Step 8 2008

This year I have realized 5 aspects of spiritual housecleaning in making amends:

To clean up the messes of an unmangeable life - This is to make material restitution and remove the burdens and obstacles to a manageable life.

To clear up the "karma" - This is to make things right on the spriritual plane.

To connect with people - This is the initial process of rebuilding relationships which is an integral part of leading a contentful life.

To communicate my condition to others - It is important that the people close to me (where prudent) understand my condition and new life.

To cultivate my humility - It is very easy to think my humility but to do the steps is to act it.

Making amends is to build my humility and build my spiritual fitness.
This vitalizes (makes alive) and, is vital to, my spiritual experience.

A Vision Revealed

I once was in a meeting where the last page of "A Vision for You" was read. I was struggling with unmanageability and my sobriety felt tenuous. I was at the point in my clean time when I would always relapse. I didn't have the desire to drink or use but I knew by this time that my relapses were sudden and without warning. I knew I needed to do something different in my program or relapse was inevitable. I had met with my sponsor and I had sought God's will. My sponsor told me that I needed to do written inventory nightly and that I needed to clean house.

As I sat in the meeting I felt distant and self-absorbed. I sat there completely baffled by what God's will for me was. I resolved to hear what God needed me to hear and to consider the needs of others. Then someone read...

"God will constantly disclose more to you and to us".

I thought that's it! He's about to disclose his will for me...

"Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick".

I thought, yeah I have been praying a little but not meditating at all. I have never prayed for what God wants me to do for the man who is still sick.

The answers will come, if your own house is in order.

Yes I thought, I have not been taking personal inventory effectively, my house is not in order. I have been considering that written inventory every night may be the only way that I can do this.

But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got.

I thought, what is "something" that you haven't got?

See to it that your relationship with Him is right,

I thought, yes that relationship is that "something" I haven't got. That relationship is the power that restores me to sanity. In order to have a relationship you must spend time with someone, so I don't have it. Also, my relationship with him must be "right" and it can't be if I hold on to those defects of charaacter and I can't be rid of them if I don't ask for him to remove them in daily inventory.

..and great events will come to pass for you and countless others.

I thought about the great events that had come to pass for me already. The obsession had been removed, I didn't have to "white knuckle" sobriety, I wasn't constantly dogged by a monkey on my back, this was a GREAT event for me. My life had been made manageable, my family was restored, I had a job, I had a house, but mostly I didn't have the emptiness that I usually had when I had to stay abstinent, I could feel joy again in the day to day normal activities in life, these were GREAT events for me.

This is the Great Fact for us.

This must be the GREAT fact for me. This must be the top priority in my life. I must put First Things First. The spiritual life is not a theory, I must live it.

May God bless you and keep you-until then.

Numbers 6
24 The LORD bless you and keep you!
25 The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!
26 The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Step 6 2008

This year I have looked at steps 6 and 7 as the the two parts of the process of removing character defects. This is where I "discard" my shortcomings.

Step 6 is the step where I become fully willing do my part.
Step 7 is the step where I fully allow God to do his part.

Neither step alone is sufficient to remove my character defects. I think that my tendency is to lean on one or the other too much but both of them are necessary to fully complete the process.

In step 6 I had to remember the connection between my defects of character and my disease. I had to realize that I must overcome the irritability, restlessness, and discontent, that I experience when separated from my substance of dependency. I must realize that if I am to live sober I must find a manageable life or I will go back to using and drinking.

I had to learn that I could not realize the full extent and signifigance of my defect character defects without first doing the inventory and seeing how my ideas were poorly formed. The inventory guided me to see the full extent of there destructiveness and to find a new and deeper perspective of them. In most cases I had a rearrangement of motives and became entirely willing just through the deconstruction process of the inventory.

In other cases I have a hard time becoming willing to change some of my shortcomings. This is typically because I have liked them and/or lived them for so long. I may come to realize their destructiveness but I can't get motivated to change. I may fully realize that they are selfish but my desire for them is so deep that I have a mental blank spot and can't overcome them. These things are the the habits of a lifetime and are deeply entrenched in my subconscious.

In these cases I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order to overcome their ingrained nature in me. I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order for the realization of their destructiveness to grow to the extent necessary to motivate me. I have had to repeatedly pray for willingness in order to find the necessary perseverance overcome my desire for them. Many times I couldn't remember why I needed to persevere in this step. But i just kept doing it based on my step 3 commitment.

The results of this step were a rearrangement of the driving forces that once ruled me and were the source of my discontent. I couldn't focus on character growth before practicing destruction of self-centeredness. I couldn't focus on living up to virtues like a normal person. I had focus on overcoming my defects of character to allow for virtue to build in their place.

The results have been peace of mind, sobriety, and inspiration.

Today I was able to live in the moment all day. I didn't realize until just now that I was free from the unmanageability that I was burdened with last night.

I took a customer call today at noon and didn't get to make it to the noon meeting.

I got to talk to a guy today who relapsed recently and get him going on the steps again.

I stopped at the intergroup office for books and got to meet a nice lady workig there and have a good talk with a fellow AA.

I thought a lot again today about practical answers to atheist dogma, particularly to the idea that there is no concrete evidence to prove the existence of God. I thought of how after I made an honest open-minded look at the issue and realized that many of my conceptions were no longer obstacle that it ultimately came down to an intuitive decision.

I felt an innate cetainty that God exists, that I needed God, and that God's power would vitalize me. But I also felt that this was more than an inherent feeling but rather an intuitive conclusion based on experiential evidence. I thought of an analogy of the idea of honesty. If you ask 50 people if they believe that honesty is the right way to live then most of them will answer yes. Then ask them what the evidence for that is.

Step 5 2008

Step 5 for me is about three things:

Honesty (Rigorous Honesty)
Humility (Ego Deflation)
Freedom (from Shame, Guilt, Remorse)

Honesty - I had begin learning to be honest about my thinking and my conduct. I had to learn a new concept of honesty, of honesty as clarity about reality. I had to learn about "rigorus honesty" about working through the discomfort and admitting the truth. I had to learn that just admitting my faults to God was not enough because of my own rationalization. I had to learn to open up to others. I had open up to another to break my internal dishonesty and break the cycle of rationalization. I had to learn that disclosing myself to another is the only way I can be sure to see the truth about myself.

Humility - Ego Deflation; seeing the truth about myself is a way for me to begin letting God's will be done not mine. I must be able to see the truth that my will is at best limited by the human scope of my perception and at worst, outright mentally defective. I must become able to accept that God's will is greater than mine. I must get my will out of the way to access God's Power.

Freedom - from Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Isolation. Part of doing step 5 is hearing that others have done similar things as me. Hearing that others are defective also helps break my isolation and the burden of my shame, guilt, and remorse. Getting these things out in the open relieves me of the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders. This relief takes away a major trap of my addiction.

'IT'S OKAY TO BE ME'
Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. . . . they have turned to easier methods. . . . But they had not learned enough humility. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 72-73

Insanity

When I first came to 12 Step recovery I thought that the use of the word insanity was a exaggeration. I certainly didn't believe I was insane. My idea of insanity was hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices, multiple personalities and detachment from reality.

I got here because my circumstances drove me here. I just needed to get out of the trouble I was in at my job and with the law. My life didn't look all that bad on the outside and my using was restricted to binges.

When I started hearing the stories that people told in the rooms of CA, the light of truth began to shine on the reality of my mental state. I began to remember all the things that happened during my blackouts and binges. I began to remember just how bad things were when I was in a "down cycle" of my addiction in the years past. I began to see through the wall of my denial and delusion.

I thought about how I could see the "shadow police" in the black uniforms outside of my windows and I could hear them signalling each other by whistling when I was tweaking. Those were hallucinations.

I began to realize that when I did bad things to the people I loved and did things to risk my life, their life, and our welfare that this was not sane. I saw that my ability to make decisions and choices was controlled by the power of the obsession. I related to the "Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde" story in the Big Book and realized that I was like a person with a split personality or worse a "posessed person".

When I worked the steps I saw the depth of delusion under which I was living. I began to see how much my "world view" was based on my self-centeredness rather than on objective reality. I began to see that the ideas that I lived by were not good for me or for others even though I liked them.

When I attempted to change through prayer and meditation and to take continuous inventory I began to experience "the committee" in my head. This was a lot like "hearing voices".

When I relapsed repeatedly I realized I may be one of those with "grave emotional and mental disorders". But contrary to my previous notion, this did not mean I was different. It just meant that I had the insanity of addiction. It just meant that I had fully realized it.

I grasped the reality of the disease and no longer doubted that the term "insanity" was appropriate.

It was this realization that gave me the needed willingness to "completely give myself" to the program and the spiritual life. I was finally able to surrender the defects of character that blocked me from God's grace. I was able to have the things removed that caused me irritability, restlessness and discontent. I was finally able to stay sober. I was finally able to grow in understanding and effectiveness and inspiration.

Today I treat my sin-nature as a form of insanity and strive to be mindful that it is God that restores me to sanity.

Step 2 2008

I find myself finishing my yearly step 2 meditation in the midst of the Lenten season. This month I have reflected on giving up my unhealthy dependencies that I may experience a renewed conversion. Last Sunday my spiritual literature was about the concept of God as The Living Water. I need fresh, cleam, pure water for restoration and regeneration. God is the "Living Water" which restores and regenerates my soul. Most of all with the Living Water comes inspiration, hope, love, meaning, and wholeness.

This Lent I gave up flavored drinks except for a glass of morning orange juice. Every time I have desired a flavored drink I have looked at the glass of water and thought of regenerating my dependence upon God. Then I take a refreshing drink of water. By renewing my faith in God I renew my restoration to sanity and increase the opportunity for inspiration.

I have used the image of a bottle of the Living Water as my spiritual focus point in the midst of selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.

I also reflected a lot on the idea that reason is complimentary to faith.

This month I noticed that the "Daily Reflections" text did not delve into step 2 nearly as deeply as I thought or thought possible. I felt like I did not meditate as deeply as I would have liked to from the perspective of 12 step recovery.

The idea came to me to create a list of daily readings that focus specifically on the step. Perhaps I will do this with step 3.