugly

When I was in treatment for addiction there were three individuals in there that intrigued me, a counselor, a cop, and a preacher.  At the time I was struggling to find faith and the spiritual life.  I questioned the validity of recovery if here were three men who were experts in psychology, morality, and spirituality that ended up in treatment. 

I asked the counselor why he couldn't stay sober if hew was an expert in recovery programs.  He told me that he believed in recovery and the spiritual life but he did not have a spiritual life of his own.  He could teach everyone else how to get sober but he could not stay sober himself.

I asked the cop why he was in trouble if he was a law keeper.  He said that he always believed in God and his law.  That's why he was a cop, to make sure everyone else followed the law.  But, he did not have his own spiritual life and as a consequence he himself could not follow the law.

I asked the preacher why he could not stay sober if he had faith.  He said that believed wholeheartedly in God and the spiritual life.   He could teach everyone else about theology and the spiritual life and administer this for them. But, he had lost his own spiritual life and he could not live rightly himself.

These guys taught me a simple lesson, "faith without works is dead".

This explained to me why so many people of faith were hypocrites, not because faith doesn't work but, because people don't do the work to get or keep their faith.  It all made sense to me then and I had a feeling deep within that I could now find faith.

I had to learn this lesson for myself later down the road when I found recovery and had some time and lost it.  I looked back at my program and saw that I had been thorough.  I had several relapses and saw that each time the conditions prior to relapse were different except for one common thread.  I had quit doing the spiritual work consistently and my faith had died.

Today I try and keep the spiritual life first above all things.

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
For just as a body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.
James 2:26

Step 11 Reflection 2009

Prayer and meditation is essential to the cultivation of recovery and wellness.  It is daily process of behavioral planning, programming, and the spiritual life.  This is a life skill that is indispensable and rewarding.  It is a practice that can result in a high functioning life.

Building the practice - In the beginning I often did not feel anything out it, understand it, get anything, or do it very well.  But, I was beginning and building the practice and got a sense of constructive effort and felt a sense of growth by looking at the cumulative effort. 

Building a better self - When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living.  Prayer and meditation is the process of amending the character.   It is the process of building effective thinking, emotional control, and good behaviors.  This deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a high functioning life that is greater than good.


Building a connection to God - When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness.  I build a spiritual life and place this in the correct priority as the most important action in the process of wellness cultivation.  This comes through improved conscious contact with God.  This is the process of divine filiation.  It is what we are designed for.

Building strength of faith - I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith.  I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious. I thought of how this is a way one would actualize the Placebo Effect.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you." 

Philippians 4:6-9

A Sense of Direction

The emphasis of my 12 Step work must be upon God and His will.  I must be careful that I do not lean too heavily on my own efforts or on the 12 Step fellowship.  Here is a visual to describe this.

I had often heard the 5 things to do to stay sober (particularly when exiting a treatment center).  They are usually some variation of these.

1. Go to Meetings 
2. Get a Sponsor 
3. Read the Big Book
4. Pray and Meditate (or Work The Steps)
5. Do Service Work (or Help Others)
   

The pyramid illustrates how much power I get from them.  The largest part of the pyramid is the base, in service and the steps.  The smallest parts of the pyramid are meetings and sponsor. 

The power I get through doing the work is most effective if I am doing it in the spirit of service to God and others.  This is where most of my efforts should be.  At the beginning I was upside down in that most of my time was spent in meetings and with my sponsor and the Big Book.  Later I often got this upside down in continuing to place my dependence mostly upon making meetings and asking my sponsor to solve my problems.  To keep my experience alive and healthy (vital), I must be of maximum service to God and my fellows so I  must get the pyramid right side up.

A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
There is a Solution, page 28

The "Vital" Spiritual Experience

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. Into Action, page 88

The spiritual experience must be kept “vital” in the sense of alive in order to stay connected and to grow. Steps 10, 11, 12 keep me connected to God’s power.

A. We usually think of the steps like they are listed on the wall 1-12 in linear fashion. We think of them as a process we finished when we worked them with a sponsor. We studied them, we did the writing, we had the Spiritual Experience.

B. However, when we do step 12 it takes us back to step 1 working with another alcoholic.

C. Continuing to do step 12 makes the steps circular.

D. Doing 10 11 and 12 are like a small circle in the big circle. Each of the growth steps reconnects us with all of our steps. We have an experience with the steps again. We keep the experience alive. We continue to work them.

A Hundred Forms of Self

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".

This morning I finally felt well enough to go to a meeting after a week with the flu. I knew I needed to go because it had not been to a meeting in a week but, I found myself struggling against the idea.  that I had a hundred other things that seemed to be more important. I thought about how all these things were critical to life maintenance and I was way behind on them because I had been sick.  but then I remembered that meetings were of primary importance, but why? The thought crossed my mind that drinking or using was the farthest thing from my mind so I am not in any danger right?.

At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration.  I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later.  I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.

I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted.   I wondered why this was.   I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?

The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem.  They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power.  I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days.  I had spent too much time with me!

This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps.  I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude.   I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences.  Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem.   I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.

Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete.  When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea.  The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".  I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed.  It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions.  I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance.  But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.


My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective.   This is what was causing my impairment of vision.   I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive.  So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them. 

I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem.  Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness.  Nevertheless the solution always lies with me.   I must take the action required to be rid of self.  And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.

Faith Means Courage

Recently I've been in several Twelve Step meetings that have been about surrender, fear, and fear of surrender. Coincidentally, I've been working with someone on a moral inventory and reviewing fear.

Typically the question comes up: "How do I learn to surrender when all my life I have been taught that I have to fight at all costs to survive (or succeed)?".

This was exactly how I felt when I was trying to learn to live by these new principles. I grew up with a lot of ideas about fierce self-reliance like "You have to fight for your right", "Never surrender", "never give up", "never say die", "never say never again", "keep your mouth shut", and "Never apologize it's a sign of weakness". I was taught this is what it means to be a man.

I thought about the reading in the AA Big Book on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage.

"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I thought about how it also states that we "never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator". I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked by the idea of courage to talk about faith rather than courage to live by faith. It seems to me that the context before and after is all about living by faith. Perhaps he meant to say something like:

"We never fear the way of depending upon our creator. We must set aside our old idea that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never let doubt deter us from depending upon God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I don't mean to suggest that the Big Book needs to be re-written. I'm just trying to distill out what the book says to me about faith as the way of strength.

It has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside self reliance and depend upon God. In fact it sometimes seems like a real fight. What happened to me is that initially I had to surrender the fight to have things my way. But then, I had to learn to fight my will and the ways of the world to do God's will. It really didn't feel like a surrender for long before it started to feel like a new fight.

But now I am no longer fighting alone for a futile cause. Now I am fighting the good fight with a Leader and a team as my strength. When I completely give myself to Him, pray for him to remove my fear, follow his word, work with others, join in communion with the church, the saints and the angels, I am galvanized and achieve that which I have never been able to accomplish on my own.

Thanks be to God!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."
-Matthew 19:26

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Rigorous Honesty

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

I thought about how I originally gave this a cursory reading thinking that it referred to pathological types with other more severe psychological disorders than alcoholism or addiction. I thought that those unfortunates were those who were lifelong criminals, or psychopaths, or social degenerates.

I also read this with a pre-conception of the term dishonest as referring to willful or or consentual lying. I also thought of dishonesty strictly in relation to interpersonal conduct.

But then one day I read it differently. This happened when I was coming back from relapse and was especially desperate, baffled, and despondent. I realized that it said that they were incapable of being honest with themselves. This started me thinking that this was referring to internal dishonesty. I realized that this could refer to the dynamic of denial and delusion. I realized that my conception may be preventing me from understanding this reading. I realized that in this context it could refer to me.

I thought that perhaps there might be an answer for me here. I realized that the description of those that failed could apply to all of us except for the part about thoroughly following the path. That I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself sounded like it referred to the idea that "of myself" I was not able to defeat my denial. That would apply to all addict/alcoholics except for those that thoroughly followed our path and gave themselves completely to this simple program.

I considered that perhaps I had not given myself completely to the program and/or thoroughly followed their path. But I thought to myself that I had given myself completely to my program and that I had thoroughly followed the path of everyone else in the fellowship, in some cases more thoroughly than some people who stayed sober.

Then it dawned on me that where it said "our" it referred to the people who wrote the book not the people in the current fellowship (except for those that followed the book). Then it dawned on me that I had been unwilling to thoroughly follow the precise instructions (the path) as outlined in the book. I had also been unwilling to give myself completely to this simple program, preferring to rely more on the fellowship rather than the program.

I also saw that the paragraph ended by saying that they are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of LIVING which demanded rigorous honesty. Could this refer to the same type of denial about my other hang ups in life? Just being back from relapse and seeing some truth about myself I had to say yes! By not admitting the truth about my disordered instincts, emotions, desires, values, and judgments I had not completely given myself to this simple program.

I decided to follow their path thoroughly for 24 hours. I would commit to a rigorously honest self appraisal, I would make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, I would get a sponsor today, I would write some inventory that night, I would pray and meditate in the morning, I would try to carry this message in a meeting today, and I would practice these principals in all my affairs not just talk about them.

Therein was the key to my sobriety and it is still so today.

Thanks be to God.