Today I was able to live in the moment all day. I didn't realize until just now that I was free from the unmanageability that I was burdened with last night.
I took a customer call today at noon and didn't get to make it to the noon meeting.
I got to talk to a guy today who relapsed recently and get him going on the steps again.
I stopped at the intergroup office for books and got to meet a nice lady workig there and have a good talk with a fellow AA.
I thought a lot again today about practical answers to atheist dogma, particularly to the idea that there is no concrete evidence to prove the existence of God. I thought of how after I made an honest open-minded look at the issue and realized that many of my conceptions were no longer obstacle that it ultimately came down to an intuitive decision.
I felt an innate cetainty that God exists, that I needed God, and that God's power would vitalize me. But I also felt that this was more than an inherent feeling but rather an intuitive conclusion based on experiential evidence. I thought of an analogy of the idea of honesty. If you ask 50 people if they believe that honesty is the right way to live then most of them will answer yes. Then ask them what the evidence for that is.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Step 5 2008
Step 5 for me is about three things:
Honesty (Rigorous Honesty)
Humility (Ego Deflation)
Freedom (from Shame, Guilt, Remorse)
Honesty - I had begin learning to be honest about my thinking and my conduct. I had to learn a new concept of honesty, of honesty as clarity about reality. I had to learn about "rigorus honesty" about working through the discomfort and admitting the truth. I had to learn that just admitting my faults to God was not enough because of my own rationalization. I had to learn to open up to others. I had open up to another to break my internal dishonesty and break the cycle of rationalization. I had to learn that disclosing myself to another is the only way I can be sure to see the truth about myself.
Humility - Ego Deflation; seeing the truth about myself is a way for me to begin letting God's will be done not mine. I must be able to see the truth that my will is at best limited by the human scope of my perception and at worst, outright mentally defective. I must become able to accept that God's will is greater than mine. I must get my will out of the way to access God's Power.
Freedom - from Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Isolation. Part of doing step 5 is hearing that others have done similar things as me. Hearing that others are defective also helps break my isolation and the burden of my shame, guilt, and remorse. Getting these things out in the open relieves me of the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders. This relief takes away a major trap of my addiction.
'IT'S OKAY TO BE ME'
Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. . . . they have turned to easier methods. . . . But they had not learned enough humility. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 72-73
Honesty (Rigorous Honesty)
Humility (Ego Deflation)
Freedom (from Shame, Guilt, Remorse)
Honesty - I had begin learning to be honest about my thinking and my conduct. I had to learn a new concept of honesty, of honesty as clarity about reality. I had to learn about "rigorus honesty" about working through the discomfort and admitting the truth. I had to learn that just admitting my faults to God was not enough because of my own rationalization. I had to learn to open up to others. I had open up to another to break my internal dishonesty and break the cycle of rationalization. I had to learn that disclosing myself to another is the only way I can be sure to see the truth about myself.
Humility - Ego Deflation; seeing the truth about myself is a way for me to begin letting God's will be done not mine. I must be able to see the truth that my will is at best limited by the human scope of my perception and at worst, outright mentally defective. I must become able to accept that God's will is greater than mine. I must get my will out of the way to access God's Power.
Freedom - from Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Isolation. Part of doing step 5 is hearing that others have done similar things as me. Hearing that others are defective also helps break my isolation and the burden of my shame, guilt, and remorse. Getting these things out in the open relieves me of the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders. This relief takes away a major trap of my addiction.
'IT'S OKAY TO BE ME'
Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. . . . they have turned to easier methods. . . . But they had not learned enough humility. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 72-73
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Insanity
When I first came to 12 Step recovery I thought that the use of the word insanity was a exaggeration. I certainly didn't believe I was insane. My idea of insanity was hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices, multiple personalities and detachment from reality.
I got here because my circumstances drove me here. I just needed to get out of the trouble I was in at my job and with the law. My life didn't look all that bad on the outside and my using was restricted to binges.
When I started hearing the stories that people told in the rooms of CA, the light of truth began to shine on the reality of my mental state. I began to remember all the things that happened during my blackouts and binges. I began to remember just how bad things were when I was in a "down cycle" of my addiction in the years past. I began to see through the wall of my denial and delusion.
I thought about how I could see the "shadow police" in the black uniforms outside of my windows and I could hear them signalling each other by whistling when I was tweaking. Those were hallucinations.
I began to realize that when I did bad things to the people I loved and did things to risk my life, their life, and our welfare that this was not sane. I saw that my ability to make decisions and choices was controlled by the power of the obsession. I related to the "Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde" story in the Big Book and realized that I was like a person with a split personality or worse a "posessed person".
When I worked the steps I saw the depth of delusion under which I was living. I began to see how much my "world view" was based on my self-centeredness rather than on objective reality. I began to see that the ideas that I lived by were not good for me or for others even though I liked them.
When I attempted to change through prayer and meditation and to take continuous inventory I began to experience "the committee" in my head. This was a lot like "hearing voices".
When I relapsed repeatedly I realized I may be one of those with "grave emotional and mental disorders". But contrary to my previous notion, this did not mean I was different. It just meant that I had the insanity of addiction. It just meant that I had fully realized it.
I grasped the reality of the disease and no longer doubted that the term "insanity" was appropriate.
It was this realization that gave me the needed willingness to "completely give myself" to the program and the spiritual life. I was finally able to surrender the defects of character that blocked me from God's grace. I was able to have the things removed that caused me irritability, restlessness and discontent. I was finally able to stay sober. I was finally able to grow in understanding and effectiveness and inspiration.
Today I treat my sin-nature as a form of insanity and strive to be mindful that it is God that restores me to sanity.
I got here because my circumstances drove me here. I just needed to get out of the trouble I was in at my job and with the law. My life didn't look all that bad on the outside and my using was restricted to binges.
When I started hearing the stories that people told in the rooms of CA, the light of truth began to shine on the reality of my mental state. I began to remember all the things that happened during my blackouts and binges. I began to remember just how bad things were when I was in a "down cycle" of my addiction in the years past. I began to see through the wall of my denial and delusion.
I thought about how I could see the "shadow police" in the black uniforms outside of my windows and I could hear them signalling each other by whistling when I was tweaking. Those were hallucinations.
I began to realize that when I did bad things to the people I loved and did things to risk my life, their life, and our welfare that this was not sane. I saw that my ability to make decisions and choices was controlled by the power of the obsession. I related to the "Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde" story in the Big Book and realized that I was like a person with a split personality or worse a "posessed person".
When I worked the steps I saw the depth of delusion under which I was living. I began to see how much my "world view" was based on my self-centeredness rather than on objective reality. I began to see that the ideas that I lived by were not good for me or for others even though I liked them.
When I attempted to change through prayer and meditation and to take continuous inventory I began to experience "the committee" in my head. This was a lot like "hearing voices".
When I relapsed repeatedly I realized I may be one of those with "grave emotional and mental disorders". But contrary to my previous notion, this did not mean I was different. It just meant that I had the insanity of addiction. It just meant that I had fully realized it.
I grasped the reality of the disease and no longer doubted that the term "insanity" was appropriate.
It was this realization that gave me the needed willingness to "completely give myself" to the program and the spiritual life. I was finally able to surrender the defects of character that blocked me from God's grace. I was able to have the things removed that caused me irritability, restlessness and discontent. I was finally able to stay sober. I was finally able to grow in understanding and effectiveness and inspiration.
Today I treat my sin-nature as a form of insanity and strive to be mindful that it is God that restores me to sanity.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Step 2 2008
I find myself finishing my yearly step 2 meditation in the midst of the Lenten season. This month I have reflected on giving up my unhealthy dependencies that I may experience a renewed conversion. Last Sunday my spiritual literature was about the concept of God as The Living Water. I need fresh, cleam, pure water for restoration and regeneration. God is the "Living Water" which restores and regenerates my soul. Most of all with the Living Water comes inspiration, hope, love, meaning, and wholeness.
This Lent I gave up flavored drinks except for a glass of morning orange juice. Every time I have desired a flavored drink I have looked at the glass of water and thought of regenerating my dependence upon God. Then I take a refreshing drink of water. By renewing my faith in God I renew my restoration to sanity and increase the opportunity for inspiration.
I have used the image of a bottle of the Living Water as my spiritual focus point in the midst of selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.
I also reflected a lot on the idea that reason is complimentary to faith.
This month I noticed that the "Daily Reflections" text did not delve into step 2 nearly as deeply as I thought or thought possible. I felt like I did not meditate as deeply as I would have liked to from the perspective of 12 step recovery.
The idea came to me to create a list of daily readings that focus specifically on the step. Perhaps I will do this with step 3.
This Lent I gave up flavored drinks except for a glass of morning orange juice. Every time I have desired a flavored drink I have looked at the glass of water and thought of regenerating my dependence upon God. Then I take a refreshing drink of water. By renewing my faith in God I renew my restoration to sanity and increase the opportunity for inspiration.
I have used the image of a bottle of the Living Water as my spiritual focus point in the midst of selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.
I also reflected a lot on the idea that reason is complimentary to faith.
This month I noticed that the "Daily Reflections" text did not delve into step 2 nearly as deeply as I thought or thought possible. I felt like I did not meditate as deeply as I would have liked to from the perspective of 12 step recovery.
The idea came to me to create a list of daily readings that focus specifically on the step. Perhaps I will do this with step 3.
Monday, February 25, 2008
What Happened?
"What happened to me"? How many times I found myself asking this question. Then I would focus on what happened looking for the key to solve the problem. Bu there was never a solution to be found, only causes for misery.
Later I found the key to solve the problem but I did not like it. This was the idea of a chronic, fatal, progressive disease that meant abstinence would be required.
Later I found that solving the spiritual malady was important but that the trauma of the past was not a requirement to have a spiritual malady. That some people who have childhood trauma and deprivation avoid a lifelong spiritual malady and some who have perfect childhood formation acquire a spiritual malady.
The only common factor is a separation from Source.
Later I found the key to solve the problem but I did not like it. This was the idea of a chronic, fatal, progressive disease that meant abstinence would be required.
Later I found that solving the spiritual malady was important but that the trauma of the past was not a requirement to have a spiritual malady. That some people who have childhood trauma and deprivation avoid a lifelong spiritual malady and some who have perfect childhood formation acquire a spiritual malady.
The only common factor is a separation from Source.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The Nature of The Disease
I just finished my January Step 1 Meditation and I had a renewed experience with the concept of the nature of the disease, that it is Chronic, Progressive, and Fatal.
The deaths of a couple of members of our fellowship confirmed this for me. I dedicate this post to Dave and Jennifer.
"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it"
Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.
"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."
Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.
"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."
Fatal - bringing death.
"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."
"Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking , there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol."
The deaths of a couple of members of our fellowship confirmed this for me. I dedicate this post to Dave and Jennifer.
"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it"
Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.
"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."
Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.
"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."
Fatal - bringing death.
"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."
"Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking , there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Putting First Things First
Today we started the story "Gutter Bravado". I noticed that in this story there was no childhood dysfunction. There was no childhood abuse or tragedy. There was no deprivation or poverty. The story teller had a spiritual upbringing. Yet he still became an alcoholic.
I observed in this and other stories that people with both good and the bad backgrounds can develop a spiritual malady or the disease of alcoholism. All that is necessary is the physical factor and human nature. In Gutter Bravado the story teller has a well formed upbringing. There is no abuse, no trauma, no poverty, no disease, no tragedy, nothing except a rebellious nature.
I found that I have to always put powerlessness first. I always have to see the lack of power, choice and control. It doesn't matter how I got that way or what started the ball rolling. I must always address powerlessness first.
It's not that past dysfunction is not important. It is about addressing the present condition first. I might need to find resolution to the past eventually but it's not what is required to get sober. In fact I can't find resolution from the bondage of the past until I find freedom from my present bondage of self.
It's about putting first things first.
I observed in this and other stories that people with both good and the bad backgrounds can develop a spiritual malady or the disease of alcoholism. All that is necessary is the physical factor and human nature. In Gutter Bravado the story teller has a well formed upbringing. There is no abuse, no trauma, no poverty, no disease, no tragedy, nothing except a rebellious nature.
I found that I have to always put powerlessness first. I always have to see the lack of power, choice and control. It doesn't matter how I got that way or what started the ball rolling. I must always address powerlessness first.
It's not that past dysfunction is not important. It is about addressing the present condition first. I might need to find resolution to the past eventually but it's not what is required to get sober. In fact I can't find resolution from the bondage of the past until I find freedom from my present bondage of self.
It's about putting first things first.
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