Spiritus Contra Spiritum

2011-12-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 88)

I once had the misfortune of experiencing the consequences of resting on my "laurels." It was the first time I worked the twelve steps. I was impelled into a recovery community where I had a spiritual experience and a psychic change. I got a sponsor, took my inventory, confessed my secrets, made amends, prayed daily and carried the message. In short, I worked the twelve steps thoroughly.

For a time I continued the daily practices. But, once I began to reap the fruits of recovery, a restored marriage, career, family, hobbies, and all sorts of other personal affairs. My spiritual activities began to drop off. The result was that one day I woke up alone in a hotel amid a relapse. I banged my fist on my head and wondered "how did this happen?"

It took me a few tries again to work the program have it stick. Each time I wondered "where did I fail?" "Did I not really mean it last time?" "Was that not really a 'vital spiritual experience'?" "Am I just never going to get it?"

I noticed (acrimoniously sometimes) that others did not have nearly as much understanding, belief, or devotion to the twelve step process as I felt that I did. Some did not practice the steps as thoroughly nor know as much about them as I did. In fact, I felt like I was one of "the winners" subgroup. But, why was it that some of them stayed sober and I didn't.

I also noticed that some people did some things more thoroughly, for longer, than I did. Some people continued to write inventory daily. Some devoted more focused time in meditation. Some went to more meetings than I was willing to go to (especially further along into their recovery). But none of what they did was not in the book, they just followed it more precisely, for longer, than I did.

Long story short, I eventually found the willingness to keep sobriety a priority past the six month mark and beyond. I made it past the hump and it stuck. The answer for me was to keep up my spiritual program of action, even after I experienced a recovered life and busier affairs.

I like to draw a parallel to physical fitness. I know how to eat right, work out, and keep fit. I believe in physical fitness, and I could preach it well. But, I don't actually practice a fitness program. Fortunately for me I have a high metabolism and am thin so I appear fit. I know some folks who are heavier that me but work out every day. If they had to run 3 miles to save their life, they could. But I might not make it.

Thus it is with spiritual fitness. Other people might not have to work at it. They might just have to commit to moral good and be able to pull it off. I on the other hand have experienced spiritual malady and recurrence after recovery. I must practice a spiritual program of action to keep spiritually fit.

The bonus is that I get a life that is better than good.

2011-11-11T19:59:00.001-08:00

Why do I need to pray for willingness? I thought it was odd that people talked so much about willingness and even more so that some would pray for it. To me it seemed a simple act that was already undertaken. But once I followed the seemingly irrelevant act of praying the "willingness prayer" for 7 days in row. I only complied because I was absolutely desperate. The crazy thing was that it worked. After 3 days or so, I had a complete change of attitude. My problem lost it's relevance and I gained a sense of motivation to engage in recovery.

But still the concept was an enigma for me. Later it came up again when I was trying to take step 2 of the 12 steps. It wasn't so much that I couldn't intellectualize that belief in a Higher Power could restore me to sanity, but more that i couldn't become willing to believe that It/(He?) would. So before moving to step 3, I gave up my exertion to find it and just prayed to Him for willingness. Long story short, it worked! I woke up and had a period of spiritual ecstasy (delirum?) in which all my objections shifted to connections.

Later again, when I completed my inventory, I found character defects that I knew were problematic but I didn't want to let go. I got honest with my sponsor in step 5 and told him so. He guided me to the part of step 6 that suggests that if we are not entirely ready to let them go then we should pray for willingness. I realized then that willingness was not a simple act. Or at least, not just a simple act.Willingness was an attitude as well. I had only ever thought of the act superficially. The attitude encompassed a few dimensions that are important to the process of recovery such as favorable disposition, inclination, by choice, without reluctance, and by the will.

Tonight at a meeting we read about willingness related to step 3 from the Twelve and Twelve. That willingness is the key to the door to commitment. I thought of the idea of the balance sheet. The balance of willingness to unwillingness.

Today someone spoke to me about the need for commitment strategies. Hmm, perhaps a good strategy would be to examine the motivational balance sheet.

A Bold Proposition

2010-11-30T22:45:00.000-08:00

"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. " Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 101

The first time I read this statement it stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought that I had read it wrong and had to reread it. Perhaps I was having trouble understanding the wording, surely it meant the opposite. What I had read so far had little specific advice for practices to avoid drinking. There was no step that said "Avoid slippery people and slippery places." I had predicted it would come in this chapter ("Working with Others"), or possibly in "To Wives."

Then it struck me what a bold statement this was! Especially so in light of the circumstances at the time the text was drafted. At that time there were 100 members, none of which had more than 3-5 years of sobriety. They were trying to get this fledgling organization off the ground and build credibility. The safe thing to do would have been to either make a cautious minimal statement about safe places and people, or to avoid the subject altogether. But instead they chose to stick to their conviction that recovery was primarily dependent upon a psychic change.

I remember thinking that the founders either took a reckless gamble, had a naive belief, or experienced a truly convincing miracle. At this point it resonated so deeply with me that I became convinced myself. At the time I was struggling with step 2 and this was a critical building block of my belief. I knew to my core that they were right, no matter where I went I would find an Eskimo with some booze and an eight ball. The only shield that would work would be a psychic one.

This proved itself out for me in the days, months and years following the step work and spiritual awakening. I moved back into my home and realized it was the most slippery place of all, especially my bathroom on a Friday night. I remembered the family and business events that I went to where drinking took place. Drinking friends and drug dealers attended and invariably tempted and propositioned me, but I had spiritual tools and resilience to protect me from a slip.

For me the best practices for slippery situations have been preventative ones. True that taking a friend, using the phone, having an exit strategy are all essentials, but they are useless if I am not spiritually fit. The best actions are daily prayer, meditation, continued inventory, regular fellowship, and working with others. In short steps 10, 11, and 12, the spiritual fitness tools.

The text does give some advice and qualifications for going to places where there is drinking, I thought it best to list them:

"if we have a legitimate reason for being there."
"Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?"
"be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good."
"if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!"

The only other measure that I use as an addict is that I do not need to be anywhere that illegal activities are occurring, period. The moment that anything illegal occurs I no longer have a legitimate reason to be there.
These principals help me to make the decisions without having to rely on my feelings. I must remember that I can't trust my feelings in these matters.

Such Unfortunates

2010-08-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates.... There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 64.

It was a hot, oppressive Texas evening as I sat in my chair at the 12 step meeting where I started this term in sobriety. The windows seemed to loom over me and scoff at the validity of my willingness. I couldn't blame anyone if they chose not to sit with me, but instead to "stick with the winners." I almost wanted to give up and check out, but I stayed for my son whom I so desperately wanted to be there for.

As the meeting got under way my mind bounced back and forth like a pinball from question to question, why couldn't I get it? What happened to me? How could I have failed again? I had finally been willing to take the 12 steps. I had had a spiritual experience. I had recovered. I had been one of the winners, yet I relapsed.

This was not so bad, as many first timers have a slip, but I then went through a year of repeated attempts, and repeated failures, six in all. Perhaps I was one of those "unfortunates" who was destined to go through the revolving door until the bitter end.

Then the standard reading started "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path... There are such unfortunates." I thought "Wait a second, this reading is about psychopaths or sociopaths, men without conscience, who were constitutionally incapable of being honest." Could I be a sociopath? Then the reader got to the part stating "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders..." Suddenly I realized, possibly for the first time, that this was a point of distinction from those "unfortunates." They could not be describing the psychopath because that certainly qualified as a grave mental disorder.

I wondered then who they were describing. What type of disordered person was incapable of being honest? Was this just a construct of self-righteous, religious morality as the emphasis on honesty always seemed to infer to me? Then I re-read the passage and realized that it said that they were "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." It dawned on me that this sounded a lot like denial. But, if this were the case then wouldn't that be all alcoholics and addicts? If so, what distinguishes them from those who do recover?

The answer was right there in the reading, "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program," But I had done this, I had given myself. I looked around the room and thought about how I had become more knowledgeable about the steps and been more thorough than 50% of the room. Yet why had they stayed sober and not me? Just as I thought about this, the reader was reading steps 10, 11, and 12. I thought about how I had resisted being thorough about writing an evening review, about how I didn't have time to pray or meditate until I got in the car to go to work, about going to meetings for what I could get, not to try and carry the message, about not following my sponsor's advice to do a regular H&I because I did not think I was as bad an addict as him.

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." "That's it" I thought, I have been measuring my thoroughness by what I think the other people in the rooms do, not by the path of the founders. Being thorough probably means following the specific directions as written.

Thus my willingness was passed on to me from those that had also been constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. I had a new experience with the first step of step one, "We admitted."

That was six years ago as I write this. I have received the willingness to go to any lengths ever since then. Tonight when this was presented as the topic of the same group, I was thinking back through my life to try to carry this message. I remembered this experience and realized it was the anniversary. I was amazed at how God carried the message to me, just as I was trying to carry the message to them, and my faith was renewed once again.

Thanks be to God.

The Actor

2010-06-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous." ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 61

I originally thought that simply doing God's will and taking a personal inventory were not the real path to sobriety for me because I was a person of good morality, good will, and good conduct, except for my drinking and using.

I was just an actor then. My morality was a superficial act put on so that I could get along and get what I wanted. I had some realization of conformity but I didn't truly know the nature of the workings of the psyche and I was limited by my self-centered perspective.

When I took the inventory I found that there is a deeper level at which my morality and conduct operated in which my discontent (that led to my drinking) was formed. I didn't realize that people could be so good on the outside but be so bad on the inside. But I realized that I did know this all along!? Yet I lived in this delusion! I learned how I truly needed the power of commitment to God and the perspective of others to break the distorted perception of my self-centeredness.

   Today I have to ask myself, "Am I still the actor who wants to run the whole show?" Am I truly willing to let God run the show, or am I trying to wrest satisfaction and happiness from this world by managing well? I can still fall into the trap of becoming the actor in sobriety.

  Am I living in spiritual make-believe where I tell myself that I am spiritually virtuous and self-sacrificing but life doesn't treat me well? Am I trying to manage too many things or accomplish too much in the time I have under the justification that they are morally righteous? Am I discontent over my unrealized ambitions?
Am I setting expectations for the moral and spiritual conduct of others? Do I have a simmering discontent over the circumstances in my life? Do I live in a delusion?

   God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!

Who are We?

2010-04-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. Alcoholics Anonymous Pg. 17

From the time I first began attending 12 step meetings I noticed what seemed to be two sets of voices. There were those who talked explicitly about their past and their problems, but vaguely about the solution. Then there were those who spoke in general terms about the past, but precisely about their nature and how to recover. I saw the merits of both, but those who talked too much about the program of action seemed rigid and shrill to me, even though they made sense and seemed more forthright.

Being that I was rationally undisciplined, and identified more with drugalogues and issues, I gravitated toward the easier way. The bunch that did not say things that pressured me with any difficult ideas were much more attractive to me. This path was broader and less demanding. But, I could not find the stable and lasting sobriety that I needed.

The identification, friendship, and support that I receive from the fellowship is great catalyst for beginning recovery, it is indispensable, but it has a shelf life. I will eventually run dry unless I take action to get connected to a Higher Power. I am grateful for those who stood by the principles of the program and were not dissuaded by the desire to please everyone. I was able to remember their perspective when I needed to consider what I should do different.

I had to come back to the 12 step fellowships several times before realizing lasting sobriety. I found the willingness to commit myself to the spiritual solution and to practice it. When I orient myself to the part the sober network that guides me to do the work, I establish and maintain an unlimited connection to that Power which is God.

This being said, I have found that if all I talk about is the work, then I don't make that connection to the addict who is still suffering. It is very easy for me to get on a spiritual mountain top and think that identification is not important. I have to make a conscious and deliberate effort to balance my attitude to include both elements of the cement that binds us.

Today I am bound to my fellows by what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.

Step 4

2010-04-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg. 64

I often took stock of things when I would try and get sober. I would look at my finances, my physical fitness, my housekeeping, the upkeep of my vehicles, etc. But I could never bring myself to take a thorough look at my ideas and beliefs. The thought of taking moral inventory was highly objectionable to me. After taking step 2 I began realizing that my I had undue revulsion for this and I began to question it. I realized that my distorted sense of morality was defending itself from inquiry. This is where my addiction lived. It was afraid to have the light of truth shine in and reveal it for what it was. I was afraid.

The fourth step is the key to unlock the door of denial and to allow me to move out of self-centeredness.

5 Steps to Conflict Resolution

2010-04-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

1. Self Control and Self Searching - I can't be objective or rational if I can't control my emotions. Step away and calm down. Search out the source of my misdirected instinct.
2. Own my motives and actions - Ask myself: What have I done to contribute to this situation? Are any of my needs or actions based on misdirected instinct instead of rational thinking? Think of what I can control, my feelings and actions. Let go of what I can't control, the other person's feelings or actions.
3. Be Contrite (or Willing) - Surrender my willfulness and ask God for forgiveness, strength, and healing. Base my sense of resolution on our well being not on the circumstances or outcome. Change my attitude to embrace recovery over revenge. Consider that the resentment and broken relationship may be more harmful than the circumstances of the wrong (or perceived wrong). If I struggle with this, at least consider that contrition is the best policy be willing to let God change me.
4. Empathize - Forgive the other person, put myself in their shoes. Allow the other person to own their own feelings, or be wrong. Trust that they will change on their own time frame. Be willing to admit and fully accept the wrongs that I commit.
5. Restitution - Make amends. Admit my own faults and apologize to them verbally as soon as possible. Make restitution as soon as possible if needed. Remember action speaks louder than words!

The Lord's Prayer for Addicts

2010-03-17T09:05:00.001-07:00

This morning this prayer came to mind. I don't mean to suggest a different Lord's prayer and I never use different wording when I say the Lord's prayer but thinking about the meaning of each statement led me to think about this.

Our Father who art in Heaven,

Awesome be thy name,

Thy sanity come,

Thy will be done,

In reality, as it is in spirit,

Give us this day our daily strength,

and, forgive us our shortcomings,

as we forgive those who offend us,

Lead us, not into temptation,

but deliver us from our addiction,

For Thine is the power, peace, happiness,

and sense of direction,

Amen

Step 1 Reflections 2010

2010-01-31T06:27:00.000-08:00

We Admitted - When I came into AA I thought that I had already done step one. After all I was here wasn't I?   I found companionship and support to "put the plug in the jug" from the people in the rooms. I thought that it was just a matter of staying willing.

In time however, I lost this willingness.   Once things got better and the tangible effect of the consequences wore off, I drank again.

I realized that this had been my cycle for all of my drinking life, I would become very willing at the end of a year of binges and would sober up for a while and then I would invariably start the cycle over again, sometimes unwittingly.

But something else happened for me in the rooms that went with me into my drinking life. I became acutely aware of the extreme contradiction of my behavior. I began to experience a dissonance that left me more deeply disturbed every time I drank.

Eventually I returned to AA to try again knowing that I needed to capitalize on my willingness before it faded.   The message about the insane duality of the alcoholic (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) resonated with me.   This got me to focus on step one.   In reading in the book and listening to sharing about step one I learned about the disease concept and the grave nature of powerlessness.   This was something that I had never known about before even though I had lived it forever.

I believe that the "taking" of step one is in the real admission, the acceptance of the truth of the nature of alcoholism, not in the experience of drinking and misery. I knew to some extent that I had a problem and that I needed to stop for years. I even called myself an alcoholic sometimes, but I did not truly understand what that meant and it's full implication until I came to AA.

I found a new willingness and motivation to stay and do the work. The mystery began to unravel from there and I began to receive the keys to build a foundation of recovery.

Thanks be to God and to AA for the truth that allows me to find freedom.

Step 12 Reflections 2009

2009-12-29T06:11:00.001-08:00

Having had a Spiritual Awakening - When I first considered the Twelve Steps I immediately scanned down to the twelfth step for the payoff. I expected to find that I would get control of my drinking, and gain material success and prosperity as a result of working these steps. I was sorely disappointed to find that I would have a “spiritual awakening”. I thought this was pie in the sky stuff and didn’t understand what that had to do with getting sober. I didn’t bother to take the steps.

I tried to stay sober by “putting the plug in the jug”, going to lots of meetings, changing playmates and playpens, and taking psychotherapy. This was “my” program. I never did work and I could not stay sober.

As a Result of these Steps - When I hit a lower bottom I got more desperate to get sober and stay sober and I became willing go to any lengths. I was shown that the twelve steps were the program of recovery, no steps; no program, no program; no recovery (for me, for my type).

When I took the steps I was shown that my life was unmanageable and that this was why I could not stay sober. I learned that this was the result of a spiritual sickness. I read in the Big Book that when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

    When I took all twelve steps I received much more than I expected. I received power, peace, happiness, and a sense of direction. I received an understanding that these things were the real meaning, the real source of fulfillment in life.

    The Spiritual Awakening is ineffable, it can’t be explained, it can only be experienced, but it is a greater treasure than any material prosperity that I could imagine.

We Tried to carry this message - became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help. The step doesn't ask me to help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober.   What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him. With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems. I first have to teach him to put first things first.   That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

And Practice these Principles - Walk the walk not just talk the talk. Part of what sold me was the idea of constructive action. This is what was different than religion as I had previously conceived it. It was a process of constructive action and belief. Still once I had gone through the work and some time went by I fell into faith without works and relapsed. When I reconstructed what went wrong I found that it was a matter of truly internalizing this consept, faith without works is dead.

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. Alcoholics Anonymous, p.19

In All of our Affairs -    For me the “all of my affairs” part of step 12 is about putting these principles (such as love, tolerance, and forgiveness) into practice in my daily life .

    There have been times when I studied, believed in, and could tell you all about these principles but I didn’t actually put much effort into practicing them. The result was a stressful, antagonistic, unmanageable life – and sometimes relapse. I found that it’s not enough for me to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.

    Also, it is easy for me to talk about these things in meetings and practice them with my AA friends but the hard part is to practice these ideas outside of the rooms where others may not reciprocate. If I do not practice them in ALL of my affairs then I am only doing half measures and the result is nil. I can not compartmentalize my spiritual life or I become my own god.

    This program is no different than some forms of secular morality except for the higher power part (and it’s primary purpose). But I have never been able to fully realize these convictions based on the scope of my own reasoning ability. There were always some situations, people, causes, or institutions that I could not tolerate or forgive based on the values of my limited vision (my justice). It was only when I chose to live by the directives of a Higher Power that I was able to realize the fullness of fellowship with others and the power to overcome my obsession.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

2009-12-22T08:37:00.000-08:00

When I was in treatment for addiction there were three individuals in there that intrigued me, a counselor, a cop, and a preacher. At the time I was struggling to find faith and the spiritual life. I questioned the validity of recovery if here were three men who were experts in psychology, morality, and spirituality that ended up in treatment.

I asked the counselor why he couldn't stay sober if hew was an expert in recovery programs. He told me that he believed in recovery and the spiritual life but he did not have a spiritual life of his own. He could teach everyone else how to get sober but he could not stay sober himself.

I asked the cop why he was in trouble if he was a law keeper. He said that he always believed in God and his law. That's why he was a cop, to make sure everyone else followed the law. But, he did not have his own spiritual life and as a consequence he himself could not follow the law.

I asked the preacher why he could not stay sober if he had faith. He said that believed wholeheartedly in God and the spiritual life. He could teach everyone else about theology and the spiritual life and administer this for them. But, he had lost his own spiritual life and he could not live rightly himself.

These guys taught me a simple lesson, "faith without works is dead".

This explained to me why so many people of faith were hypocrites, not because faith doesn't work but, because people don't do the work to get or keep their faith. It all made sense to me then and I had a feeling deep within that I could now find faith.

I had to learn this lesson for myself later down the road when I found recovery and had some time and lost it. I looked back at my program and saw that I had been thorough. I had several relapses and saw that each time the conditions prior to relapse were different except for one common thread. I had quit doing the spiritual work consistently and my faith had died.

Today I try and keep the spiritual life first above all things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
For just as a body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.
James 2:26

Step 11 Reflection 2009

2009-11-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

Prayer and meditation is essential to the cultivation of recovery and wellness. It is daily process of behavioral planning, programming, and the spiritual life. This is a life skill that is indispensable and rewarding. It is a practice that can result in a high functioning life.

Building the practice - In the beginning I often did not feel anything out it, understand it, get anything, or do it very well. But, I was beginning and building the practice and got a sense of constructive effort and felt a sense of growth by looking at the cumulative effort.

Building a better self - When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living. Prayer and meditation is the process of amending the character. It is the process of building effective thinking, emotional control, and good behaviors. This deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a high functioning life that is greater than good.

Building a connection to God - When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness. I build a spiritual life and place this in the correct priority as the most important action in the process of wellness cultivation. This comes through improved conscious contact with God. This is the process of divine filiation. It is what we are designed for.

Building strength of faith - I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith. I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious. I thought of how this is a way one would actualize the Placebo Effect.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:6-9

A Sense of Direction

2009-11-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

The emphasis of my 12 Step work must be upon God and His will. I must be careful that I do not lean too heavily on my own efforts or on the 12 Step fellowship. Here is a visual to describe this.

I had often heard the 5 things to do to stay sober (particularly when exiting a treatment center). They are usually some variation of these.

Go to Meetings
Get a Sponsor
Read the Big Book
Pray and Meditate (or Work The Steps)
Do Service Work (or Help Others)

The pyramid illustrates how much power I get from them. The largest part of the pyramid is the base, in service and the steps. The smallest parts of the pyramid are meetings and sponsor.

The power I get through doing the work is most effective if I am doing it in the spirit of service to God and others. This is where most of my efforts should be. At the beginning I was upside down in that most of my time was spent in meetings and with my sponsor and the Big Book. Later I often got this upside down in continuing to place my dependence mostly upon making meetings and asking my sponsor to solve my problems. To keep my experience alive and healthy (vital), I must be of maximum service to God and my fellows so I must get the pyramid right side up.

A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
There is a Solution, page 28

The "Vital" Spiritual Experience

2009-11-20T11:03:00.000-08:00

A Hundred Forms of Self

2009-10-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity".

This morning I finally felt well enough to go to a meeting after a week with the flu. I knew I needed to go because it had not been to a meeting in a week but, I found myself struggling against the idea. that I had a hundred other things that seemed to be more important. I thought about how all these things were critical to life maintenance and I was way behind on them because I had been sick. but then I remembered that meetings were of primary importance, but why? The thought crossed my mind that drinking or using was the farthest thing from my mind so I am not in any danger right?.

At that moment my mind started to debate the idea of whether or not I needed to go. I caught myself and halted the debate based on my third step commitment. I recalled that I long ago considered all the reasons why I needed to go to do these things and that I made a decision based on thorough consideration. I decided then that I would always do them first and ask questions later. I also remembered that many times I had relapsed without any thoughts whatsoever about using or drinking so I can't rely on that as a measure.

I realized at that point that my willingness had been depleted. I wondered why this was. I hadn't willfully neglected any of my spiritual activities or had any major moral inequities, so why was it that I was spiritually disconnected?

The reading in the meeting was from page 62 about selfishness. As people shared about how self centerdness affected them I realized that that had been my problem. They described how being centered on themselves had disconnected them from God's will and power. I realized that even though I had done my personal spiritual activities I had been isolated for 7 days. I had spent too much time with me!

This got me thinking about my experience with the concept of self-centeredness when I first took the 12 steps. I had always thought of self-centeredness as a sort of greed or of a "me first" attitude.   I had long understood that this was a problematic moral defect and had clear consequences. Because I understood this I didn't think this was my problem.   I had long ago radically changed my behavior and was very considerate of others and I liked to share everything.

Back then my problem was that my conception was not complete. When I went through the step study and the moral inventory I discovered new dimensions to the idea. The reading says that we were "Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity". I realized that self-centeredness could take a lot of different forms than just greed. It could also mean that I was too centered on what I think and feel to the extent that my perception is distorted and I get into a feedback loop that causes me a cascade of emotions and instincts that impedes my ability to make rational decisions. I had thought of myself as an objective, logical, and reasonable person who just had a chemical imbalance. But my real problem was my self-based mental programming.

My problem today was that I had been isolated for 7 days I had fallen into this state of self-centered perspective.   This is what was causing my impairment of vision.   I also began to realize that my mind was repressing feelings of inadequacy from being unproductive. So not only was I unclear about putting first things first (3 meetings a week) but I also experiencing stormy emotions and in denial about them.

I also saw that I don't have to neglect my spiritual work or commit any willful sins to have this problem. Sometimes things like being sick can lead me into isolation and therefore self-centeredness. Nevertheless the solution always lies with me.   I must take the action required to be rid of self. And I can never entirely be rid of self without God's help.

Faith Means Courage

2009-09-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been in several Twelve Step meetings that have been about surrender, fear, and fear of surrender. Coincidentally, I've been working with someone on a moral inventory and reviewing fear.

Typically the question comes up: "How do I learn to surrender when all my life I have been taught that I have to fight at all costs to survive (or succeed)?".

This was exactly how I felt when I was trying to learn to live by these new principles. I grew up with a lot of ideas about fierce self-reliance like "You have to fight for your right", "Never surrender", "never give up", "never say die", "never say never again", "keep your mouth shut", and "Never apologize it's a sign of weakness". I was taught this is what it means to be a man.

I thought about the reading in the AA Big Book on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage.

"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I thought about how it also states that we "never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator". I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked by the idea of courage to talk about faith rather than courage to live by faith. It seems to me that the context before and after is all about living by faith. Perhaps he meant to say something like:

"We never fear the way of depending upon our creator. We must set aside our old idea that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never let doubt deter us from depending upon God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I don't mean to suggest that the Big Book needs to be re-written. I'm just trying to distill out what the book says to me about faith as the way of strength.

It has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside self reliance and depend upon God. In fact it sometimes seems like a real fight. What happened to me is that initially I had to surrender the fight to have things my way. But then, I had to learn to fight my will and the ways of the world to do God's will. It really didn't feel like a surrender for long before it started to feel like a new fight.

But now I am no longer fighting alone for a futile cause. Now I am fighting the good fight with a Leader and a team as my strength. When I completely give myself to Him, pray for him to remove my fear, follow his word, work with others, join in communion with the church, the saints and the angels, I am galvanized and achieve that which I have never been able to accomplish on my own.

Thanks be to God!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."
-Matthew 19:26

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Rigorous Honesty

2009-07-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

I thought about how I originally gave this a cursory reading thinking that it referred to pathological types with other more severe psychological disorders than alcoholism or addiction. I thought that those unfortunates were those who were lifelong criminals, or psychopaths, or social degenerates.

I also read this with a pre-conception of the term dishonest as referring to willful or or consentual lying. I also thought of dishonesty strictly in relation to interpersonal conduct.

But then one day I read it differently. This happened when I was coming back from relapse and was especially desperate, baffled, and despondent. I realized that it said that they were incapable of being honest with themselves. This started me thinking that this was referring to internal dishonesty. I realized that this could refer to the dynamic of denial and delusion. I realized that my conception may be preventing me from understanding this reading. I realized that in this context it could refer to me.

I thought that perhaps there might be an answer for me here. I realized that the description of those that failed could apply to all of us except for the part about thoroughly following the path. That I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself sounded like it referred to the idea that "of myself" I was not able to defeat my denial. That would apply to all addict/alcoholics except for those that thoroughly followed our path and gave themselves completely to this simple program.

I considered that perhaps I had not given myself completely to the program and/or thoroughly followed their path. But I thought to myself that I had given myself completely to my program and that I had thoroughly followed the path of everyone else in the fellowship, in some cases more thoroughly than some people who stayed sober.

Then it dawned on me that where it said "our" it referred to the people who wrote the book not the people in the current fellowship (except for those that followed the book). Then it dawned on me that I had been unwilling to thoroughly follow the precise instructions (the path) as outlined in the book. I had also been unwilling to give myself completely to this simple program, preferring to rely more on the fellowship rather than the program.

I also saw that the paragraph ended by saying that they are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of LIVING which demanded rigorous honesty. Could this refer to the same type of denial about my other hang ups in life? Just being back from relapse and seeing some truth about myself I had to say yes! By not admitting the truth about my disordered instincts, emotions, desires, values, and judgments I had not completely given myself to this simple program.

I decided to follow their path thoroughly for 24 hours. I would commit to a rigorously honest self appraisal, I would make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, I would get a sponsor today, I would write some inventory that night, I would pray and meditate in the morning, I would try to carry this message in a meeting today, and I would practice these principals in all my affairs not just talk about them.

Therein was the key to my sobriety and it is still so today.

Thanks be to God.

The Hyphen

2009-06-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to a meeting and the topic was "Patience". I remembered that when I first came to 12 Step fellowships for my addiction I didn't have much patience for topics like patience. I remembered that my thoughts were so overwhelmed by my addiction that I just couldn't see what these types of topics had to do with it.

I realized that this was one of my main objections to the whole 12 Step program in general; the idea that I needed to address my moral conduct. All I could think about was the conflict of pain, fear, and obsession that I had. I had problems like welts on my arms, triggers, fear of losing my job, house, and family, and a mind that couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to use. I thought it was these things that the recovery program needed to be about, not my moral conduct.

When I finally took the steps I found the answer in the hyphen in Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".

In the second part of the step it says that our "lives" and not our "drinking or using" had become unmanageable. I often heard that this referred to the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. But, to me that would mean that my using and drinking had become unmanageable not my "life". Then I noticed that the program from step 3 on addresses my conduct in my "life" not my drinking and using. This seems to validate that it truly does refer to my "life".

So then I wondered why there was a hyphen (-) there and not the word "and". If it refers to my "life" then shouldn't it say "and" our lives had become unmanageable? I thought that the hyphen seemed to connect my unmanageable life back to my powerlessness which would validate the notion that my "life" being unmanageable referred to my powerlessness over drinking and using.

It was later when I was studying (doing) the moral inventory that the answer was revealed for me.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
In broader terms it meant that emotional, moral, or spiritual disturbances in any part of my "life" cause a disconnection from the Power that removes the obsession to drink.

The hyphen (-) means that my powerlessness over drinking and using is directly connected to my unmanageable life. It means that solving the problem of the unmanageable life is the critical to solving the problem of addiction.

I think that conversely it may also compare my unmanageable "life" back to my addiction therefore the hyphen also means "and". That like my powerlessness over the substances, that I lack power to manage my disordered motives, feelings, values, decisions, and conduct (my life). Perhaps that's why step 2 states that we will be restored to "sanity" not just "sobriety" and Step 7 asks God to remove our defects of character.

Thanks be to God for managing my life and keeping me clean and sober today.

Insanity

2009-05-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."

This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I finally became willing to work the 12 Steps I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this type of insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Spiritual Fitness

2009-05-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Last night at our meeting the topic was the paragraph about step 7 and the beginning of step 8 finishing with the following sentence.

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

I thought of the common thread of spiritual fitness which is referred to in the 10th step.

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

I thought about the parallel with physical fitness. Like physical fitness, spiritual fitness is something that must be developed and maintained to be of maximum effectiveness.

I recently experienced an example of this when I had to help with m son's little league. I thought myself to be physically fit because I am not overweight and I don't have any acute physical ailments. But when it came to actually doing a lot of running, and catching, and throwing in the warm summer, I was quickly sucking wind, inflexible, uncoordinated, and too weak to endure.

While I believed and understood all about fitness, and looked good. I wasn't actually in condition to do even minor exertion. In order to truly be in fit physical condition I need to run, work out, and follow a nutritional program.

The same applies to my spiritual condition. In m first attempts at sobriety I did varying degrees of half measures. Sometimes I did the work and got into fit spiritual condition but then didn't keep it up. I believed in spiritual concepts and principles but I had no power to apply them. When I hit trials and low spots I relapsed.

In order to access the power that restores me to sanity I must do my spiritual strength building in prayer and meditation. In order to access the power that gives me joy in life I must do my spiritual endurance and flexibility training in service and sacrifice.

Empty On The Inside

2009-01-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

This evening I got to go to the Book Study meeting. We read the personal story "Empty on the Inside". I related to the author where she spoke of being a neglectful parent. I experience that same sense of vacancy when I didn't have enough love to give to my child. I remember feeling like I was sucking the life out of him rather than nurturing him with the love that he needed in such a critical and vulnerable time in his development. I remember being hung over and feeling empty, remorseful, and hopeless. and then holding him tight and getting the only sense of meaning present in my life.

I also related to the author when she spoke of feeling like everyone else had been handed the instructions in life except her. I felt like this even though I did have a good set of life skills. I was good at my jobs, good at academics, good at getting along with people, good at arts, good at sports, good at health and hygiene, a good citizen, etc., etc. But I still felt like everyone else had the instructions to life and I missed it. I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't keep intimate relationships, I couldn't find meaning in life, I couldn't live up to my potential, I couldn't stop getting high. It was like the life skills wheel I saw at the middle school, there was an empty hole in the middle where God should be.

The Big Book taught me the model of correction of my inner self and how to connect to God at the center. Thus my life skills have become better formed and truly useful. I now have meaning and purpose and love in my life and I can be useful to other people. I am blessed with children that I do not neglect and I no longer feel empty on the inside.

I AM A MIRACLE

2009-01-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

AT 7:00 this morning I opened my garage door and looked out at the street in front of my house and it looked like a war zone. There were piles of fireworks remnants and cannon shells all over the place from the party last night. I thought to myself that there were probably many people who would wake up today and feel like that street looked.

I thought about what a miracle it is that I don't have to feel like a war zone in my head today. I thought about what a miracle it is that I didn't have to drink last night or any night for the past year and a few before that.

I thought about the first New Year's party that I drank. I had a flashback to it the other night. I was sitting with the baby and the kids were watching Charlie Brown New Year. I suddenly remembered that I had identified with him leading up to that New Year's party in 1974. I too was anticipating the worry that I would make a fool out of myself, that I wouldn't be able to talk to the girls, that I wouldn't be able to dance, and that I would be perceived as boring and uncool. I went to the party with a Charlie Brown conception of myself and it was just like that until IT happened. My friend snuck me my first full glass of alcohol, it was champagne.

Something inconceivable happened to me when I drank that glass. Suddenly the world shifted. Suddenly the party no longer felt like the Charlie Brown New Year, it felt like Saturday Night Fever and I felt like Tony Manero! Suddenly I was bold and bullet proof and could talk to the ladies and dance like i was on Soul Train. Suddenly I felt like everybody respected me and I was on fire!

That night didn't end well. We were only allowed a few drinks but I started craving more liquor and started sneaking it. I drank too much and got caught, I got so loaded that I tried to hit on my friend's mom. I burned my hair and I was crawling on the floor crying. When they drove me home I fell out of the car in front of my parents house, and puked my guts. My parents got into a huge argument with the parent who had the party.

The next day my head and body felt like a war zone. Nothing even close to that bad had ever happened to me in my life. I remembered all of the bad stuff that had happened and none of the good stuff. I swore I would never drink again.

A few days or weeks later my friend reminisced with me about the good parts of the party. Suddenly the memory of how good drinking felt to me came rushing back. I actually remembered what the euphoric feeling felt like not just the confidence that it gave me. I could remember what was so bad about it that I swore it off. My friend and I went out and got loaded again. Thus began a pattern that would dog me for the next 25 years.

Normal people don't react like that to alcohol. Alcohol doesn't change the world for most people. Most people don't crave more so much that they can't stop. Normal people don't have the sort of problems with control that I had.

Most people don't have the sorts of problems with the consequences of drinking that I had. Most people eventually stop and don't start again when these things happen. I never couldn't remember what was so bad that I had to swear it off. I always drank again.

I had many unhappy New Years after that. The holiday came to be a time that I would dread. I remember not making it to midnight a lot of years. I remember disappearing on a binge a lot on New Years. I remember a lot of crying and pain and heartache. It always felt like a war zone.

It's a miracle that people who drank like me can get sober.
It's a miracle that people whose lives got screwed up so bad can get such good lives back.
It's a miracle that people whose minds suffered such damage can find joy again.

I tried for years to get sober through will power and self control. I achieved improvement and success in many areas of my life but could never get control over my drinking. It took a miracle for that to happen.

Thanks be to God for that miracle!

I Was Good at Quitting

2008-12-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

Today at the noon meeting we read from Bill's story. I related to his experience in the years of his alcoholism. Like him I had many signs of my addiction but I could not admit I was an alcoholic. I had many wake up calls and bottoms when I would resolve to control my addiction. I found myself quitting drinking many times.

There were many events that prompted me to get sober: anger from my loved ones, extreme binges, lost relationships, lost interests, sordid behavior, lost reputation, lost health, physical damage, lost self worth, financial problems, lost jobs, lost possessions, and lost freedom.

Each of these worked for a time or two but would all fail when the thought of the feeling of the next drunk or high would obscure the memory of the pain.

There were many ways in which I managed to get clean: changing substances, changing addresses, changing jobs, changing friends, changing lovers, changing lifestyle, changing politics, changing music, and changing habits.

Each one of these would work for a while but I always had a problem with the idea that I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking like a normal person again.

There were many control mechanisms that I began to resort to when all else failed: moving back home, letting someone manage my finances, getting probation, going to jail, and finally rehabs and AA.

Each of these worked for a time but eventually I drank and got high on probation, I drank and got high in jail, and I drank and got high after rehab.

When I drank and got high in AA I finally had a last gasp wake up call.

I knew that I could no longer rely on any form of material or external method to control my addiction. I knew that I would need the most extreme method of control. I would need a complete psychological re-formation. I would need to have a revolutionary psychic change.

I did something radically different, I surrendered to the idea of a spiritual solution.

I worked the steps without ceasing,
I allowed the process to change my thinking,
I completely gave myself to this simple program.

We Admitted - Another Look

2008-11-15T02:05:00.000-08:00

We - me, you(alcoholic's/addict's), and God

Admitted - At the beginning of step one, your (alcoholic's/addict's) stories and God's grace helped me surrender my denial and accept the truth that I identified with you, I became willing to at least consider that I might be one too - Surrender, Acceptance, and Willingness (SAW). At the end of step one, your description of the disease helped me to become Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing (HOW) to admit the truth about myself and consider the solution.

I SAW-HOW from you and with God's grace, I received the key to admittance, humility.

Characteristics Of The Disease

2008-11-15T01:33:00.000-08:00

Symptoms

Physical Allergy- Hypersensitivity to alcohol, phenomenon of craving: Once I start I can’t stop; can’t control predictably. I react differently than normal people. I develop an intense, overpowering craving that normal people don’t get. This is due to a physiological difference in me.“Power of the Effect”, Using/drinking changes how I feel, gives me a sense of ease and comfort, courage, excitement.

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all… Chronic

Mental Obsession- These substances give me a super-natural experience so powerful that I develop a mental obsession.

The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one... Progressive

Mental Blank Spot: My perception of reality is altered before I take the first drink (or hit) so that we can’t see the consequences or can’t bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop from doing what I know will hurt me; loss of power, choice, control.

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us... Fatal

Conditions

Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."

Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

Fatal - bringing death.

"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."

Spectrum of Alcoholics

Stages - Social drinker/Experimenter, Moderate drinker/Partier, Heavy Drinker/Hell Raiser, Alcoholic/Addict

Types - Dysfunctional Alcoholic, Functional Alcoholic, Long Term Alcoholic, Short Term Alcoholic, Acute Alcoholic, Chronic Alcoholic, Potential Alcoholic, Periodic Alcoholic

Physiopathologies - Genetic Alcoholic, Exposure Alcoholic, Straight Acoholic, Dual Addicted.

The Apple

2008-11-14T23:02:00.000-08:00

Today I thought of a conception of the thought life as an apple. The outside skin is just the appearance and doesn't necessarily reflect the inner condition. The flesh is the place where decisions, judgements, and ambitions happen, they are based on the core. The core is the set of values, ideals, and desires. The seeds are the core motives, instincts, and feelings. The stem comes from the source and sustenance of the apple, it has a direct connection to the core.

When the fruit is separated from the tree it retains it's ripeness for a short time but eventually withers and rots.

When I choose to be self reliant I choose to separate the apple from the tree.

Thank God that he allowed me to reconnect it.

Vision of the Being

2008-11-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

Today I tried to visualize a model of the innermost self. I recently realized that I have always had a scope of understanding limited to the intellect and instinct. These parts of a human are the biological and programmatic. In short they are the scope of the human animal.

I had never considered another component that forms the person. I never considered the spiritual being. This is the ontological aspect that puts the "being" into the human being.

The model that came to mind is mind, body, spirit. But in this modality the "body" is not the structure of physical organs that keep the brain alive, but rather this is the physiological aspect of the thought life.

Mind - Intellect, reason, computational thinking.
Body - Instincts, emotions, desires.
Spirit - Consciousness, connection to others, connection to Source.

Selfishness and Self Centeredness

2008-11-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

I came to see selfishness and self-centeredness in a more thorough light. I previously had a cursory conception of these as greed and vanity. But the process helped me broaden my understanding to include conceptions of limiting scope and excessive desire.

Self Centeredness - I am so confident in my abilities that I rely completely or too heavily on my self. The scope of my reasoning is limited to my personal vision which I think is broader and deeper than it is.

Self-ISH-ness - I have come to value my desires and instincts too heavily to the extent that it has affected my decision making and conduct.

Life Principles

2008-10-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

I have been meditating on a few simple principles that I have learned to live by. I trying to discern them simply so that they are always accessible and communicable.

Put First Things First - Prioritize what is truly important. The inner life is always more important than the external. Change the man and the world will follow.

Live and Let Live - Allow people to be imperfect because they will be anyway. Handle expectations loosely, love the sinner hate the sin.

Be Proactive - Develop life skills based on proven principles not by selfish impulses. Develop a principle-based decision making process not a re-active process. Control of the self is the foremost life skill from which all others eminate.

A Twelfth Step Well Done?

2008-10-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I read about a twelfth step well done from the Twelve and Twelve today and I asked myself how I measure whether I have performed the step well.

Did I try? - Did i think to practice the principles in my affairs? Or, do I just act impulsively? Or, do I just talk about practicing principles in meetings and just imagine that I do. Did I try to carry the message? Or, do I just aimlessly share?

Did I execute? - Did I actually apply the principles (inventory, God-reliance, amends) in my affairs? Or, do I just intend to and hope that I did? Did the message I carried focus on the principles? Or, did I share my story, troubles, advice, religion, or opinion?

Did I get results? - Did I stay sober? Or, did I base my success on whether the other guy did or did not get sober? Was I restored to sanity? Or did I put my expectations on a turn of fortune or someone else changing?

Clean Time

2008-09-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

I was a chronic relapser.

When I was coming back I struggled with the shame of losing my time and having to be a newcomer.

I had to re-focus on completely giving myself to the program in the relative time period. I decided to look at how I was working the program not how much time I had.

This is how I made it through and past the first 6 months. At 9 months I still didn't feel like I had any time. At 18 months I still felt like I was a chronic relapser, I still focused on whether I had done steps 10, 11, and 12 in the past 24 hours.

One day sometime later I realized that this feeling of being new and not having some social prestige for a length of clean time was a spiritual gift and was vital to my willingness. I realized that this was part of a vital spiritual experience.

I realized that in the past I measured my sobriety by how much time I had, how I felt, or how much people in the fellowship liked me.

Now I feel that the only measure of my sobriety that is reliable is whether I have worked the program completely in the past 24 hours. Have I taken inventory? Have I prayed and meditated? Have I carried the message? Have I practiced the principles in all my affairs?

I don't ever want to lose this emphasis on the spiritual life over clean time.

Sobriety Birthday 2008

2008-09-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my 5 year sobriety birthday on September 18th.

That morning I woke up from a long drawn out nightmare that my life was a mess. In the nightmare I had just come back from a long relapse, I was apart from my family, I didn't have a job, I was disowned by my parents, I was living in a halfway house and I didn't have money to eat. I remembered walking out of a restaurant where my wife had met me but it felt terrible because we weren't together we were just tending to some business. I felt ashamed, despondent, lonely, and afraid.

I woke up and realized that it had just been a nightmare. I realized I was back to my real life. I was in bed with my wife, I had three more kids, it was time to go to my job, and I am sober. I breathed a big sigh of relief and gratitude.

As I started my prayers I remembered 5 years ago when something similar happened.

That day I woke up and had been dreaming about my life. In the dream I was going through a routine day, I played and cared for my son. I went to my job, I came home to my wife, I went to meeting, and laughed with my friends. Then I woke up to a dreadful reality. I was in a hotel room and I suddenly felt horrible. I was coming off of a binge and I had used all the dope that I was supposed to sell. I was alone, hungry, sick exhausted, and despondent. I had lost my sobriety and everything good in my life. I was baffled and couldn't believe this had happened again. I desparately wanted my wife and my son and my old life back.

That morning, 5 years earlier, I woke up from a dream into a nightmare.
On my birthday I woke up from a nightmare into a dream.

On my birthday I got to go to my job and be productive.
On my birthday I got to go to a meeting and read and shared about step 10.
On my birthday I got to come home to a loving wife and kids who are happy to see me.
On my birthday I got to pitch in my son's baseball game.
On my birthday I got to have dinner with my parents and they said they were proud of me.

Today I got to live a dream.
Thanks be to God for keeping me clean and sober today and for the last 5 years.

Step 8 2008

2008-08-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

This year I have realized 5 aspects of spiritual housecleaning in making amends:

To clean up the messes of an unmangeable life - This is to make material restitution and remove the burdens and obstacles to a manageable life.

To clear up the "karma" - This is to make things right on the spriritual plane.

To connect with people - This is the initial process of rebuilding relationships which is an integral part of leading a contentful life.

To communicate my condition to others - It is important that the people close to me (where prudent) understand my condition and new life.

To cultivate my humility - It is very easy to think my humility but to do the steps is to act it.

Making amends is to build my humility and build my spiritual fitness.
This vitalizes (makes alive) and, is vital to, my spiritual experience.

A Vision Revealed

2008-07-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

I once was in a meeting where the last page of "A Vision for You" was read. I was struggling with unmanageability and my sobriety felt tenuous. I was at the point in my clean time when I would always relapse. I didn't have the desire to drink or use but I knew by this time that my relapses were sudden and without warning. I knew I needed to do something different in my program or relapse was inevitable. I had met with my sponsor and I had sought God's will. My sponsor told me that I needed to do written inventory nightly and that I needed to clean house.

As I sat in the meeting I felt distant and self-absorbed. I sat there completely baffled by what God's will for me was. I resolved to hear what God needed me to hear and to consider the needs of others. Then someone read...

"God will constantly disclose more to you and to us".

I thought that's it! He's about to disclose his will for me...

"Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick".

I thought, yeah I have been praying a little but not meditating at all. I have never prayed for what God wants me to do for the man who is still sick.

The answers will come, if your own house is in order.

Yes I thought, I have not been taking personal inventory effectively, my house is not in order. I have been considering that written inventory every night may be the only way that I can do this.

But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got.

I thought, what is "something" that you haven't got?

See to it that your relationship with Him is right,

I thought, yes that relationship is that "something" I haven't got. That relationship is the power that restores me to sanity. In order to have a relationship you must spend time with someone, so I don't have it. Also, my relationship with him must be "right" and it can't be if I hold on to those defects of charaacter and I can't be rid of them if I don't ask for him to remove them in daily inventory.

..and great events will come to pass for you and countless others.

I thought about the great events that had come to pass for me already. The obsession had been removed, I didn't have to "white knuckle" sobriety, I wasn't constantly dogged by a monkey on my back, this was a GREAT event for me. My life had been made manageable, my family was restored, I had a job, I had a house, but mostly I didn't have the emptiness that I usually had when I had to stay abstinent, I could feel joy again in the day to day normal activities in life, these were GREAT events for me.

This is the Great Fact for us.

This must be the GREAT fact for me. This must be the top priority in my life. I must put First Things First. The spiritual life is not a theory, I must live it.

May God bless you and keep you-until then.

Numbers 6
24 The LORD bless you and keep you!
25 The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!
26 The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Step 6 2008

2008-07-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

This year I have looked at steps 6 and 7 as the the two parts of the process of removing character defects. This is where I "discard" my shortcomings.

Step 6 is the step where I become fully willing do my part.
Step 7 is the step where I fully allow God to do his part.

Neither step alone is sufficient to remove my character defects. I think that my tendency is to lean on one or the other too much but both of them are necessary to fully complete the process.

In step 6 I had to remember the connection between my defects of character and my disease. I had to realize that I must overcome the irritability, restlessness, and discontent, that I experience when separated from my substance of dependency. I must realize that if I am to live sober I must find a manageable life or I will go back to using and drinking.

I had to learn that I could not realize the full extent and signifigance of my defect character defects without first doing the inventory and seeing how my ideas were poorly formed. The inventory guided me to see the full extent of there destructiveness and to find a new and deeper perspective of them. In most cases I had a rearrangement of motives and became entirely willing just through the deconstruction process of the inventory.

In other cases I have a hard time becoming willing to change some of my shortcomings. This is typically because I have liked them and/or lived them for so long. I may come to realize their destructiveness but I can't get motivated to change. I may fully realize that they are selfish but my desire for them is so deep that I have a mental blank spot and can't overcome them. These things are the the habits of a lifetime and are deeply entrenched in my subconscious.

In these cases I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order to overcome their ingrained nature in me. I have had to repeatedly inventory them in order for the realization of their destructiveness to grow to the extent necessary to motivate me. I have had to repeatedly pray for willingness in order to find the necessary perseverance overcome my desire for them. Many times I couldn't remember why I needed to persevere in this step. But i just kept doing it based on my step 3 commitment.

The results of this step were a rearrangement of the driving forces that once ruled me and were the source of my discontent. I couldn't focus on character growth before practicing destruction of self-centeredness. I couldn't focus on living up to virtues like a normal person. I had focus on overcoming my defects of character to allow for virtue to build in their place.

The results have been peace of mind, sobriety, and inspiration.

2008-06-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

Today I was able to live in the moment all day. I didn't realize until just now that I was free from the unmanageability that I was burdened with last night.

I took a customer call today at noon and didn't get to make it to the noon meeting.

I got to talk to a guy today who relapsed recently and get him going on the steps again.

I stopped at the intergroup office for books and got to meet a nice lady workig there and have a good talk with a fellow AA.

I thought a lot again today about practical answers to atheist dogma, particularly to the idea that there is no concrete evidence to prove the existence of God. I thought of how after I made an honest open-minded look at the issue and realized that many of my conceptions were no longer obstacle that it ultimately came down to an intuitive decision.

I felt an innate cetainty that God exists, that I needed God, and that God's power would vitalize me. But I also felt that this was more than an inherent feeling but rather an intuitive conclusion based on experiential evidence. I thought of an analogy of the idea of honesty. If you ask 50 people if they believe that honesty is the right way to live then most of them will answer yes. Then ask them what the evidence for that is.

Step 5 2008

2008-05-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

Step 5 for me is about three things:

Honesty (Rigorous Honesty)
Humility (Ego Deflation)
Freedom (from Shame, Guilt, Remorse)

Honesty - I had begin learning to be honest about my thinking and my conduct. I had to learn a new concept of honesty, of honesty as clarity about reality. I had to learn about "rigorus honesty" about working through the discomfort and admitting the truth. I had to learn that just admitting my faults to God was not enough because of my own rationalization. I had to learn to open up to others. I had open up to another to break my internal dishonesty and break the cycle of rationalization. I had to learn that disclosing myself to another is the only way I can be sure to see the truth about myself.

Humility - Ego Deflation; seeing the truth about myself is a way for me to begin letting God's will be done not mine. I must be able to see the truth that my will is at best limited by the human scope of my perception and at worst, outright mentally defective. I must become able to accept that God's will is greater than mine. I must get my will out of the way to access God's Power.

Freedom - from Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Isolation. Part of doing step 5 is hearing that others have done similar things as me. Hearing that others are defective also helps break my isolation and the burden of my shame, guilt, and remorse. Getting these things out in the open relieves me of the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders. This relief takes away a major trap of my addiction.

'IT'S OKAY TO BE ME'
Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. . . . they have turned to easier methods. . . . But they had not learned enough humility. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 72-73

Insanity

2008-05-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

When I first came to 12 Step recovery I thought that the use of the word insanity was a exaggeration. I certainly didn't believe I was insane. My idea of insanity was hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices, multiple personalities and detachment from reality.

I got here because my circumstances drove me here. I just needed to get out of the trouble I was in at my job and with the law. My life didn't look all that bad on the outside and my using was restricted to binges.

When I started hearing the stories that people told in the rooms of CA, the light of truth began to shine on the reality of my mental state. I began to remember all the things that happened during my blackouts and binges. I began to remember just how bad things were when I was in a "down cycle" of my addiction in the years past. I began to see through the wall of my denial and delusion.

I thought about how I could see the "shadow police" in the black uniforms outside of my windows and I could hear them signalling each other by whistling when I was tweaking. Those were hallucinations.

I began to realize that when I did bad things to the people I loved and did things to risk my life, their life, and our welfare that this was not sane. I saw that my ability to make decisions and choices was controlled by the power of the obsession. I related to the "Dr. Jeckyll and Hyde" story in the Big Book and realized that I was like a person with a split personality or worse a "posessed person".

When I worked the steps I saw the depth of delusion under which I was living. I began to see how much my "world view" was based on my self-centeredness rather than on objective reality. I began to see that the ideas that I lived by were not good for me or for others even though I liked them.

When I attempted to change through prayer and meditation and to take continuous inventory I began to experience "the committee" in my head. This was a lot like "hearing voices".

When I relapsed repeatedly I realized I may be one of those with "grave emotional and mental disorders". But contrary to my previous notion, this did not mean I was different. It just meant that I had the insanity of addiction. It just meant that I had fully realized it.

I grasped the reality of the disease and no longer doubted that the term "insanity" was appropriate.

It was this realization that gave me the needed willingness to "completely give myself" to the program and the spiritual life. I was finally able to surrender the defects of character that blocked me from God's grace. I was able to have the things removed that caused me irritability, restlessness and discontent. I was finally able to stay sober. I was finally able to grow in understanding and effectiveness and inspiration.

Today I treat my sin-nature as a form of insanity and strive to be mindful that it is God that restores me to sanity.

Step 2 2008

2008-03-01T05:05:00.000-08:00

I find myself finishing my yearly step 2 meditation in the midst of the Lenten season. This month I have reflected on giving up my unhealthy dependencies that I may experience a renewed conversion. Last Sunday my spiritual literature was about the concept of God as The Living Water. I need fresh, cleam, pure water for restoration and regeneration. God is the "Living Water" which restores and regenerates my soul. Most of all with the Living Water comes inspiration, hope, love, meaning, and wholeness.

This Lent I gave up flavored drinks except for a glass of morning orange juice. Every time I have desired a flavored drink I have looked at the glass of water and thought of regenerating my dependence upon God. Then I take a refreshing drink of water. By renewing my faith in God I renew my restoration to sanity and increase the opportunity for inspiration.

I have used the image of a bottle of the Living Water as my spiritual focus point in the midst of selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.

I also reflected a lot on the idea that reason is complimentary to faith.

This month I noticed that the "Daily Reflections" text did not delve into step 2 nearly as deeply as I thought or thought possible. I felt like I did not meditate as deeply as I would have liked to from the perspective of 12 step recovery.

The idea came to me to create a list of daily readings that focus specifically on the step. Perhaps I will do this with step 3.

What Happened?

2008-02-25T05:44:00.001-08:00

"What happened to me"? How many times I found myself asking this question. Then I would focus on what happened looking for the key to solve the problem. Bu there was never a solution to be found, only causes for misery.

Later I found the key to solve the problem but I did not like it. This was the idea of a chronic, fatal, progressive disease that meant abstinence would be required.

Later I found that solving the spiritual malady was important but that the trauma of the past was not a requirement to have a spiritual malady. That some people who have childhood trauma and deprivation avoid a lifelong spiritual malady and some who have perfect childhood formation acquire a spiritual malady.

The only common factor is a separation from Source.

The Nature of The Disease

2008-02-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

I just finished my January Step 1 Meditation and I had a renewed experience with the concept of the nature of the disease, that it is Chronic, Progressive, and Fatal.

The deaths of a couple of members of our fellowship confirmed this for me. I dedicate this post to Dave and Jennifer.

"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it"

Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."

Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

Fatal - bringing death.

"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."

"Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking , there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol."

Putting First Things First

2008-01-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

Today we started the story "Gutter Bravado". I noticed that in this story there was no childhood dysfunction. There was no childhood abuse or tragedy. There was no deprivation or poverty. The story teller had a spiritual upbringing. Yet he still became an alcoholic.

I observed in this and other stories that people with both good and the bad backgrounds can develop a spiritual malady or the disease of alcoholism. All that is necessary is the physical factor and human nature. In Gutter Bravado the story teller has a well formed upbringing. There is no abuse, no trauma, no poverty, no disease, no tragedy, nothing except a rebellious nature.

I found that I have to always put powerlessness first. I always have to see the lack of power, choice and control. It doesn't matter how I got that way or what started the ball rolling. I must always address powerlessness first.

It's not that past dysfunction is not important. It is about addressing the present condition first. I might need to find resolution to the past eventually but it's not what is required to get sober. In fact I can't find resolution from the bondage of the past until I find freedom from my present bondage of self.

It's about putting first things first.

Responsibility

2008-01-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

My biggest experience with responsibility in recovery is to take responsibility for my own recovery.

In my first attempts at working the program I took no responsibility for it. I would wait for my sponsor to call me before I would call him. I would get angry that my sponsor was a hypocrite because he didn't call me. I would put other life maintenance ahead of doing my step work, then I would do the work on my sponsor's time. I would wait until somebody called me and showed they "cared" before I would get back to meetings. I would go to meetings and wait for someone to inspire me before I would try to share and I would leave dissatisfied if the meeting was "sick". I would blame my wife for not making sure I had quiet time for prayer and meditation. Worst of all I would wait for someone to ask me if I wanted to go to carry the message at H&I and I rarely got to do this. Then I would complain that no one asked me to sponsor them.

I couldn't stay sober.

When I came back this last time I was so desperate that I was willing to change everything starting with my initiative to work the program.

I didn't wait for the "right" sponsor or the popular sponsor. I grabbed a guy with 30 days who I heard come out of the Big Book and I asked him if he could sponsor me. I prioritized my step work ahead of everything else, my wife and job and my hobbies to make sure I was ready when it was time to meet with my sponsor. I would call him ahead of time and make sure that he could meet and that he remembered.

I had to do this because I was a chronic addict.

Today it is my responsibility to make time for prayer, meditation and evening review. I am responsible to stay accountable to my sponsor. I am responsible for teaching my sponsees to work a program and rely upon their higher power not on me. I am responsible for doing my part in meetings to share from my experience with this program so that there are no bad meetings. I am responsible for seeking out H&I meetings and reaching out to those who are trying to get sober.

My parents taught me responsibility when I was a kid but I lost that character trait in the years of my disease. The program has given this back to me in my life. Today I am presented with a great deal of responsibility in a job that I love. Today I get to be responsible for the care and formation of 4 beautiful little children. Today I get to be responsible for being a good husband to a loving wife. Today I get to be responsible for a home and a few vehicles and some finances.

Most of the time today my motivation to work this program is because it inspires me. Sometimes I have to do it because I am a chronic addict.

The Spiritual Experience

2008-01-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

The Spiritual Experience for me was like having my programming rewritten to become attuned to the directives of the Universe.

Sobriety was the reason I became willing but what I received was the key to the greatest life I could imagine.

The steps were like quantum shifts that combined to form the greater experience. The quanta sometimes came suddenly, the greater experience came over a longer period of time.

In the first step i had an awakening to the truth. I experienced total acceptance of my condition. The walls of denial and delusion were smashed.

In step 2 I experienced a reversal of paradigms in which reason became the construction of faith not the antithesis to it. It suddenly made more sense to believe than not to.

In step 3 I experienced power for the first time, power that removed the obsession to use.

Steps 4 through 9 got me reconnected to the stream of life and power began to flow through me.

Steps 10, 11 and 12 are where i experience growth and regeneration of the experience.

The experience happened in waves but is also something I must to keep active. It is "vital" in both the sense of "critical" and the sense of "alive".

My experience continues to be re-vitalized. Sometimes there's banging and heat and sparks fly, and clouds explode. It doesn't feel good while I'm being re-forged. But when I get through it is something new and entirely more effective.

Today I feel like God has given me everything I need, power, peace of mind and a sense of purpose. With that have come a wife, beautiful kids, great friends, and a good livelihood. The circumstances in my life are often difficult but my relationships and my acceptance are wonderful.

Oh yeah, and I don't have to shoot dope today.

What Caused the Spiritual Malady?

2008-01-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been looking at the degree to which we focus on the early dysfunction of our lives as the events that shaped our disease.

The early parts of our stories often contain of lot of dysfunction that may serve to point out the spiritual malady was there before drinking ever happened. Perhaps this is a good reason to discuss this.

However, just as with reasons to drink, we don't need bad circumstances to have a spiritual malady, just something between us and God. This can be something bad or too much of something good, or just an absence of a spiritual life.

We all want to look at the circumstances and glorify them as the cause. perhaps this is because it is a distraction from looking at the absence of God in our lives. If we look at the absence of God more as the problem then this would make the connection to God More important.

Perhaps I should develop my story around this idea. I should show how there was this time when all was right in the world, all was complete, all was love. Then my faith in the divine changed and my will became more important than God.

When I was a little child I had complete faith in God, my parents and in Love. I didn't have the doubts about the existence or Power of God. I was obedient to my parents and they were the control limits for my will. Love for others was open, easily given and untainted by lust and narcissism.

I always attributed the loss of this to growing out of the naivete of childhood. But naivete of itself was not the reason for this blissful state. The real reason was the loss of faith, control, and connection to others.

The 12 Step process helps me get back to the state of connection to God that I had as a child.

Focusing on the First Cause

2008-01-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been reading the stories in the Big Book and I've pondered the reasons we have a tendency to dwell on the first causes of our disease.

Perhaps we want focus too much on the cause because it is where our minds instinctively want to go as a strategy to solve the problem.

But we can't go back and change the past so we must focus on the solution for the problem as it is today.

Focusing on the beginning is just a distraction from the reality of today. We don't treat our disease by changing the circumstances of the past, we treat the state of our spiritual malady as it is today.

Why so much Drama of The Past?

2008-01-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been reading the stories in the Big Book and I've pondered the reasons we have a tendency to dwell so much on the dysfunction of our lives in the early parts of our story.

Here are some reasons which we may do consciously or unconsciously:

Because we need to prove that we are real alcoholics
Beause we like drunk-a-logues
Because we think we will scare people into not drinking
Because we only have the disease to share not any recovery
To show how deep our denial ran
To show the circumstances that caused our drinking
To show we had a spiritual malady before we drank

I believe the numbers 5 & 7 are good reasons and may provide the guidelines to compose my story.

2008-01-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

Why step 6?
Normies can just start with a list of character defects and strive to do better.
We have an exdcessive problem with perspective unmanageability so we can't see them at first.
We also suffer from powerlessness over them.
We need to get to the core problem.
Then we see them.
But we can't just act better.
We have to focus on access=ing power

The Miracle: "We Admitted"

2008-01-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

I AM A MIRACLE , January 1
The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

This truly is a fact in my life today, and a real miracle. I always believed in God, but could never put that belief meaningfully into my life. Today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I now trust and rely on God, as I understand Him; I am sober today because of that! Learning to trust and rely on God was something I could never have done alone. I now believe in miracles because I am one!

--------------------------------

The Daily Reflections Website listed this reflection related to Step 2. I wondered why this would be in January and not be on Step 1. I thought it must refer to the fact that Step 1 IS "The Miracle". It got me thinking that it must be a transition from Step 12 since the last focus was on "all our affairs". Perhaps this was to bring us back to our Primary Purpose.

Another perspective might be that a 12th Step well performed always reconnects me with Step 1.

Tonight at a meeting I shared about this.

On my way home I thought more about the reflection and about "The Miracle". I remembered an insight a few weeks back that I'm not sure I wrote about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All my life I never witnessed a tangible Miracle. This was one of the reasons that I didn't have real faith. I believed that there was a God. But I thought this was just for the afterlife. I saw some synchronicities and even had some dreams and possible intuitions. But I never saw water turn into wine, until I came to AA.

I heard alcoholics and addicts give a description of their hopeless state of mind and body. They spoke of the nature of the disease, the physical factor and the mental obsession. They spoke of how they drank (or used) different than normal people early on in the progression and then how far gone they were at the end.

When I saw that they had recovered, I thought it truly WAS a Miracle. It was the first "real" miracle I had ever seen.

It was this witness that produced the 1st Step Miracle for me. The light of truth came on in me. I saw that I was medically incurable but the Power of God would restore me to sanity.

The miracle was that I could now see the truth about myself, The walls of denial and delusion were broken. I found willingness to consider that I needed to get this Power in my heart.

The same experience still occurs when I go to meetings and the light stays on.

They admitted, I admitted, "We admitted..."

This miracle is also the cornerstone of my faith.

My faith is the greatest joy in my life today. I am driven with desire to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I spend most of my thought life pondering matters of spirituality, religion, mysticism, philosophy and the nature of things. The architecure of my world view is built on the belief in the True and Living God. My world is secure, meaningful and Purpose driven.

There is a Solution - Come To Believe

2007-12-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self- searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.

When I finally surrendered it wasn't in the midst of a classic bottom. On the outside I was as succesful as I had ever been in my life. I had a wife, my first kid, a house, 2 vehicles, 2 boats, etc... But I experienced a sense of hopelessness and futility. I came to believe that I would never be able to manage my chemical obsession.

I was humbled by the progression of my disease and the insanity.

As I got some clean time under my belt and the insanity stabiliized, the sense of hopelessness and futility that I "experienced" began to get hazy and to fade.

When I entered the fellowship I came to believe in another sense of hopelessness and futility, the description of the real addict/alcoholic. The powerlessness of a mental obsession, the revelation of the real lack of power, choice and control. The understanding that my obsession was my master, that I was not in control of my thinking but that the obsession was.

I found acceptance from the experience of others.

Even so I still needed to find more humility to keep recovery a high enough priority.

I had relapses.

I believe that I could have come to believe many times in the past if could have found the humility to accept the truth. I believe humility is the key to acceptance and acceptance the key to breaking the denial and delusion that is driven by pride and self-reliance.

2007-12-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

This morning was very busy at work, I had to persevere with endurance even thought I was weak.

Today at lunch I had to make the meeting, I had to do it without fear that I would be late.

This afternoon I made a mistake, I had to turn away from regret.

This evening I had to make a difficult decision that did not make me popular, I had to remember that God knows my heart and He is The Only One that matters.

At the meeting today the topic was step 4 from the 12 and 12. The focus was on the the part where we see the "self" the basic instinct that is disordered.

Lately I've been thinking about the 4th step process. I feel that the most important thing that I learned was the process not so much all my wrongs and my parts and mistakes.

Learning the process was like learning to fish, with that I could feed myself the rest of my life.

I've got to find a good way to teach this. There must be a way to form an outline of the process in a few good points.

The inventory is the process by which we deconstruct our erratic emotions.

The first main goal is to root out the parts of self that we are hurt or threatened. Then we learn to rely on God instead of self.

The second process is to see that We were sick and to see that other people are sick too. Then we learn to forgive instead of resent.

The third process is to see that we did some things wrong. Then we learn to do better and amend.

2007-12-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I was too sick to do my review. Yesterday I didn't make it to mass for the 2nd week in a row. But I did watch the mass on TV live and I made a spiritual communion.

Today I looked up and it was 3 o'clock. I thought that I would be going home soon and I thought about the trip home through south austin. I thought about stopping for a drink on the way home. I was surprised by the thought but then I was not. I remembered that I am an alcoholic and I don't have to reason for a thought like that to cross my mind. Fortuneately the thought had no power.

Tonight my wife went to an angel party. I realized that I can't handle the kids by myself, it's dangerous for them. The baby is screaching right now and I have to attend to her. We will have to quit doing things at night and both be home.

Dogmata

2007-12-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Dogma - is the established belief or doctrine held by a religion, ideology or any kind of organization, thought to be authoritative and not to be disputed, doubted or diverged from. It's current usage tends to carry a pejorative connotation — referring to concepts as being "established" only according to a particular point of view, and thus one of doubtful foundation. This pejorative connotation is even stronger with the term dogmatic, used to describe a person of rigid beliefs who is not open to rational argument.

I developed a set beliefs that were the guiding forces in my life. These beliefs were based on a particular set of ideals formed early in my youth.

I developed these beliefs so early in my life that I'm not sure I ever questioned them or I ceased to do so so long ago that I've forgotten. I held these beliefs without question, without even realizing it.

One of the deepest held beliefs I had was that I was an enlightened thinker and open-minded. The truth was that I was neither free nor open.

I thought that my beliefs were special because I was not constrained by old ideas and was able to question everything.

The truth was that I that I only doubted everything but I didn't really consider or investigate all sides openly. My ideas would have been credible if I would have perform a process of development that included investigation of opposing ideas. I Bought into ideas that went along with my desires and based on a shallow emotional response that I thought was substantial because I felt such strong covictions.

I didn't think up ideas and come to my own conclusions. I just heard things that sounded good from people who looked like they were having fun and really free. What I really did was buy a sales pitch.

I was always part of popular subcultures that I believed to be inherently individualistic and free from conformity and organization. I wore "non-conformist" clothes, I spoke "non-conformist" words, I listened to "non-conformist" music. But the truth was that I wore a uniform, spoke the jargon, and followed the crowd. In the seventies I was part of the "Rocker" subculture and followed their dogma, in the 80's I was part of the "New Wave" subculture and followed their dogma, in the 90's I was party of the "Popular" culture and followed their dogma.

I thought these ideas were new and progressive, a result of higher learning from higher science and higher technology. Today the ideas that were non-conformist have become mainstream. In looking at these ideas I don't see them as new any more but as ideas that have jut been cycling around throughout the ages.

It wasn't until my life was so utterly unmanageable and I lost my over-valued sense of self that I became willing to re-think my ideals.

I found that none of what I held before could be trusted. I found that I was so sold on my ideas that they dogged me all the way from being open to anything truly new to me.

I found that my old ideas met all the characteristics of "dogma". They were not to be disputed, doubted or diverged from. My beliefs were so rigid that I was not open to rational argument.

Here are some of my old ideas:
I will be happy if I do what feels good to me
I will be free and whole if I don't restrain myself
I can be a good person without having to be disciplined
If I need discipline, I can achieve it on human power
God is for weak minded people and I am not weak minded
Religion is for mind control and that is bad
Spiritual practices were necessary in the past but not necessary anymore
Spriritual ideas are based on superstition
Science/Reason and Spirituality/Religion are mutually exclusive

It wasn't until I became willing to question myself just as thoroughly as others that I was able to re-think and re-form a truly free set of ideals. These ideals had to be proven which meant they had to pass the test of time, prudence and effectiveness.

This meant that I also had to reconsider each idea that I previously thought to be conventional, established or dogmatic. Even the dogmas of organized religion.

The result was freedom from the bondage of self and a new set of ideals that are more credibly true, reasonable and open-minded.

Is Addiction a Disease

2007-11-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

Alcoholism is a disease because it fits the definition of a disease. The body or mind is in a state of malfunction or disorder due to the introduction of a foreign substance. In my case I am either allergic or hyper-sensitive (it does a lot more for me than normal folks) to that substance or I have been over-exposed (years of excessive drinking) and toxified.

The disease concept really helps me because it explains why I can be so good and disciplined at so many other things but so lousy at stopping drinking.

The concept also helps me in that I am able to fully realize the grave nature of my state which is the motivating factor for me to do what I do not want to do.

Like a person who has cancer, my condition is chronic, progressive and fatal.

The good news is that the treatment is free and effective and I can recover.

Like the cancer patient, I am never cured but I get to go on and live a great life so long as I keep up my relapse prevention program.

My relapse prevention program:
1. Go to 12 Step Meetings
2. Get a Sponsor (or keep one)
3. Read the AA Big Book
4. Work the 12 Steps
5. Do Service Work

Bob S.

If I Only Manage Well

2007-11-24T08:44:00.000-08:00

"Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"

Wrest - (obtain by seizing forcibly or violently, also metaphorically) "wrest the knife from his hands"; "wrest a meaning from the old text"; "wrest power from the old government"

It was easy for me to see where I had been selfish and inconsiderate to others where it came to feeding my addiction. But it was harder to see where my resentments were of my own making when I had them for good reasons.

To "wrest" means to seize forcefully or violently. It's like the word wrestle, it's a fight.

All my life I've been taught to to stand up for myself, fight for my rights, carve out my niche, struggle for my dreams, forge my destiny.

I came to believe that anytime I feel strongly enough about something that I feel is right then I should fight for it.

What I have learned is that I fight with others when I have placed too much value on my desires. I have become selfish and self-centered. Even if these desires are for good.

When I depend on people, plans and circumstances (this world) for my satisfaction and happiness I rarely achieve it for more than a moment. Inevitably and invariably I am disappointed. It's like trying to herd cats, I can never control all of them. I used to dream about the ideal system to run the world if I could achieve political power. Eventually I concluded that the only system that could ever truly work would be to use mind control devices. I'm sure someday someone will try it.

All of my life I have operated by the idea that my satisfaction and happiness depends on "managing well". It defies conventional thinking to place my dependence on a power greater than myself to manage things. It's a radical shift in thinking that doesn't come easily and I have had to learn and re-learn over and over.

But it is precisely that unconventional process that is the key to finding happiness and satisfaction in this life. I must place my dependence upon my relationship with God above all else. I must be willing to leave outcomes in his hands and let go of my plans, desires, needs and motives. Even if they are for a good cause.

This is the source true freedom and power.

Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?

Why God?

2007-09-15T06:48:00.001-07:00

Why do I need God/spirituality/religion?

For pathological reasons, for my Well-ness, for my well-being. For my mental health, for my spiritual health, for my soul.

Like good health care, like good nutrition, like good environment:

Restoration: My mental health gets restored when I am unmanageable; like medical treatment or medicine.
Regeneration: My spirit is fed daily and sustained. I must replenish that which has degenerated, like daily nourishment, like regular meals, like good nutrition.
Inspiration: spirit flowing in and through and out, like breathing good air or drinking plenty of liquids or good exercise and growth. Like the energy that comes from well-ness.

God is spiritual being that created me to be connected in spirit with him and others.
I am a spiritual being that has a mind, soul, and spirit that require sustanence. I survive, grow and reproduce from that sustanence.
There is a great spiritual connection that is the source of that sustenance, it is that connection to God and to others.

The Second Step Proposition

2007-02-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be?

Crushed by a self-imposed crisis
When I hit bottom, ran out of options and admitted I was powerless
When I clung to my character defects and relapsed
When I experience unmanageability in sobriety

God is everything or else He is nothing
I had to find enough trust to place my will in his hands
I had to face the fear of giving up things I didn’t want to let go
I must continue to be willing to let him have ALL of me

God either is or He isn't
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith
I had to set aside my doubts and fears and take a leap of faith

Self Will

2007-02-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Stubbornness: resolute adherence to your own ideas or desires

Self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Self-Will - the willful or obstinate persistence in following one’s own desires and opinions.

Self - self is the ego, often identified with the soul or mind as opposed to the body; innermost self

Will - intent, purpose, volition

Motives (intent) Decisions Conduct (behavior)

We Admitted

2007-02-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

We

Our Type – Only other addicts or alcoholics armed with the facts about themselves and who have found a solution, have found us approachable; “We admitted that WE…” Others have told us the truth about ourselves but we only hear the person with the same experience. Only this person’s message has the depth and weight to break the wall of or denial. It is critical that we have others of our type to work with to stay sober and turn the shame of the past into a purpose that gives our life meaning and value.

But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.

The Fellowship – WE are thousands who have recovered…, we need the fellowship and support of our kind to sustain recovery. Before WE came together, recovery (for our type) was a phenomenon that was rare. The book gives us the experience and precise instructions of the founders. The Message it carries has raised the bottom for us. We can find meetings and support anywhere we go.

We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.
The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action.

Our Personal Relationships – Wives, parents, employers, children, etc. Addiction/Alcoholism is a disease that engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It is important to understand that they too are to some extent ill. Normal persons can have unmanageability also. Chances are that we have contributed to this. When we struggle with them in recovery we need to give them with the same latitude (or more) that we give to ourselves.

An illness of this sort and we have come to believe it an illness involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents anyone can increase the list.

Admitted

Admit; To LET IN – Think of admitting someone in the door. Think of the door as the door to our mind. When we were in denial we were unwilling to let the truth come in.

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.

Denial/Delusion – Our minds have a defense mechanism that shields us from the truth. Our subconscious reacts from a deluge of conflicting truths and simply denies clarity.
Driven by the obsession our minds have subscribed to a world view that supports drinking and using.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.

Self Reliance – Pride, Independent Spirit, Ego; we have always been taught or preferred a view that we are so resourceful and talented that we can and should solve our own problems. We fear that to get help will show weakness. No one likes to ADMIT…

Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum.

Powerlessness

2007-02-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

Physical Allergy: phenomenon of craving; Once I start I can’t stop; can’t control predictably. I react differently than normal people. I develop an intense, overpowering craving that normal people don’t get. This is due to a physiological difference in me.

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all…

Mental Obsession: “Power of the Effect”, Using/drinking changes how I feel, gives me a sense of ease and comfort, courage, excitement. I react different to these substances in the sense that give me a super-natural experience so powerful that it drives me into a mental obsession.

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks…

Mental Blank Spot: Our perception of reality is altered before we take the first drink (or hit) so that we can’t see the consequences or can’t bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop from doing what we know will hurt us; loss of power, choice, control.

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us.

Note:This includes the times when we know what will happen (and that it’s not worth it)but are so obsessed with that hit that we take it anyway.

Umanageability Defined

2007-02-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

Here are some thoughts on the meaning of unmanageability:

External Unmanageability - Problems with circumstances; personal relationships, finances, problems with jobs, problems with the law, problems with livelyhood like cars, home etc.

Internal Unmanageability - Unmanageable feelings, Spiritual Malady, Soul Sickness, missing something, not feeling complete, unable to achieve satisfaction, feeling less than or more than never just ok, A black hole inside, a great void, shame, guilt, blame, depression, etc.

Perspective Unmanageability - Unmanageability of the will, Unmanageability of the truth, Unmanageability of values, denial, delusion, old ideas, old belief systems, old conceptions, old motives; Decisions are made based on core values that are flawed. The way that I see things is erratic and inconsistent and reckless and unmanageable. The way that I make decisions is flawed because I am using old values that are not based on sound or consistent principles and I'm not able to discern the true from the false.

Principles of the 12 Steps

2003-09-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. Honesty
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Hope
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Faith
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Courage
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Integrity
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Willingness
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Humility
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Brotherly Love
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Justice
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Perseverance
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Spiritual Awareness
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Service

Evening (Constructive) Review

2003-09-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

Eleventh Step Prayer
God, I pray to keep my connection with You open and
clear from the confusion of daily life.
Through my prayers and meditation I ask especially for
freedom from self-will, rationalization, and wishful thinking.
I pray for the guidance of correct thought and positive action.
Your will God, not mine, be done.
Amen

Constructive Review Questions
Was I resentful?
Was I afraid?
What could I have done better?
Was I selfish?
Do I owe an apology?
Was I kind and loving toward all?
Was I dishonest?
Was I thinking of myself most of the time?
Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?
Was I thinking of what I could do for others, of what I could pack into the stream of life?

Corrective Measures
Father, I ask your forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
Or…

Evening Review Prayer
God please forgive me for my failings today.
I know that because of my failings I was not able to be as effective as I could have been for you.
Please forgive me and help me live thy will better tomorrow.
Father I ask that you now show me what corrective measures I should take.
Guide me and direct me. Please remove my arrogance and my fear
Show me how to make my relationships right. Grant me humility and strength to do thy will
Amen

Gratefuls
Thank God for the good things in life today.
“Thank you God for giving me willingness and keeping me clean and sober today”.

Prayer List
Pray for people in your life, family members, friends, especially the addict still suffering.

Needs
Pray for the things needed to do God’s will, e.g. for a sponsor or sponsee, service work, etc.
Pray for restful sleep and pleasant dreams.

Morning Prayers 1

2003-09-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

Morning Prayer

2003-01-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you God for this day.

Thank You for a good night sleep, for willingness, for sobriety, and for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Lord, as I begin this day, I offer You my inner most self that You would form me according to Your will. I offer You my intellect, instinct, and intuition, my heart, mind, and soul that I may be freed from the bondage of self.

I ask that You divorce my thinking from skepticism, doubt, confusion, rationalization, and digressive questioning.

God please help me to have good working mental faculties. Help me to think clearly, honestly, and objectively. Help me with clarity of focus, resolute concentration, and effective memorization and recall.

I pray that I would use my mental faculties to grow in belief, trust, reliance, and faith, to grow closer to you not away from you.

God please help me to control my feelings. I ask that You temper my emotions, govern my instincts, and restrain the arousal of my senses to a sane level. I pray especially for help with anger, fear, pride, and lust. Let not my lower self impair my thinking, distort my perception, misguide my values, or drive me blindly.

Lord, please form my passions to find joy in the simple things in life and especially in doing Your will. Show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

God please help me to open my connection with you to illuminate my spirit, to enlighten my judgment, and to fire my imagination. Please guide me with your inspiration and intuitive thoughts and guide me in the decisions that I must make today. Show me Lord what I can do today to be of maximum effectiveness for you and for the people about me and show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.

I pray Lord to keep my house in order today, Amen.

Step 4

2003-01-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

1. Read pages 63 – 71 in the AA Big Book. Highlight the places in the book where you find important concepts:

Resentment - “Resentment is the "number one" offender; resentment is infinitely grave.”
Self – “We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, (including sex) were hurt or threatened.”
Spiritual Sickness – “for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.”
Others – “We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.”
Fear - “We review our fears thoroughly; It was an evil and corroding thread.”
Sex Ideal - “We try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life.”

2. Write a list of persons, institutions or principles with whom you are angry; complete the resentment inventory with sponsor.
3. Write a list of fears; complete the fears inventory with sponsor.
4. Write a list of sex conduct, review it with sponsor.

Fourth Step Prayer

Dear God,
It is I who have made my life a mess.
I have done it, but I cannot undo it.
My mistakes are mine, and I will begin a
searching and fearless moral inventory.
I will write down my wrongs,
but I will also include that which is good.
I pray for the strength to complete the task.

Step 3

2003-01-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

1. Read pages 60 – 64 in the AA Big Book. Highlight the places in the book where you find important concepts:

Self Will - “…any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.”
Selfishness and Self-Centeredeness - “Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.”
God's Will - "Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him.” " When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed."
The Decision - “We think well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we can at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.”

2. Say the Third Step Prayer:

Third Step Prayer
God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of life,
May I do Thy will always! Amen

Step 2

2003-01-01T10:17:00.000-08:00

1. Read pages 44 – 57 in the AA Big Book. Highlight the places in the book where you find important concepts:

A Vital Spiritual Experience - You may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer
God As A Power - Lack of power, that was our dilemma … it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.
A Simple Belief Or Willingness - Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient; we could commence at a simpler level.
A New Attitude - Take a certain attitude toward that Power: sweep away prejudice, think honestly, …search diligently within yourself
The Second Step Proposition - Face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't

2. Write a list of your obstacles to faith (or why your conception was inadequate).
3. Write a list of reasons to believe.
4. Write the following sentences out at the bottom of your page:

• I believe or I am willing to believe that a power greater than myself can relieve me of my addiction and restore me to sanity

• I am convinced of three pertinent ideas:
(a) That I am an addict and can not manage my own life.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved my addiction.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Second Step Prayer
Heavenly Father, I know in my heart that only you can restore me to sanity.
I humbly ask that you remove all twisted thought and
addictive behavior from me this day.
Heal my spirit and restore in me a clear mind.
Amen

Step One

2003-01-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

Instructions
1. Read “The Doctors Opinion” and Chapters 2 – 3 in the AA Big Book. Highlight the places in the book where you find important concepts:

Powerlessness

Physical Allergy – The phenomenon of craving; The drink or drug gives the alcoholic or addict a much more powerful effect than others, so much so that he cannot (predictably) stop or moderate once he starts. The alcoholic or addict has lost the ability to control his drinking or using.
Mental Obsession – The alcoholic or addict has such a deep desire for the effect of alcohol or drugs that he cannot stop thinking about it or resist it. This compulsion drives him so blindly that he will stop at nothing until it is satiated. The alcoholic or addict has lost the power of choice in drink or drug.
Mental Blank Spot – The inability to see the consequences or bring them to mind with sufficient force to stop. The alcoholic or addict does not have the power to stop his drinking or using.

Unmanageability

External Unmanageability – Problems managing circumstances: personal relationships, finances, jobs, law abidance, possessions, health, livelihood, home etc.
Internal Unmanageability – Problems managing feelings: deep desires, obsessions, dependencies, excitability, resentments, spiritual malady, soul sickness, depression, emptiness, lack of joy, shame, guilt, blame, etc.
Perspective Unmanageability – Problems managing the truth due to old ideas, old belief systems, poor conceptions, selfish motives, flawed values, rationalization, self-centeredness, self-deception, denial, delusion, dishonesty.

2. Consider (or write) personal examples of how you are powerless.
3. Consider (or write) personal examples of how your life is unmanageable.
4. Consider (or write) the following admissions:
• I fully concede to my innermost self that I am alcoholic (or addict); that I am powerless over alcohol (or my addiction) as described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
• I fully concede to my innermost self that my life is unmanageable.
• I fully concede to my innermost self that the disease is chronic, progressive, and fatal.
• I have no reservation or lurking notion that I will ever be able to drink (or use) safely again.
• I believe that I must have a psychic change, that I have a disease that only a spiritual experience will conquer.

First Step Prayer
God, I admit that I am powerless over my addiction.
I admit that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness.

Morning Prayers

2003-01-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you God...
For good sleep, renewed life, and for a new experience today.
Thank you for keeping me clean and sober and giving me willingness.

Lord,
as I begin this day I offer you my heart, mind, and soul that you would form my core motives according to your will.
Please direct my thinking that my reason will lead me to grow in belief and trust in you and not in doubt so that I might be a better demonstration of your grace.
Please govern my feelings so that my instincts, emotions, and desires will not separate me from you but would motivate me by your love.
Please guide me with your inspiration and intuitive thoughts that I might grow in understanding and effectiveness and in the decisions that I must make today.

Please show me throughout the day what the next right thought or action is.
Please show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.
Please show me what your will for me today is.

Amen

Thank you God for this day...

Thank You for a good night sleep, for willingness, for sobriety, and for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Lord, as I begin this day I offer You my inner most self that You would form my will to align with Yours. I offer You my intellect, instinct, and intuition, my heart mind and soul that I be free from the bondage of self.

God please help me to think clearly, honestly, and objectively, that I will grow in belief, reliance, and trust. I pray that my thinking will not lead me into doubt, skepticism, or rationalization. Help me Lord to use my powers of reason to grow closer to you not away from you.

God please help me to control my emotions, motives, and values that they would not run riot and drive me blindly. I pray especially to temper my anger, fear, and lust. Help me Lord to use my passions to grow closer to You and to the people about me and not to separate us. Please show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

God please help me to open my connection with you to illuminate my spirit, to enlighten my judgment, and to fire my imagination. Please guide me with your inspiration and intuitive thoughts and guide me in the decisions that I must make today. Show me Lord what I can do today to be of maximum effectiveness for you and for the people about me and show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.

I pray Lord to keep my house in order today, Amen.