When I first came to 12 Step recovery I thought that the use of the word insanity was a exaggeration. I certainly didn't believe I was insane. My idea of insanity was hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices, multiple personalities and detachment from reality.
I got here because my circumstances drove me here. I just needed to get out of the trouble I was in at my job and with the law. My life didn't look all that bad on the outside and my using was restricted to binges.
When I started hearing the stories that people told in the rooms of CA, the light of truth began to shine on the reality of my mental state. I began to remember all the things that happened during my blackouts and binges. I began to remember just how bad things were when I was in a "down cycle" of my addiction in the years past. I began to see through the wall of my denial and delusion.
I thought about how I could see the "shadow police" in the black uniforms outside of my windows and I could hear them signalling each other by whistling when I was tweaking. Those were hallucinations.
I began to realize that when I did bad things to the people I loved and did things to risk my life, their life, and our welfare that this was not sane. I saw that my ability to make decisions and choices was controlled by the power of the obsession. I related to the "Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde" story in the Big Book and realized that I was like a person with a split personality or worse a "posessed person".
When I worked the steps I saw the depth of delusion under which I was living. I began to see how much my "world view" was based on my self-centeredness rather than on objective reality. I began to see that the ideas that I lived by were not good for me or for others even though I liked them.
When I attempted to change through prayer and meditation and to take continuous inventory I began to experience "the committee" in my head. This was a lot like "hearing voices".
When I relapsed repeatedly I realized I may be one of those with "grave emotional and mental disorders". But contrary to my previous notion, this did not mean I was different. It just meant that I had the insanity of addiction. It just meant that I had fully realized it.
I grasped the reality of the disease and no longer doubted that the term "insanity" was appropriate.
It was this realization that gave me the needed willingness to "completely give myself" to the program and the spiritual life. I was finally able to surrender the defects of character that blocked me from God's grace. I was able to have the things removed that caused me irritability, restlessness and discontent. I was finally able to stay sober. I was finally able to grow in understanding and effectiveness and inspiration.
Today I treat my sin-nature as a form of insanity and strive to be mindful that it is God that restores me to sanity.
