There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self- searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.
When I finally surrendered it wasn't in the midst of a classic bottom. On the outside I was as succesful as I had ever been in my life. I had a wife, my first kid, a house, 2 vehicles, 2 boats, etc... But I experienced a sense of hopelessness and futility. I came to believe that I would never be able to manage my chemical obsession.
I was humbled by the progression of my disease and the insanity.
As I got some clean time under my belt and the insanity stabiliized, the sense of hopelessness and futility that I "experienced" began to get hazy and to fade.
When I entered the fellowship I came to believe in another sense of hopelessness and futility, the description of the real addict/alcoholic. The powerlessness of a mental obsession, the revelation of the real lack of power, choice and control. The understanding that my obsession was my master, that I was not in control of my thinking but that the obsession was.
I found acceptance from the experience of others.
Even so I still needed to find more humility to keep recovery a high enough priority.
I had relapses.
I believe that I could have come to believe many times in the past if could have found the humility to accept the truth. I believe humility is the key to acceptance and acceptance the key to breaking the denial and delusion that is driven by pride and self-reliance.
