There were many events that prompted me to get sober: anger from my loved ones, extreme binges, lost relationships, lost interests, sordid behavior, lost reputation, lost health, physical damage, lost self worth, financial problems, lost jobs, lost possessions, and lost freedom.
Each of these worked for a time or two but would all fail when the thought of the feeling of the next drunk or high would obscure the memory of the pain.
There were many ways in which I managed to get clean: changing substances, changing addresses, changing jobs, changing friends, changing lovers, changing lifestyle, changing politics, changing music, and changing habits.
Each one of these would work for a while but I always had a problem with the idea that I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking like a normal person again.
There were many control mechanisms that I began to resort to when all else failed: moving back home, letting someone manage my finances, getting probation, going to jail, and finally rehabs and AA.
Each of these worked for a time but eventually I drank and got high on probation, I drank and got high in jail, and I drank and got high after rehab.
When I drank and got high in AA I finally had a last gasp wake up call.
I knew that I could no longer rely on any form of material or external method to control my addiction. I knew that I would need the most extreme method of control. I would need a complete psychological re-formation. I would need to have a revolutionary psychic change.
I did something radically different, I surrendered to the idea of a spiritual solution.
I worked the steps without ceasing,
I allowed the process to change my thinking,
I completely gave myself to this simple program.
