I AM A MIRACLE

The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

AT 7:00 this morning I opened my garage door and looked out at the street in front of my house and it looked like a war zone. There were piles of fireworks remnants and cannon shells all over the place from the party last night. I thought to myself that there were probably many people who would wake up today and feel like that street looked.

I thought about what a miracle it is that I don't have to feel like a war zone in my head today. I thought about what a miracle it is that I didn't have to drink last night or any night for the past year and a few before that.

I thought about the first New Year's party that I drank. I had a flashback to it the other night. I was sitting with the baby and the kids were watching Charlie Brown New Year. I suddenly remembered that I had identified with him leading up to that New Year's party in 1974. I too was anticipating the worry that I would make a fool out of myself, that I wouldn't be able to talk to the girls, that I wouldn't be able to dance, and that I would be perceived as boring and uncool. I went to the party with a Charlie Brown conception of myself and it was just like that until IT happened. My friend snuck me my first full glass of alcohol, it was champagne.

Something inconceivable happened to me when I drank that glass. Suddenly the world shifted. Suddenly the party no longer felt like the Charlie Brown New Year, it felt like Saturday Night Fever and I felt like Tony Manero! Suddenly I was bold and bullet proof and could talk to the ladies and dance like i was on Soul Train. Suddenly I felt like everybody respected me and I was on fire!

That night didn't end well. We were only allowed a few drinks but I started craving more liquor and started sneaking it. I drank too much and got caught, I got so loaded that I tried to hit on my friend's mom. I burned my hair and I was crawling on the floor crying. When they drove me home I fell out of the car in front of my parents house, and puked my guts. My parents got into a huge argument with the parent who had the party.

The next day my head and body felt like a war zone. Nothing even close to that bad had ever happened to me in my life. I remembered all of the bad stuff that had happened and none of the good stuff. I swore I would never drink again.

A few days or weeks later my friend reminisced with me about the good parts of the party. Suddenly the memory of how good drinking felt to me came rushing back. I actually remembered what the euphoric feeling felt like not just the confidence that it gave me. I could remember what was so bad about it that I swore it off. My friend and I went out and got loaded again. Thus began a pattern that would dog me for the next 25 years.

Normal people don't react like that to alcohol. Alcohol doesn't change the world for most people. Most people don't crave more so much that they can't stop. Normal people don't have the sort of problems with control that I had.

Most people don't have the sorts of problems with the consequences of drinking that I had. Most people eventually stop and don't start again when these things happen. I never couldn't remember what was so bad that I had to swear it off. I always drank again.

I had many unhappy New Years after that. The holiday came to be a time that I would dread. I remember not making it to midnight a lot of years. I remember disappearing on a binge a lot on New Years. I remember a lot of crying and pain and heartache. It always felt like a war zone.

It's a miracle that people who drank like me can get sober.
It's a miracle that people whose lives got screwed up so bad can get such good lives back.
It's a miracle that people whose minds suffered such damage can find joy again.

I tried for years to get sober through will power and self control. I achieved improvement and success in many areas of my life but could never get control over my drinking. It took a miracle for that to happen.

Thanks be to God for that miracle!

I Was Good at Quitting

Today at the noon meeting we read from Bill's story. I related to his experience in the years of his alcoholism. Like him I had many signs of my addiction but I could not admit I was an alcoholic. I had many wake up calls and bottoms when I would resolve to control my addiction. I found myself quitting drinking many times.

There were many events that prompted me to get sober: anger from my loved ones, extreme binges, lost relationships, lost interests, sordid behavior, lost reputation, lost health, physical damage, lost self worth, financial problems, lost jobs, lost possessions, and lost freedom.

Each of these worked for a time or two but would all fail when the thought of the feeling of the next drunk or high would obscure the memory of the pain.

There were many ways in which I managed to get clean: changing substances, changing addresses, changing jobs, changing friends, changing lovers, changing lifestyle, changing politics, changing music, and changing habits.

Each one of these would work for a while but I always had a problem with the idea that I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking like a normal person again.

There were many control mechanisms that I began to resort to when all else failed: moving back home, letting someone manage my finances, getting probation, going to jail, and finally rehabs and AA.

Each of these worked for a time but eventually I drank and got high on probation, I drank and got high in jail, and I drank and got high after rehab.

When I drank and got high in AA I finally had a last gasp wake up call.

I knew that I could no longer rely on any form of material or external method to control my addiction. I knew that I would need the most extreme method of control. I would need a complete psychological re-formation. I would need to have a revolutionary psychic change.

I did something radically different, I surrendered to the idea of a spiritual solution.

I worked the steps without ceasing,
I allowed the process to change my thinking,
I completely gave myself to this simple program.

We Admitted - Another Look

We - me, you(alcoholic's/addict's), and God

Admitted - At the beginning of step one, your (alcoholic's/addict's) stories and God's grace helped me surrender my denial and accept the truth that I identified with you, I became willing to at least consider that I might be one too - Surrender, Acceptance, and Willingness (SAW). At the end of step one, your description of the disease helped me to become Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing (HOW) to admit the truth about myself and consider the solution.

I SAW-HOW from you and with God's grace, I received the key to admittance, humility.

Characteristics Of The Disease

Symptoms

Physical Allergy- Hypersensitivity to alcohol, phenomenon of craving: Once I start I can’t stop; can’t control predictably. I react differently than normal people. I develop an intense, overpowering craving that normal people don’t get. This is due to a physiological difference in me.“Power of the Effect”, Using/drinking changes how I feel, gives me a sense of ease and comfort, courage, excitement.

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all… Chronic

Mental Obsession- These substances give me a super-natural experience so powerful that I develop a mental obsession.

The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one... Progressive

Mental Blank Spot: My perception of reality is altered before I take the first drink (or hit) so that we can’t see the consequences or can’t bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop from doing what I know will hurt me; loss of power, choice, control.

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us... Fatal

Conditions

Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."

Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

Fatal - bringing death.

"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."


Spectrum of Alcoholics

Stages - Social drinker/Experimenter, Moderate drinker/Partier, Heavy Drinker/Hell Raiser, Alcoholic/Addict

Types - Dysfunctional Alcoholic, Functional Alcoholic, Long Term Alcoholic, Short Term Alcoholic, Acute Alcoholic, Chronic Alcoholic, Potential Alcoholic, Periodic Alcoholic

Physiopathologies - Genetic Alcoholic, Exposure Alcoholic, Straight Acoholic, Dual Addicted.

The Apple

Today I thought of a conception of the thought life as an apple. The outside skin is just the appearance and doesn't necessarily reflect the inner condition. The flesh is the place where decisions, judgements, and ambitions happen, they are based on the core. The core is the set of values, ideals, and desires. The seeds are the core motives, instincts, and feelings. The stem comes from the source and sustenance of the apple, it has a direct connection to the core.

When the fruit is separated from the tree it retains it's ripeness for a short time but eventually withers and rots.

When I choose to be self reliant I choose to separate the apple from the tree.

Thank God that he allowed me to reconnect it.

Vision of the Being

Today I tried to visualize a model of the innermost self. I recently realized that I have always had a scope of understanding limited to the intellect and instinct. These parts of a human are the biological and programmatic. In short they are the scope of the human animal.

I had never considered another component that forms the person. I never considered the spiritual being. This is the ontological aspect that puts the "being" into the human being.

The model that came to mind is mind, body, spirit. But in this modality the "body" is not the structure of physical organs that keep the brain alive, but rather this is the physiological aspect of the thought life.

Mind - Intellect, reason, computational thinking.
Body - Instincts, emotions, desires.
Spirit - Consciousness, connection to others, connection to Source.

Selfishness and Self Centeredness

I came to see selfishness and self-centeredness in a more thorough light. I previously had a cursory conception of these as greed and vanity. But the process helped me broaden my understanding to include conceptions of limiting scope and excessive desire.

Self Centeredness - I am so confident in my abilities that I rely completely or too heavily on my self. The scope of my reasoning is limited to my personal vision which I think is broader and deeper than it is.

Self-ISH-ness - I have come to value my desires and instincts too heavily to the extent that it has affected my decision making and conduct.