Saturday, November 24, 2007
If I Only Manage Well
"Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"
Wrest - (obtain by seizing forcibly or violently, also metaphorically) "wrest the knife from his hands"; "wrest a meaning from the old text"; "wrest power from the old government"
It was easy for me to see where I had been selfish and inconsiderate to others where it came to feeding my addiction. But it was harder to see where my resentments were of my own making when I had them for good reasons.
To "wrest" means to seize forcefully or violently. It's like the word wrestle, it's a fight.
All my life I've been taught to to stand up for myself, fight for my rights, carve out my niche, struggle for my dreams, forge my destiny.
I came to believe that anytime I feel strongly enough about something that I feel is right then I should fight for it.
What I have learned is that I fight with others when I have placed too much value on my desires. I have become selfish and self-centered. Even if these desires are for good.
When I depend on people, plans and circumstances (this world) for my satisfaction and happiness I rarely achieve it for more than a moment. Inevitably and invariably I am disappointed. It's like trying to herd cats, I can never control all of them. I used to dream about the ideal system to run the world if I could achieve political power. Eventually I concluded that the only system that could ever truly work would be to use mind control devices. I'm sure someday someone will try it.
All of my life I have operated by the idea that my satisfaction and happiness depends on "managing well". It defies conventional thinking to place my dependence on a power greater than myself to manage things. It's a radical shift in thinking that doesn't come easily and I have had to learn and re-learn over and over.
But it is precisely that unconventional process that is the key to finding happiness and satisfaction in this life. I must place my dependence upon my relationship with God above all else. I must be willing to leave outcomes in his hands and let go of my plans, desires, needs and motives. Even if they are for a good cause.
This is the source true freedom and power.
Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Why God?
Why do I need God/spirituality/religion?
For pathological reasons, for my Well-ness, for my well-being. For my mental health, for my spiritual health, for my soul.
Like good health care, like good nutrition, like good environment:
For pathological reasons, for my Well-ness, for my well-being. For my mental health, for my spiritual health, for my soul.
Like good health care, like good nutrition, like good environment:
- Restoration: My mental health gets restored when I am unmanageable; like medical treatment or medicine.
- Regeneration: My spirit is fed daily and sustained. I must replenish that which has degenerated, like daily nourishment, like regular meals, like good nutrition.
- Inspiration: spirit flowing in and through and out, like breathing good air or drinking plenty of liquids or good exercise and growth. Like the energy that comes from well-ness.
God is spiritual being that created me to be connected in spirit with him and others.
I am a spiritual being that has a mind, soul, and spirit that require sustanence. I survive, grow and reproduce from that sustanence.
There is a great spiritual connection that is the source of that sustenance, it is that connection to God and to others.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
The Second Step Proposition
When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be?
Crushed by a self-imposed crisis
When I hit bottom, ran out of options and admitted I was powerless
When I clung to my character defects and relapsed
When I experience unmanageability in sobriety
God is everything or else He is nothing
I had to find enough trust to place my will in his hands
I had to face the fear of giving up things I didn’t want to let go
I must continue to be willing to let him have ALL of me
God either is or He isn't
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
Crushed by a self-imposed crisis
When I hit bottom, ran out of options and admitted I was powerless
When I clung to my character defects and relapsed
When I experience unmanageability in sobriety
God is everything or else He is nothing
I had to find enough trust to place my will in his hands
I had to face the fear of giving up things I didn’t want to let go
I must continue to be willing to let him have ALL of me
God either is or He isn't
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
Self Will
Stubbornness: resolute adherence to your own ideas or desires
Self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Self-Will - the willful or obstinate persistence in following one’s own desires and opinions.
Self - self is the ego, often identified with the soul or mind as opposed to the body; innermost self
Will - intent, purpose, volition
Motives (intent) Decisions Conduct (behavior)
Self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Self-Will - the willful or obstinate persistence in following one’s own desires and opinions.
Self - self is the ego, often identified with the soul or mind as opposed to the body; innermost self
Will - intent, purpose, volition
Motives (intent) Decisions Conduct (behavior)
We Admitted
We
Our Type – Only other addicts or alcoholics armed with the facts about themselves and who have found a solution, have found us approachable; “We admitted that WE…” Others have told us the truth about ourselves but we only hear the person with the same experience. Only this person’s message has the depth and weight to break the wall of or denial. It is critical that we have others of our type to work with to stay sober and turn the shame of the past into a purpose that gives our life meaning and value.
But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.
The Fellowship – WE are thousands who have recovered…, we need the fellowship and support of our kind to sustain recovery. Before WE came together, recovery (for our type) was a phenomenon that was rare. The book gives us the experience and precise instructions of the founders. The Message it carries has raised the bottom for us. We can find meetings and support anywhere we go.
We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.
The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.
The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action.
Our Personal Relationships – Wives, parents, employers, children, etc. Addiction/Alcoholism is a disease that engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It is important to understand that they too are to some extent ill. Normal persons can have unmanageability also. Chances are that we have contributed to this. When we struggle with them in recovery we need to give them with the same latitude (or more) that we give to ourselves.
An illness of this sort and we have come to believe it an illness involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents anyone can increase the list.
Admitted
Admit; To LET IN – Think of admitting someone in the door. Think of the door as the door to our mind. When we were in denial we were unwilling to let the truth come in.
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.
Denial/Delusion – Our minds have a defense mechanism that shields us from the truth. Our subconscious reacts from a deluge of conflicting truths and simply denies clarity.
Driven by the obsession our minds have subscribed to a world view that supports drinking and using.
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.
Self Reliance – Pride, Independent Spirit, Ego; we have always been taught or preferred a view that we are so resourceful and talented that we can and should solve our own problems. We fear that to get help will show weakness. No one likes to ADMIT…
Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum.
Our Type – Only other addicts or alcoholics armed with the facts about themselves and who have found a solution, have found us approachable; “We admitted that WE…” Others have told us the truth about ourselves but we only hear the person with the same experience. Only this person’s message has the depth and weight to break the wall of or denial. It is critical that we have others of our type to work with to stay sober and turn the shame of the past into a purpose that gives our life meaning and value.
But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.
The Fellowship – WE are thousands who have recovered…, we need the fellowship and support of our kind to sustain recovery. Before WE came together, recovery (for our type) was a phenomenon that was rare. The book gives us the experience and precise instructions of the founders. The Message it carries has raised the bottom for us. We can find meetings and support anywhere we go.
We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.
The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.
The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action.
Our Personal Relationships – Wives, parents, employers, children, etc. Addiction/Alcoholism is a disease that engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It is important to understand that they too are to some extent ill. Normal persons can have unmanageability also. Chances are that we have contributed to this. When we struggle with them in recovery we need to give them with the same latitude (or more) that we give to ourselves.
An illness of this sort and we have come to believe it an illness involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents anyone can increase the list.
Admitted
Admit; To LET IN – Think of admitting someone in the door. Think of the door as the door to our mind. When we were in denial we were unwilling to let the truth come in.
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.
Denial/Delusion – Our minds have a defense mechanism that shields us from the truth. Our subconscious reacts from a deluge of conflicting truths and simply denies clarity.
Driven by the obsession our minds have subscribed to a world view that supports drinking and using.
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.
Self Reliance – Pride, Independent Spirit, Ego; we have always been taught or preferred a view that we are so resourceful and talented that we can and should solve our own problems. We fear that to get help will show weakness. No one likes to ADMIT…
Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum.
Powerlessness
Physical Allergy: phenomenon of craving; Once I start I can’t stop; can’t control predictably. I react differently than normal people. I develop an intense, overpowering craving that normal people don’t get. This is due to a physiological difference in me.
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all…
Mental Obsession: “Power of the Effect”, Using/drinking changes how I feel, gives me a sense of ease and comfort, courage, excitement. I react different to these substances in the sense that give me a super-natural experience so powerful that it drives me into a mental obsession.
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks…
Mental Blank Spot: Our perception of reality is altered before we take the first drink (or hit) so that we can’t see the consequences or can’t bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop from doing what we know will hurt us; loss of power, choice, control.
We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us.
Note:This includes the times when we know what will happen (and that it’s not worth it)but are so obsessed with that hit that we take it anyway.
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all…
Mental Obsession: “Power of the Effect”, Using/drinking changes how I feel, gives me a sense of ease and comfort, courage, excitement. I react different to these substances in the sense that give me a super-natural experience so powerful that it drives me into a mental obsession.
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks…
Mental Blank Spot: Our perception of reality is altered before we take the first drink (or hit) so that we can’t see the consequences or can’t bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop from doing what we know will hurt us; loss of power, choice, control.
We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us.
Note:This includes the times when we know what will happen (and that it’s not worth it)but are so obsessed with that hit that we take it anyway.
Umanageability Defined
Here are some thoughts on the meaning of unmanageability:
External Unmanageability - Problems with circumstances; personal relationships, finances, problems with jobs, problems with the law, problems with livelyhood like cars, home etc.
Internal Unmanageability - Unmanageable feelings, Spiritual Malady, Soul Sickness, missing something, not feeling complete, unable to achieve satisfaction, feeling less than or more than never just ok, A black hole inside, a great void, shame, guilt, blame, depression, etc.
Perspective Unmanageability - Unmanageability of the will, Unmanageability of the truth, Unmanageability of values, denial, delusion, old ideas, old belief systems, old conceptions, old motives; Decisions are made based on core values that are flawed. The way that I see things is erratic and inconsistent and reckless and unmanageable. The way that I make decisions is flawed because I am using old values that are not based on sound or consistent principles and I'm not able to discern the true from the false.
External Unmanageability - Problems with circumstances; personal relationships, finances, problems with jobs, problems with the law, problems with livelyhood like cars, home etc.
Internal Unmanageability - Unmanageable feelings, Spiritual Malady, Soul Sickness, missing something, not feeling complete, unable to achieve satisfaction, feeling less than or more than never just ok, A black hole inside, a great void, shame, guilt, blame, depression, etc.
Perspective Unmanageability - Unmanageability of the will, Unmanageability of the truth, Unmanageability of values, denial, delusion, old ideas, old belief systems, old conceptions, old motives; Decisions are made based on core values that are flawed. The way that I see things is erratic and inconsistent and reckless and unmanageable. The way that I make decisions is flawed because I am using old values that are not based on sound or consistent principles and I'm not able to discern the true from the false.
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